*bloink*

I think I ate too many sweets. Or I'm strung out from erratic sleep patterns. Or too much caffeine. Or buying books on Amazon breaks my brain. Or I'm just plain nuts :P

Can somebody help me use up my annual leave entitlement, please?!? I still have two weeks to use up before the end of October, and I don't want to just fritter it away.

So if anyone has a random plan or project that they need an accomplice for, let me know :)

First self-editing post ever...

...I hate making too many posts in one day :)

FWIW, the original post ( was )

Now I'm over the moment of stress, I've had chance to rationalise. And that perfectly exemplifies the problem of bipolar character traits - I'm either emotional or rational. I react with the gut, then I go away and think a bit and react with the head. And until I react with the head, I prefer not to interact. It's the inner introvert in me. In short, comments have been re-allowed ;)

It's the bipolarity in my attitudes to life that's the problem here. To paraphrase someone that I might actually quote and attribute at some point in the future, you can believe in soulmates, then you can believe in making it work with a chosen individual. Then you run out of options.

Only thing is, rather than run out of options, I've always kept my options open, in a quiet, hidden, private way, never quite choosing between one or the other, but sitting and hoping and oscillating. And that split-personality, disjointed between the concept of the ideal partner and the idea of rationally making it work, goes for all my serious relationships, romantic or otherwise.

Except, deep down, and much as I like to hide it, I do secretly yearn for the idealistic approach. I like to resonate with someone, to believe that the friendship really is there for some deeper purpose, that it's meaningful, that we share ideals and attitudes, and that it's in some way a shelter from the harsh "making it work" of life.

My rational part says that this can't always be the case, and that I have to be realistic in my expectations, but to be honest, whenever it becomes obvious that my ideal is not met, it's like a kick in the guts. I feel sick and deeply upset. And this is just me, me being intense, me being thin-skinned. But I can't help it - I just care about this stuff way too much, and I make no apologies for that.

Anyway, after rationalisation, I can generally cope. But then I ask myself if I'm going to be truly happy with just coping? Or is there something better in life that I should strive for? I know I shy away from commitment and stagnation, but what else is there? Don't we ultimately commit to something, some day, or just end up regretting a feckless life?

Heh. And before anyone points it out, I do know that I think too much. And I don't really make any apologies for that, either :P