mini epiphanies

I'm going to start to chill out a bit from now on. I've been over-scheduling myself through fear of boredom, coping through morbid fear of not coping and bending over backwards to avoid criticism or accusations of neglect from people that I don't really care about. It's OK that I did that - I've had a bad year to get through. Maybe this hasn't been the best way of getting me through it, but I have got through something that I never thought I could handle.

And I should be proud of that, and reward myself with some fun, some freedom to roam, both physically and intellectually. I'm going to become less OCD, and trust myself to cope when I need to and remember what I want to. Besides, two unrelated people have now called me Leonard. As in Memento Leonard. So it's time to spring out and trust myself and make a few mistakes.

I'm also going to be nicer to people. Like, ordinary people, the ones that just piss me off and I rant about it. Some of it is just people being morons, the rest is my displacing anger and frustration onto the people around me. So I definitely need to work on that too - establishing some boundaries so that I no longer instinctly mistrust people.

As usual, after giving myself such a revelation, I feel that it is obvious. By like an inspirational "someone" mentioned recently, when you know and accept yourself, paradoxically you can begin to change ;P And that is far easier said than done, but I'm going to work on it. And I think I'm going to start on getting to know and accept the happier and more relaxed me :) I don't really know her at all.

I'm off for a walk, before some other hyperventilating planning manager phones me up...

pros and cons, swings and roundabouts

The good thing about being grown-up is being able to read while you're eating your dinner.

The bad thing is that it's no longer socially acceptable to read during lessons :( I used to read through 90% of my lessons from the age of about 6 onwards, so 20+ years later, when I can't read through a boring 2-hour seminar, I tend to feel at a loss as to what I AM allowed to do to pass the time :P