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All the souls
The wheel of the year has clicked round a notch and we are in the new year. This is a liminal space until Yule where we tighten our belts. And the weather is beautiful and the shadows and light have changed. Everything is holding its breath.
I've finished half term and I am back to work after a period of sick leave. I didn't think of my mum this year on the anniversary of her death. I haven't had a nightmare about my ex for a while. These are both good things that may or may not be linked. I spent half term with the people I love, or doing things that I love in places I love. I laughed. I dressed up and was pretty and I danced. And people looked at me and loved me. They gave me compliments, laughed at my jokes. I wasn't tapped for emotional and domestic labour. I wasn't judged. reciprocity flowed freely.
Every time I moved away from these things, I felt a deep sadness. I think this is something I have to lean into so I can heal. I am so disintegrated in myself - well done, that man. I have come to the point where I realise that someone can break your heart and someone can suck and those two things don't have to be related, although often are. Definitely were. And I do not have to be ok with it.
I write here because it works for my brain. Dumping works for my brain. I have to befriend my brain now and get what I can out of it, and it's like learning myself all over again. So I write to do that too.
Getting validation for it is another way to lean into my healing. Also, people owning their shit. I appreciate that. I think now that the best thing to learn about being a human is that we are all fallible. Being alive is to accept that while you think you may be doing a great job, you might actually be really fucking it up. Being alive is immensely subjective, and we should be humble in the face of that.
I've finished half term and I am back to work after a period of sick leave. I didn't think of my mum this year on the anniversary of her death. I haven't had a nightmare about my ex for a while. These are both good things that may or may not be linked. I spent half term with the people I love, or doing things that I love in places I love. I laughed. I dressed up and was pretty and I danced. And people looked at me and loved me. They gave me compliments, laughed at my jokes. I wasn't tapped for emotional and domestic labour. I wasn't judged. reciprocity flowed freely.
Every time I moved away from these things, I felt a deep sadness. I think this is something I have to lean into so I can heal. I am so disintegrated in myself - well done, that man. I have come to the point where I realise that someone can break your heart and someone can suck and those two things don't have to be related, although often are. Definitely were. And I do not have to be ok with it.
I write here because it works for my brain. Dumping works for my brain. I have to befriend my brain now and get what I can out of it, and it's like learning myself all over again. So I write to do that too.
Getting validation for it is another way to lean into my healing. Also, people owning their shit. I appreciate that. I think now that the best thing to learn about being a human is that we are all fallible. Being alive is to accept that while you think you may be doing a great job, you might actually be really fucking it up. Being alive is immensely subjective, and we should be humble in the face of that.
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My best to you.
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I will get better from this. I am realising that I am sad for things I am missing, rather than for things I never actually got.