Aug. 9th, 2021

Recovery #1

Aug. 9th, 2021 07:56 pm
cybermule: (Default)
Now I've got away
I have learned to love myself
Too much to come back.

Random inspiration is in fact deep. Many exes have waved my abandonment issues at me... to lure me in deeper, get the upper hand? I don't know. Like, obvs, two dead alcoholic parents give me abandonment issues. But those manifest as me really not wanting to be apart. If I am apart from the object of my desire and I want to keep running, something is amiss.

I suspect I'm not being listened to, or taken seriously. And the only option there is to quit. Walking away is sometimes the only power you have in a situation.

My mental health has taken another downbounce. Which is probably perfectly reasonable. The recovery from this shitfuckery will take at least as long as I was sat there in the mud. I feel ugly. My self esteem got scraped away. When men tell me that they will abandon me when something better comes their way, I try to be better and better and better.

Actually, I should just leave.

I know looks don't mean anything, but that's a complicated knot to unravel. My kid adores me. My friends treasure me. Lovely people look at me with a twinkle in their eye. Heck, even the odd random comely person twinkles too and at 50 ish, that ain't bad.

First, make a life that seems like you would still enjoy it on your own. Be generally liked, and where you aren't liked be generally respected. Be kind, even when it's not nice.

And most of all, love? You need to learn to be free from dancing for attention. I read recently the testimonies of the loved ones of addicts, and they eternally speak of the need to earn the addict's attention. And that is not how love is meant to be.

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