May. 25th, 2017

cybermule: (ben)
Today I keep myself safe, still and calm. This morning I quietly count my blessings in the number of heads, the messy beds, the normal grumpy stumble into the day. I am so very aware that there are some today who now don't have this.

And I try to act normal and not to cry.

My child while be 10 years old in just 10 days. A decade of two new people working it out together. This is the most dangerous thing I've ever done, will ever do. This taking my heart out of me and putting it into another to set it flying into my world.

I have never been so vulnerable. And the world has never seemed so unsafe.

When I was a teen, my father didn't let me go to gigs in the neighbouring town in case... I don't know what, actually. Boys, maybe. Almost certainly the same scary unnameable monsters that all parents try to shove down deep in the queasy pits of their stomachs. Now those monsters seem more real - there are kids that won't come home from that gig last night. Kids whose parents gulped down those nameless fears and now cry broken glass tears.

I always swore I'd be braver than my parents and let my kid do those normal teenage things.

Now being a better parent than those before you comes with real terror and risk. And I have seen what losing a child does to you - I saw the light go out in my grandfather's eyes at my father's funeral. All he could do was keep himself still and calm - safety had gone. It put my own grief sharply into place.

A father loses a child. A child loses her father. My child never knows his grandfather. And I remember watching Nick Cave and his wife try to make mystic sense of misty nothings, and swear they will revenge themselves with happiness.

I only pray that we can all be that brave <3

And this prayer I wrote for Ben so that one day when I'm not here, he knows how I thought when I was un-mum. Today, it feels timely in so many ways:

Spurn Point

July 2017

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