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I hate myself and I want to die----
Oct. 8th, 2023 01:24 am---In a passive way.
FaceBook memories are a double edged sword.
Maybe the day before yesterday? I don't know. There was a memory of Ziggy a year ago raiding her proper food after she had her broken tooth out and was supposed to be eating mush. And with the benefit of hindsight, that was the beginning of the end. I think she had a cranial tumour that fucked up her tooth and metastasised to her lungs. And then to her foot and bum glands. But it didn't seem that way as it played out, except my nagging gut instincyt.t
I just left that. Even after she passed I did not want to know whether it was toxoplasmosis from her bloods. I think it was cancer. And my life has been a tapestry of recrimination and feeling I did not do enough.
And I don't want this to be that.
She had an epic life, with us and before us. The last 3 months I think she felt poorly and had way too many vet trips from her point of view. But it was only the last 10 hours that she really struggled, and she way sedated and analgesiced for mot of those. We think she had stroke in the night, but she was so fucking loved every step of the way.
I don't think knowing she had cancer a year ago would have helped. I think this was ad good as it could ever be. And she was so fucking loved.
FaceBook memories are a double edged sword.
Maybe the day before yesterday? I don't know. There was a memory of Ziggy a year ago raiding her proper food after she had her broken tooth out and was supposed to be eating mush. And with the benefit of hindsight, that was the beginning of the end. I think she had a cranial tumour that fucked up her tooth and metastasised to her lungs. And then to her foot and bum glands. But it didn't seem that way as it played out, except my nagging gut instincyt.t
I just left that. Even after she passed I did not want to know whether it was toxoplasmosis from her bloods. I think it was cancer. And my life has been a tapestry of recrimination and feeling I did not do enough.
And I don't want this to be that.
She had an epic life, with us and before us. The last 3 months I think she felt poorly and had way too many vet trips from her point of view. But it was only the last 10 hours that she really struggled, and she way sedated and analgesiced for mot of those. We think she had stroke in the night, but she was so fucking loved every step of the way.
I don't think knowing she had cancer a year ago would have helped. I think this was ad good as it could ever be. And she was so fucking loved.
