so many things going on, it's hard to know what I'm thinking right now, especially factoring in some sleep deprivation.
The sleep deprivation is from two bits of stress. The first is my grandad. He's recovering well from his stroke as far as mobility goes with sensation and movement returning to his leg and particularly to his left hand fingers. This is great. What's not great is that he has a chest infection and is rapidly losing weight due to oral thrush, general anorexia and lack of help. I'm not NHS-bashing - the NHS is great - but with one staff nurse on a ward of about 30 high-need patients, things aren't getting done. Like eating. Or people noticing lack of eating. It sucks. I don't want to see my grandad waste away because nobody considered the fact that it's quite hard to eat a normal meal with only one hand.
And then I think that maybe he just doesn't want to eat. Sure, he seems happy, but he's 92 and his chances of walking or even returning to his own beloved flat any time soon are small. He's lost a son and a wife in the past 7 years, and even though he loves the rest of us, he is pragmatic to the point of gloomy about the point of life. He has a chance of being moved to a smaller cheerier ward back in Stroud, but the catch-22 is that his eating and mobility problems have to have stablised first.
We'll see what happens.
The second low-level stress is my brother deciding that now is a good time to split with his girlfriend. His stated reason is that it's because everyone has told him the relationship is a bad idea. I doubt that, really - extrapolating from my own experiences, he moans a lot about how he doesn't like her, they both argue openly about how bored and incompatible they are, and people generally mildly agree that they don't seem to have a lot in common but each to their own etc. Reading between the lines (and I'm aware I'm giving him no credit at all) he's met someone else and fancies testing the water while GF has been banished for a couple of weeks "thinking time".
Again, we'll see what happens.
Things are moving more positively in my head and in my legs. I've been documenting my reluctance to let go of the idea of a "proper job". I'm now welcoming the gifted opportunity to attempt self-employment, appreciating the fact that it's taking off while simultaneously fitting around my need to provide a good level of mummy-ness for my child. This is actually perfect, and I have to give myself permission to enjoy it. If all else fails, I'll go back to my old job without losing pay and having gained a lovely son :) What's the problem there, except in my head? In a couple of years I can work for the NT or for some private estate, maybe go back to college. Whatever I want, really. I'm also doing an afternoon a week voluntary work - half teaching gardening to inner city kids (whice may eventually become paid work) and half doing horticultural therapy with stroke victims. I enjoy them both and they're moving me out of my comfort zone too.
My own garden is leaping forward.Ｉ have a new lawn, which I'm avidly watering, and 200 freebie plants to fill the gaps left by the old greenhouse. Maybe after the weekend I'll post pics. It's going to be lovely, and I'm super proud of myself.
I'm also pleased with my running. Giving up my increasing number of "occasional" cigarettes has cleared my lungs and I'm rapidly banking the benefits. One of the trainers at the gym has given me a new treadmill program for indoor days which is stretching but achievable, and I'll feel good when I can do it and move it up again.