All the souls

The wheel of the year has clicked round a notch and we are in the new year. This is a liminal space until Yule where we tighten our belts. And the weather is beautiful and the shadows and light have changed. Everything is holding its breath.

I've finished half term and I am back to work after a period of sick leave. I didn't think of my mum this year on the anniversary of her death. I haven't had a nightmare about my ex for a while. These are both good things that may or may not be linked. I spent half term with the people I love, or doing things that I love in places I love. I laughed. I dressed up and was pretty and I danced. And people looked at me and loved me. They gave me compliments, laughed at my jokes. I wasn't tapped for emotional and domestic labour. I wasn't judged. reciprocity flowed freely.

Every time I moved away from these things, I felt a deep sadness. I think this is something I have to lean into so I can heal. I am so disintegrated in myself - well done, that man. I have come to the point where I realise that someone can break your heart and someone can suck and those two things don't have to be related, although often are. Definitely were. And I do not have to be ok with it.

I write here because it works for my brain. Dumping works for my brain. I have to befriend my brain now and get what I can out of it, and it's like learning myself all over again. So I write to do that too.

Getting validation for it is another way to lean into my healing. Also, people owning their shit. I appreciate that. I think now that the best thing to learn about being a human is that we are all fallible. Being alive is to accept that while you think you may be doing a great job, you might actually be really fucking it up. Being alive is immensely subjective, and we should be humble in the face of that.

All that matters is work

I was microwaving a frozen pie just now, so I could cook it in the oven and crisp it up and totally neglect the defrost time on the packet. It reminded me of my job in my late teens working in the chippy in Nailsworth. Even when I was tripping my tits off, I managed to not quite burn the pies.

I have worked since...forever? Not including 9 months maternity leave when I was still employed and about 8 months here and there of in between jobs. Partly as a young adult because I fucking had to. My parents were never going to bail me out, and my partner was low income. And the benefits system was brutal back then. Less so than now. As a teen, it got me out of the fucking house. Legitimately, I could point my parents to the rota and say I was busy, and they had to respect it. Plus I got a lot of cash in hand. And I felt good about myself at times when everything seemed to point towards me being a failure.

But it's not that high a priority in my life. I have to do it because that's what pays my bills and feeds me. And I try to be ethical - first do no harm. But what I want is a job that does both of those things but otherwise keeps out from under my feet. I don't think my ego is particularly tied up in it and I'm not that materialistically needy. People often ask me how I manage on what I get - I just do. And my child thinks we earn below average income but we spend it well and have a good life - that's pretty accurate.

I've just had an unprecedented amount of sick leave due to what is basically a nervous breakdown. I had a week off for my dad dying and 10 days for my mum. And that's not being all tough and die hard about it really. It's not a brag. I could probably have done with longer, but I managed. The time since losing them is hard, but it's been ok. But this time I just noped out. It's taught me a lot about personal responsibility and being more fucking humble. I would always have said that if you let people fuck up your life it was just poor boundaries on your part, but I take that back. Some people just wear you down.

I do need to change something about the way I earn money, but that's a journey. I've got about 5 years to work it out. Two of the most sinister relationships I had were ones where I was encouraged to solve my work issues by giving it up and becoming financially dependent. Could have worked out, might have been mostly well meaning, but my spidey senses tingled in both cases.

And now I'm filling out my back to work wellness plan and I just can't. They keep asking what I need to move forwards and my experience of that is shit. Regular date night? Nope cos previous experience. Watching more films or playing more games? It's good how it is. Every ask was either drowned or grudgingly met and I just gave up.

This is how you give up your you-ness - your asks are met with eye rolls and grudging heeldragging. So you just stop, be polite, be nice. And try not to get too much trauma from being told you don't trust.