the heretic genetic algorithm

Today I keep myself safe, still and calm. This morning I quietly count my blessings in the number of heads, the messy beds, the normal grumpy stumble into the day. I am so very aware that there are some today who now don't have this.

And I try to act normal and not to cry.

My child while be 10 years old in just 10 days. A decade of two new people working it out together. This is the most dangerous thing I've ever done, will ever do. This taking my heart out of me and putting it into another to set it flying into my world.

I have never been so vulnerable. And the world has never seemed so unsafe.

When I was a teen, my father didn't let me go to gigs in the neighbouring town in case... I don't know what, actually. Boys, maybe. Almost certainly the same scary unnameable monsters that all parents try to shove down deep in the queasy pits of their stomachs. Now those monsters seem more real - there are kids that won't come home from that gig last night. Kids whose parents gulped down those nameless fears and now cry broken glass tears.

I always swore I'd be braver than my parents and let my kid do those normal teenage things.

Now being a better parent than those before you comes with real terror and risk. And I have seen what losing a child does to you - I saw the light go out in my grandfather's eyes at my father's funeral. All he could do was keep himself still and calm - safety had gone. It put my own grief sharply into place.

A father loses a child. A child loses her father. My child never knows his grandfather. And I remember watching Nick Cave and his wife try to make mystic sense of misty nothings, and swear they will revenge themselves with happiness.

I only pray that we can all be that brave <3

And this prayer I wrote for Ben so that one day when I'm not here, he knows how I thought when I was un-mum. Today, it feels timely in so many ways:

Spurn Point

One of those "ow..fuck...ow" moments that seem to come all too often these days.

Defrosting the fridge is a major hassle involving removing bits of the fridge. Not too time-consuming, just lots of work with a screwdriver and hot water. Well, two minutes work with a spray full of boiling salty water, then a panic that I hadn't reconnected the fan once it was all reassembled.

Never mind, thinks the mule. I can just remove a couple of strategic screws and feel around to check.

Probably should have switched it off before that. My first incoherent thought was that a small rodent had taken up living in my fridge, and had bitten me. That was after the sort of uncontrollable moo-ing noise you only produce in childbirth, or when they let the brakes off on Oblivion. Then I realised all the appliances had gone off and my fringe was stuck straight up, ergo I'd probably electrocuted myself. Major doh!

Talking of labour pains, the sproglet is now a 1-year old sproglet. I had crazy dreams about giving birth the night before. I actually have a lot of thoughts on that, but I'll save them for when the fingers on my left hand work again.

Had a wicked weekend with brother-of-mine - watched Southland Tales, which I'll have to redo when I'm less tired, then got off my head and went to see Ministry, which was a kicking gig. Took me right back, I can tell you.

Anyway... ow...

Ben is bombing around the place even faster :)
We had a great week in Wales :)
My mother-in-law emailed me to tell me exactly how rubbish my wedding plans are :(

Next week, I start work. I have mixed feelings about it - the job is perfect, but I'm going to miss Ben. I suppose it's better to go back to something I like than to something I hate.

I need to deal with my seedlings next week, do some yoga, and plant out my snowdrops.

Well, that's Christmas over, and a fine one it was too. Christmas Day was spent burying Ben in toys and wrapping paper, then family visits Boxing Day and the 27th. All good, despite last minute ass-fiddling by my brother about Boxing Day arrangements. That's a post in itself that I'm going to leave for another day.

Today I'm mostly building a raised bed in my garden with the help of my spangly new utility knife. In other tool news (not related to my sibling :P) I got a wicked garden shredder for Christmas. Shred-tastic.

New Year's resolutions:

The super get fit one. I really want to lose some weight and get fitter. Mostly for Ben's sake now - I think he's going to be an energetic child, and I don't want him to be the kid with the fat mom when he gets to go to school. So, now he's less reliant on my body for nourishment, I'm going on a diet. And I'll keep going to yoga at least once a week, and start running again in the spring.

Organise a wedding. Without losing my marbles or killing anyone.

Get a tattoo of the Maes Howe dragon.

Finish my RHS course.

Get a new job. One that I don't hate.

I'll fine them up later - have tea to drink and things to staple. Happy New Year to y'all :)))

Monday - drive to Pembrokeshire via the Welsh Botanical Gardens, which never fail to rock. Dai makes amazing time on the driving, particularly while I'm asleep. Ben is an angel.

Tuesday - walk the coast path to Broad Haven and back with Ben-bo. Tea in the Druidstone bar.

Wednesday - tootle around St Davids and buy a cool plant. Walk the coastpath at St Justinians with Ben-bo. Went to see Stardust in Tenby - Ben is still an angel (everyone was startled when the lights came up and there was a tiny baby perched on my knee. The film was great.

Thursday - weather breaks, so we visit Tenby. Tenby is ace, and we may have to move there when we finally achieve The Big Move (TM). Tea in Druidstone bar (yum. Poundage has probably been added).

Friday - drive up the coast to Bala. Coast is lovely, but feel that stopping at Aberystwyth rather than Cardigan may have been a mistake. Aberystwyth is probably better in the summer, but would still be the ass-end of nowhere, even if it wasn't wave-lashed, wind-ripped and obscured by a large black cloud. The coast was pretty cool, though, and there was some lovely scenery as we headed inland. C and A are brilliant - it's always lovely to see them.

Saturday - walked around near Lake Vernywy a bit, with the luxury of no Ben-bo, who was being capably babysat. Drank tea to get over minor family crisis. Dai achieved l33t mountain road driving skills. All very fun.

Sunday - sadly drove back home via A-roads between Shrewsbury and Worcester, which was very pleasant but still sad to be going home.

I haven't posted for a bit. Lots of ideas for posts, but not enough time I guess.

Trip to Stockton to see the in-laws went fine. Ben is turning into a charming baby - easy-going and with a sense of humour. He has a dirty little chuckle, which became very apparent when we were playing on the swings the other day. The only downside to him is he won't really sleep during the day. But he's enjoying occasionally being babysat by my aunts, and we're enjoying that too, and the whole baby thing is going swimmingly.

My mum left a message on my answerphone. Not really a very compelling one. I need to think what to do with that really, but I'm not backing down and taking Ben to see her without some firm boundaries in place. She's leaning heavily on my brother now, which isn't fair at all. Ho hum.

My brother invited his girlfriend over to mine for Christmas. I would say without asking, but to be fair, he did ask her in front of me. Doesn't really count though, does it?

Garden and allotment are doing fine. I'm keeping the allotment mostly together, and have a lot of winter veg in. Much as I hate to do it, I need to put some slug pellets around my brassica before they disappear completely. Hmph. My brother did some cement work in my front garden which has made it look fantastic. Tomorrow we have new lino in the kitchen, and later in the week the plumber is ocming to fix some small issues. I've learned that doing things comes in waves when you have a small child - a few weeks of chaos, then a fortnight of getting things together.

Not much else to add. Don't watch Tideland, though - it's depressing!

Friday night I went out for a proper grown-up night out with my brother. Despite the lack of Ben, which was hard, the Scratch Perverts were very good, I did lots of dancing, and didn't get in til 4 in the morning. Which I paid for over the next few days but was well worth it.

Went to see ninneviane on Saturday night and had a lovely chilled evening. Had Sunday lunch out and a nice chilled day.

Yesterday I went to do my first volunteer session at Westonbirt, setting up the scuplture exhibition for the Festival of the Tree. Really enjoyed it. Also watched Little Miss Sunshine, which is a great film, and walked miles with Ben in the pram (found a great new park in Yate).

The only clouds on my horizon are parental. I can't cope very well with my mother-in-law, and my mom's care company left me a message that they won't be looking after her any more because her place is too much of a state. Which is a bit of a non sequitur, as we've been paying them to clean for her. I dread dealing with this.

I went to Hestercombe Gardens today, near Taunton. I have some photos to post - it was delightful. I also went to Watchet Harbour, and drove home across the Quantocks. All very lovely.

Ben doesn't like me carrying him in a sling :(

He's starting to grow out of the very little things now, so let me know if you have any deserving friends about to have a baby. Especially if it looks like it's going to be small.

Came to a good agreement with the allotment people - I can have a quarter plot, which gives me room for three decent size beds. This is all I need for bulky vegetables and a wild flower bed, and it frees up space for someone else. Went up to the allotment for an hour and started work.

I love my gardening :)

Also, it's part of the rule to all get out of the house once a day. Yesterday was an ambitious shopping trip and my first public breastfeed. It was 0ctopus' first try at changing on the road, too. Gardening was more chilled, and tomorrow I reckon we should all go for a coffee in the town centre.

When they're fed and changed and clean, they're absolutely gorgeous. The rest of the time is worth it, but I am tired.