First self-editing post ever...

[cybermule]

...I hate making too many posts in one day :)

FWIW, the original post

...sorry to blurt (especially with comments disabled) but I am so unspeakably fed up right now. I want to go back through my journal and search/replace all joking references to only going for same-sex relationships from now on with serious references to being a celibate bloody hermit.

I'm OK, I really am. Just need to go and put my head between my knees for a few minutes.


Now I'm over the moment of stress, I've had chance to rationalise. And that perfectly exemplifies the problem of bipolar character traits - I'm either emotional or rational. I react with the gut, then I go away and think a bit and react with the head. And until I react with the head, I prefer not to interact. It's the inner introvert in me. In short, comments have been re-allowed ;)

It's the bipolarity in my attitudes to life that's the problem here. To paraphrase someone that I might actually quote and attribute at some point in the future, you can believe in soulmates, then you can believe in making it work with a chosen individual. Then you run out of options.

Only thing is, rather than run out of options, I've always kept my options open, in a quiet, hidden, private way, never quite choosing between one or the other, but sitting and hoping and oscillating. And that split-personality, disjointed between the concept of the ideal partner and the idea of rationally making it work, goes for all my serious relationships, romantic or otherwise.

Except, deep down, and much as I like to hide it, I do secretly yearn for the idealistic approach. I like to resonate with someone, to believe that the friendship really is there for some deeper purpose, that it's meaningful, that we share ideals and attitudes, and that it's in some way a shelter from the harsh "making it work" of life.

My rational part says that this can't always be the case, and that I have to be realistic in my expectations, but to be honest, whenever it becomes obvious that my ideal is not met, it's like a kick in the guts. I feel sick and deeply upset. And this is just me, me being intense, me being thin-skinned. But I can't help it - I just care about this stuff way too much, and I make no apologies for that.

Anyway, after rationalisation, I can generally cope. But then I ask myself if I'm going to be truly happy with just coping? Or is there something better in life that I should strive for? I know I shy away from commitment and stagnation, but what else is there? Don't we ultimately commit to something, some day, or just end up regretting a feckless life?

Heh. And before anyone points it out, I do know that I think too much. And I don't really make any apologies for that, either :P

Comments

[aras-55555.livejournal.com]

I don't think you think too much :)

And, sure there's some seemingly contradictory stuff there about good approaches to living, but I think there's value in acknowledging those contradictions and holding on to them, and maybe in time they'll develop into your own unique viewpoint. Better than ignoring parts of yourself :)

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the reassurance on the thinking. I'm not having much luck with tucking away contradictory bits of my brain, so I think I'll try your advice. I'm also getting a lot of mileage out of the idea that maybe I just need to take some chill time, and explore my own brain away from the things that are stressing me out. Taking a holiday, in toher words :)

[aras-55555.livejournal.com]

A holiday? Fabulous idea! ;)

[fyatuk.livejournal.com]

Anyway, after rationalisation, I can generally cope. But then I ask myself if I'm going to be truly happy with just coping? Or is there something better in life that I should strive for?

Don't settle for coping. There is always something better, the question is whether its so much better its worth the effort to obtain it.

There I go sounding pseudo-profound again, I should stop that...

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

Heh - that was actually quite deep, wasn't it? :)

Fluidity, balance and all that...

[hydroplanechrst.livejournal.com]

I'm going to have to agree because not to do so is too depressing - don't settle for coping. You know though, part of the 'depressing' is imagining the ideals are not what your reality is. So one would think that to stop having ideals with which to compare one's life to, then one would stop feeling so much misery or dissatisfaction with his or her life. I still maintain that this is impossible - you will dream. So maybe it's best to manage your dreams. Honestly, for me, the greater source of my unhappiness is the comparison of my life, my dreams, what I haven't accomplished, and thinking about all those stories heard in the Media of some person following their dream and it's this wonderful thing - everyone is happy - it's inspirational. I think we can't help but make comparisons because we all know feeling good feels good. What they don't tell you is that Mary Jane, the poor mentally challenged girl from the projects who always dreamed of becoming an athlete, was told she never would be, and despite the naysayers, kept working at her dream until acheiving it and then telling all her tale on Oprah, well, some time later her dog died, or her boyfriend left her, and now she feels like crap just like the rest of us. My point is that, just like the old saying goes about picturing the audience in their underwear to help public speaking jitters, when faced with the upsetting thoughts about how you're not living up to some potential, or that the perfect mate doesn't exist, just imagine that everyone else's life sucks just as much as your own - they only "appear" content and happy. It's almost as if all our happiness, contentment, excitement, what have you, lies in the imagination anyway. So harness those imagining powers of yours - never settle for coping with feeling inferior or lonely and realize it's even lonlier in the company of another who doesn't even want you around. It helps put things in perspective I think. Hope that helps! (I'm thinking it was a good idea I decided against the counseling profession ;)

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

Well, I think you'd have made an excellent counsellor. Heh, but maybe an expensive one, if you charged by the hour. Which isn't a criticism in any way :)

But harnessing the powers of my imagination aounds like a useful tactic. Not sure how to go about doing that, though. Any thoughts? I just always seem to want to make my dreams reality, and it's probably not really workable 100% of the time.

[hydroplanechrst.livejournal.com]

hmm, charging by the hour ...

Alright, about harnessing your mental powers. Good question. I dont know how. seeemed a good answer at the time. I guess I was going on the notion of what the Buddhists do, positive mental imagery and all that. Oh, and about making your dreams reality. Stop doing that. I wanted to say something wise here, but i cant think of anything. All I can think is that all that stuff about following your dreams, be who you can be, the American Dream (and I know ur not American, but indulge me in my American excess) anyway, it's all a crock designed to sell an image - hell, you watched it, you listened to it, didn't you? (well, maybe I did, it's difficult not to) No, hannah, just need to love yourself and that's all. And if you choose not to, that's ok too ... but then you'll just be miserable, so Im not sure why you'd want to do that, but hey, your prerogative. :) Oh, and watch Aqua Teen Hunger Force shows. Oh, I know! Yes, act. Action. Do stuff. Take your mind off your thoughts. Get the little stuff done and out of the way and the rest won't seem so overwhelming. BTW, what are your dreams?

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

*nods* You have to be careful to separate your dreams from some sort of societal norm. And you guys seem to have it hard over there. I know America is the land of the free and all that, but I think it's just easier to be yourself over here. we have a good history of tolerating eccentricity.

I do try to love myself. Talking of Buddhism (vaguely), I went to this meditation course and the guy was talking about how English people find it hard to love themselves. Which rang true. Add a good pinch of lack of slef-esteem, and you get some problems :/ And why do I never type "self" right? Heh - except when I concentrate. Duh!

My dreams? To find a handful of soulmates, a meaningful and fulfilling way to apend my hours, to achieve serenity and balance. And to live by the sea :) Quite simple, really.

[hydroplanechrst.livejournal.com]

You have nice dreams. And you know what else, they seem quite realistic to me. And they more or less mirror my own. The live by the sea one especially. Yes, and I think you read through my volumes of teter-tottering to arrive at the appropriate conclusion that I had wanted to say as succintly as you did with your first sentence.

And about what you said concerning Americans - yes, there does seem to be a strong need to 'fit in' role over here. Eccentricity seems to equal dork, nerd, creep, oddball, loner, and other labels that the majority would rather not associate with.

As for the English, I'm not that worldly to know all that much, but from what I understand of the bit of history classes I remember, well, I'm doing my best to try to understand the dynamics of all that history and how it could influence a general cultural conditioning. Maybe some more ponderance would be helpful. Then again, I'm wondering how many other cultures would have to find the time to learn to love themselves? Heady stuff. Whoa. ;)

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

I think that the English are just quite reserved and unemotional. It really is not very British at all to think too much of yourself. Or even to think enough of yourself. Some sort of weird modesty. On the other hand, that kind of reserve or tolerance does mean that it's very much your own business how you are, especially in private. I'm not sure what the cultural history is behind that attitude either, to be honest :)

[hydroplanechrst.livejournal.com]

maybe it's the weather. :)

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

lol. Yeah - never-ending rain has taught us to be tolerant, to stay indoors and mind our own business.

[hydroplanechrst.livejournal.com]

hehe :)