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Jane Says...
I buried a friend today.
Or a colleague. Or a replacement mum - for obvious reasons, I tend to pick up a lot of them. We've worked together for about a decade as clerk and chair of a particular committee and I enjoyed that. She inspired me as another collegiate woman, she looked after me, and we shared wicked giggles and love and ups and downs. I learned a lot from her, and she made my life better.
Hopefully this is the last of three big losses.
I lost a friend I'd had for twenty years back a month or two ago. She'd had yet another go at me for not dealing with her messages and online requests fast enough. It's a recurring theme in the friendship. Or was. When I said I needed some space after her last outburst she basically threw a bucket of vitriol in my face and told me never to contact her again. Apparently I'm spiteful, and defensive. That was the main gist of a long list of complaints about me.
It is how it is. It's left a hole, but I don't need to cope with the tears and tantrums and just general... emotional bullying? I felt scared of her, of not answering messages enough, spending too much of my free time hanging out with other friends.
And I think in the third and last loss, I often felt that. Treading on eggshells in case there was a drunken meltdown that I had less and less energy to fix. Getting shit off their partner and best friend because of their chronic economy with the truth. Didn't turn up one NYE and didn't answer the phone so I was left scared and worried. Found something easier and shinier and slid out without blinking, leaving me to do the dirty work.
So that's a lot. 40 years of relationship energy going pfft. I was explaining it to the kid - sometimes people just go, and it's not about you it's about them. And that sucks.
Or a colleague. Or a replacement mum - for obvious reasons, I tend to pick up a lot of them. We've worked together for about a decade as clerk and chair of a particular committee and I enjoyed that. She inspired me as another collegiate woman, she looked after me, and we shared wicked giggles and love and ups and downs. I learned a lot from her, and she made my life better.
Hopefully this is the last of three big losses.
I lost a friend I'd had for twenty years back a month or two ago. She'd had yet another go at me for not dealing with her messages and online requests fast enough. It's a recurring theme in the friendship. Or was. When I said I needed some space after her last outburst she basically threw a bucket of vitriol in my face and told me never to contact her again. Apparently I'm spiteful, and defensive. That was the main gist of a long list of complaints about me.
It is how it is. It's left a hole, but I don't need to cope with the tears and tantrums and just general... emotional bullying? I felt scared of her, of not answering messages enough, spending too much of my free time hanging out with other friends.
And I think in the third and last loss, I often felt that. Treading on eggshells in case there was a drunken meltdown that I had less and less energy to fix. Getting shit off their partner and best friend because of their chronic economy with the truth. Didn't turn up one NYE and didn't answer the phone so I was left scared and worried. Found something easier and shinier and slid out without blinking, leaving me to do the dirty work.
So that's a lot. 40 years of relationship energy going pfft. I was explaining it to the kid - sometimes people just go, and it's not about you it's about them. And that sucks.
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It does suck but hopefully there will be new horizons which will expand before you. Take care.
❤️
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