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Working out what works.
Tuesday I did yoga. I used to be good at yoga, but this session was punishing. So I suspect the mature thing to do would be more yoga. Swimming yesterday was less of a chore, so I think adding that and yoga to my plan for reclaiming my body would both be good. And just those for now. Let's not overdo it.
After swimming yesterday, I did chores in the town where I live. I had a nice chat with a chap on a bench while I was doing Pokemon stuff. I got plant food from the local hardware store and planted out my pansies when I got home. I bought a perfect handbag from a charity shop. I filled my tank and went for a peaceful lunch with a friend in a similar mental health boat. I've found I've had to withdraw from Facebook and drama, which I hate. I want to help everyone, but it's oxygen mask time. I watched the new Bond film with my kid and cried at the majesty of the Matrix trailer on the big screen.
It's the sort of day that looks boring as fuck when you write it down, but is the sort of day I need. It was peaceful. It was also about staying sober.
I've always had a fairly pragmatic attitude to mental health issues, which has caused me flak at times. I know exactly how awful depression and addiction are, but I don't need to express that about my own issues. Which to some people means I don't suffer *properly* the way they do. Which is bollocks, but there you go. I've watched addicts all my life and for them, like myself, it's basically a case of wrestling your inner terrorist toddler. It's as simple as not doing the wrong thing, first and foremost, and trying to do the right things. So where the summer was about not smoking a cigarette, now is about not having a drink.
I say it's simple, but it's simultaneously the most difficult thing ever. You have to do a boring thing that leaves you feeling uncomfortable. And you have to do it over and over. Not smoking a cigarette REPEATEDLY. Not buying booze REPEATEDLY. Exercising REPEATEDLY. The hard bit is finding the piece of you that can keep doing that thing. For some people that's rehab, but that is a privilege really. Shouldn't be, but that's capitalism. For others it's AA. My dad took up carpentry and crosswords. But every day at every opportunity you have to not do the bad thing and suck up the fact that it will make you emotionally uncomfortable in the moment.
I remember talking to a friend about giving up smoking, and deciding that it's a weird one. Smoking doesn't change your behaviour as a person. Not significantly anyway, but in thinking on it I realised that all addictions have one thing in common - they steal bits of your life. And they steal bits of the lives of your loved ones. One of the most important parts of the Twelve Steps (in my opinion) is the cataloguing of your sins and the atonement to those you sinned against. The Twelve Steps can be kind of religious and preachy to be honest - hence the use of "sins" and "atonement" - but they work for people whose minds can engage with that. But if you take away the language of religion, you are left with what I think is the crucial core of recovery:
How did your addiction thieve the lives of you and your loved ones? And how do you make up for that?
With smoking, it's more subtle. The times I was nicotine deprived and irritable. The times I disengaged from my kid to smoke a fag. The worry I caused her as she grew older and realised I was being a knob. With hard drugs it becomes quite obvious quite quickly that you're trashing people as well as yourself. Booze is in the middle, probably because it's ubiquitous. Honestly, running chores yesterday was a constant exercise in avoiding the various booze aisles scattered around our capitalist environment. But whereas I am not an alcoholic in the traditional sense, drinking alcohol has made me reckless, incompetent, argumentative, and most importantly incapable of processing my feelings. Which is why I drank it in the first place - to push things to the edge and keep stumbling forward.
Which isn't the worst reason. It's becoming a reason for a lot of women these days, particularly with kids. Emotional failure isn't an option when you're a mum. But it's stolen the quality from my connections with the ones I love, and for that I am truly sorry.
After swimming yesterday, I did chores in the town where I live. I had a nice chat with a chap on a bench while I was doing Pokemon stuff. I got plant food from the local hardware store and planted out my pansies when I got home. I bought a perfect handbag from a charity shop. I filled my tank and went for a peaceful lunch with a friend in a similar mental health boat. I've found I've had to withdraw from Facebook and drama, which I hate. I want to help everyone, but it's oxygen mask time. I watched the new Bond film with my kid and cried at the majesty of the Matrix trailer on the big screen.
It's the sort of day that looks boring as fuck when you write it down, but is the sort of day I need. It was peaceful. It was also about staying sober.
I've always had a fairly pragmatic attitude to mental health issues, which has caused me flak at times. I know exactly how awful depression and addiction are, but I don't need to express that about my own issues. Which to some people means I don't suffer *properly* the way they do. Which is bollocks, but there you go. I've watched addicts all my life and for them, like myself, it's basically a case of wrestling your inner terrorist toddler. It's as simple as not doing the wrong thing, first and foremost, and trying to do the right things. So where the summer was about not smoking a cigarette, now is about not having a drink.
I say it's simple, but it's simultaneously the most difficult thing ever. You have to do a boring thing that leaves you feeling uncomfortable. And you have to do it over and over. Not smoking a cigarette REPEATEDLY. Not buying booze REPEATEDLY. Exercising REPEATEDLY. The hard bit is finding the piece of you that can keep doing that thing. For some people that's rehab, but that is a privilege really. Shouldn't be, but that's capitalism. For others it's AA. My dad took up carpentry and crosswords. But every day at every opportunity you have to not do the bad thing and suck up the fact that it will make you emotionally uncomfortable in the moment.
I remember talking to a friend about giving up smoking, and deciding that it's a weird one. Smoking doesn't change your behaviour as a person. Not significantly anyway, but in thinking on it I realised that all addictions have one thing in common - they steal bits of your life. And they steal bits of the lives of your loved ones. One of the most important parts of the Twelve Steps (in my opinion) is the cataloguing of your sins and the atonement to those you sinned against. The Twelve Steps can be kind of religious and preachy to be honest - hence the use of "sins" and "atonement" - but they work for people whose minds can engage with that. But if you take away the language of religion, you are left with what I think is the crucial core of recovery:
How did your addiction thieve the lives of you and your loved ones? And how do you make up for that?
With smoking, it's more subtle. The times I was nicotine deprived and irritable. The times I disengaged from my kid to smoke a fag. The worry I caused her as she grew older and realised I was being a knob. With hard drugs it becomes quite obvious quite quickly that you're trashing people as well as yourself. Booze is in the middle, probably because it's ubiquitous. Honestly, running chores yesterday was a constant exercise in avoiding the various booze aisles scattered around our capitalist environment. But whereas I am not an alcoholic in the traditional sense, drinking alcohol has made me reckless, incompetent, argumentative, and most importantly incapable of processing my feelings. Which is why I drank it in the first place - to push things to the edge and keep stumbling forward.
Which isn't the worst reason. It's becoming a reason for a lot of women these days, particularly with kids. Emotional failure isn't an option when you're a mum. But it's stolen the quality from my connections with the ones I love, and for that I am truly sorry.
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I admire your strength on trying to live life without drinking. I did smoke for years and gave it up about 15 years ago. It was a tough change of life. I was never much of a drinker but I enjoyed using weed regularly until I retired from a fulltime career. I still miss it but I believe now I'm enjoying a more clear-minded lifestyle.
Your words: "addictions have one thing in common - they steal bits of your life. And they steal bits of the lives of your loved ones" : are so very spot on and wise. I suppose, in many cases, the addict values the addiction more than the potential for healthy relationships with themselves and others.
So,my best wishes to you on all of your attempts to improve and clarify you life. It isn't easy but so very worthwhile.
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Being sober is going well. I don't even really think about it, and I'm on day 4. Odd flicker of temptation, but I'm enjoying the benefits. I think the addiction almost becomes a separate entity sharing your brain to be honest. Like Venom :) And like a toddler. I'm mainly doing pretty well by avoiding getting into a negotiation or argue with it in the first place. I guess in that way, it's parenting. Don't present it with an option you don't want to debate.