cybermule: (Default)
Just gave away several crates of tools that used to belong to my dad. Have been hoarding them for emotional reasons, but felt ok to get rid of them for a while. The initial plan was to sell them and give the money to the offspring, but that fell through. In the end, I gave them to an overalled rollie-smoking hippie, who's going to use them to start a tool co-op in Easton. A mild wrench, but I think my dad would have approved.

I'm kind of in a frame of mind these days where I think all things happen for the best. The tools didn't sell, but I'm actually happier with the solution that I ended up with. I'm not sure how this stands with my generally atheistic outlook. Pre-destination doesn't really work in my head, so I'm kinding of putting it down to just going with the flow.


Mar. 22nd, 2008 07:54 pm
cybermule: (Default)
Well, Vernal Equinox has come and pretty much gone, marked by flurries of snow. Not doing overmuch to celebrate this year. Not feeling too great anyway - bad sleeping. Bad dreams. Woke up the other day to find myself shouting. Woke up this morning after awful dreams about Dad killing himself. Felt shit for a few hours, then remembered that today was his birthday. He would have been 57 this year. Not sure whether that made things better or worse.

0ct0pus and I resolved to get on top of the niggling DIY chores around the place, which has helped my mood.

I also spent a good couple of hours kicking ass around the garden. Slapped my two fruit trees in and found the guts to prune them back heavily and start training them against the fence. Easter present from 0ct0pus was a kickass saw, so lots of general pruning has been going on, and the garden looks good for it. Of course, major pruning leads to shredding, which is good too.

Have also been setting many seeds. Mostly veg, but a few flowers too.
cybermule: (Default)
Friday was my last day at work. It was also the fourth anniversary of my dad's death. This year was a weird one for that, on account of the forthcoming baby, I think. My dad would have loved to be a grandad, but I don't let myself feel guilty over that. Other than that, I just miss him in a kind of low-level ongoing way.

28 Weeks Later was not necessarily the wisest choice for movie viewing that evening, but was nonetheless a very good film.

Saturday morning I went to the Malvern Gardening Show with [personal profile] ninneviane. It was great - we window-shopped, ate donuts and I bought some trinkets for my garden. I was knackered due to keeping half an eye out for zombies all night, so flagged a bit by the time we left. Which was irrelevant, as I then had to head to my granddad's 90th birthday party and talk to all my noisy relatives about baby - when it's due, whether I was OK, what I'm going to call it. About 12 times for each question :) But it was a good event. Except yet more people were looking wonderfully slim and glamorous.


Then my brother and I went to bury the remains of my dad's ashes. Some of them are in a tree pot in my back garden, but the rest are now under a hazel tree overlooking the Nailsworth valley, where we grew up. My dad saved the tree from breaking one year, when it was weighed down by snow, and often talked about it.

Today we went on a tour of the maternity hospital in Stroud. It looks really nice, so I think it's the place I want to be. I'll be away in the Gower for the next few days, adjusting my brain speed to the pace of the next phase of life.
cybermule: (Default)
Actually, I haven't yet. And technically the interviews are yet to be held. But I have a pretty shrewd idea who's been pre-selected to replace me. Makes you sick, really, doesn't it? Especially as this will be a short-cut to a 30+k a year never-actually-advertised job for them.

Pre-destination is a reality, I guess.

Anyhoo. Today I've been feeling a little wobbly. Being pregnant does that to you, I reckon, plus I'm missing [ profile] 0ct0pus which is none of our faults, just a combination of timing, work demands, and house clearance.

Probably most of all, though, is the fact that it would have been my dad's 55th birthday today, and he'd have been looking forward to his first grandchild. He'd have loved that. I try not to feel guilty - I have this feeling that sprog would likely not be here if my Dad hadn't died, and if an alcoholic doesn't dry out for himself or for his kids, why would he really bother for a grandchild?

Truth is, I just miss him. Despite his faults, most of my parental love and reason resided in my dad, so it feels like I have no parents at all. And I just miss him as a person. He was good to talk to.

He had a rough time from my mum, I reckon, on careful retrospective observation. I don't think I could have put up with what he did without killing her. Only you can be responsible for what happens to your life, I think, but it was pretty rough on him at times. My mum thinks he was the worst husband ever. Next time I'll tell her that her life is her own responsibility, I think. How can you blame someone 3 years dead for your own shitty state?

Anyway, that's why I feel sad today.

One thing I like about [ profile] 0ct0pus is that he lets me be sad. Nobody seems to do that these days. My ex told me I should get over losing Dad after about 6 months. My mum and brother said I shouldn't be sad about Kemble dying because she had a great life. My ex's mum said you shouldn't grieve people because it's not "constructive".

And for a long time I gouged my own mental health around trying to do that.

But I actually think they're wrong. A good life is a handy compensation, but what is actually wrong about mourning a loss? I grieve, then left to my own devices, I get over it, remember the good times, move on. Rather than bottling up the tears and leaving them to ferment into bitter anger and depression.

More liberal me thinks that each is entitled to his own way of dealing with things. More cynical me thinks that maybe they're the emotionally imbalanced ones.

Anyway, [ profile] 0ct0pus looks after me, but lets me be sad if that's what I'm feeling. And I've been a fuckload more mentally healthy since I went out with him, so I appreciate that.

Teh busy

Feb. 18th, 2006 01:01 pm
cybermule: (Default)
Well, someone is finally coming round to value, maybe even buy, my dad's stamp collection on Thursday. It's a bit of a mixed blessing to be honest - I know I can't keep the stamps for ever, but selling something so precious to my dad is really hard to do. There might eb a lot of money involved, so I was thinking of treating myself to a holiday with some of it. Somewhere really cool, that my dad would have loved to see, but never got around to.

I don't know, really.

As well as sorting that out, I tied up a few loose email ends. And ordered some potatoes for my allotment. It's a pretty big patch, so I don't think it'll hurt to devote some of it to spuds.

I watched a programme on Thursday night about paying off your mortgage in two years. The level of disruption to my life would be unacceptable - this is why I work part-time, for the government... no hassle - but it made me think. It's not impossible that I could pay it off in the enxt five years, with little stress or compromise. Then I'd own my own house. Once I get my business plans off the starting blocks, I could work anywhere. Renting my house out, living by the seaside 6 months a year. It would all be a possibility if I pulled my finger out and got my finances sorted.

In other news faintly related to business, I'm sick to the back teeth of working with NLP coaches trying to set up websites. They may be hot as shit at coaching other people, but have no sodding idea what they want. Or at least, not until you made a trail page for them. Then they don't want it. I'm going to stop being so fluffy and start charging people for wasting my time. I'll have a think about it, and devise a quote system. Probably a quick home page, to give them idea, and a bill for finishing the rest of it.

Like I said, needs thinking on.

It really is a lovely day. I just cleared a load of waste out my front garden. People keep chucking rubbish into it, though :(

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