American Splendor and other thoughts...

[cybermule]

I went to see American Splendor tonight, and thoroughly enjoyed it. It's the story of a cartoonist, partly drama, partly interviews etc. What I really liked about it was its hopeful realism. Too many times are we told that we have the power to do anything - anyone can become president of the USA - and it's so blatantly untrue. So many people haven't got a hope in hell of doing that - it never fails to shock me just how many hellish lives we can sweep under the carpets in our so-called civilised countries. And how many more lives are just an unhappy grind, working boring jobs to make ends meet, then doing our best to forget that we do that. We all do that. Whether we do it constantly, or just dip our toes in and out of tedium, so many of us are constrained to less than the perfection that is forced down our throats as the norm we can expect if we just put in those extra few hours...

And the thing I liked about that film was that Harvey Pekar achieved what is in my opinion the more realistic and useful dream that we have the luxury of in the Western World - to get a little happiness and make a little bit of difference to others. He didn't commercialise or leave his job as a filing clerk, but he did get to squeeze a little bit of what was in his head out into the world, and to gain some happiness from doing that.

I liked the way he made comics from his wry observations on life. I identify with that. A small frustrationin my life is that I'd love to write a novel, but have nothing to write about. Only my life, and that is not happy reading.

After the age of 10, my life seemed kind of gloomy. Until then, fairly idyllic childhood as the prodigy child of heavily introverted but pleasantly hippy parents. Then they both started to drink heavily, and the 12-hour fights and arguments started with monotonous regularity. I was never hit or abused, but a decade of parents threatening suicide, hitting each other and smashing the house up was nerve-wracking. And confusing - the next day it would always be as if nothing ever happened.

My dad quit drinking when I was about 18. My mom didn't, and it came between them, along with the fact that my brother was having a terrible teenage-hood. They tried to get divorced one year, but couldn't do it, and terrible, terrible things happened that summer. I lost about 40 lbs in about 10 weeks and couldn't remember what most of my friends looked like. But then I went back to uni, and again my parents just pretended none of it had ever happened.

Then my dad's mum died, and he and my brother got into hard drugs and drinking. My dad sold his house and business and threw the entire contents away. To this day, I don't know why. It seemed like a split-second decision. Certainly, in the time it took for me to have a job interview and move to start the job, it had all gone and most of the money had been spent on drugs. When the money ran out, my brother finally moved out from home. There's no nice way to put that - it happened the exact day my dad spent his last money.

My dad carried on drinking until he died in May 2003. My brother and mom don't ever really mention him. Sometimes my mom says that it's all OK because he wanted to die. One day I'll throttle her when she acts like him wanting to die makes it all right that he did. But then she still drinks and her brain has gone. When I challenge her on it, she just says that I don't understand "her generation". Heh. Maybe I don't.

That was a gloomy couple of paragraphs - I apologise. But that was something I always wanted to get down in some sort of print. Although not public print, which was the original point that led to the diversion. Nobody really wants to read any of that, not even me. So the guy in the film that wrote comic books made me think, "hey - that's really neat. Maybe I could do that?". OK, I can't draw, but I can be quite funny. Anyway, I mingled my thoughts on the film with some random stuff that vaguley lurks behind some of my posts and resolutions for the New Year. It got long, I've watched a good film and done a lot of work on my rotten bathroom floor. As I seem to need about 14 hours sleep a night right now, I'm heading to bed.

Comments

[kidkarrot.livejournal.com]

So, will such splendor choose you, or will you choose your own? So far, it seems like you're doing a more than halfway decent job of the latter. :)

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

Heh - thanks. I'll choose my own, I guess - I'm stubborn that way :)

[aras-55555.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I really admire you for getting through all that :)

A small frustrationin my life is that I'd love to write a novel, but have nothing to write about. Only my life, and that is not happy reading.

*tilts head* Even if you don't want to write about your life, I'm sure you can find a lot of other subjects and stories. To me you've always seemed like a person with a great imagination.

I was never hit or abused, but a decade of parents threatening suicide, hitting each other and smashing the house up was nerve-wracking.

*comfort* It never got that bad at my house, but waking up in the morning to the sound of my parents arguing was not a good start to the day :)

One day I'll throttle her when she acts like him wanting to die makes it all right that he did. But then she still drinks and her brain has gone. When I challenge her on it, she just says that I don't understand "her generation".

Bah, people say the craziest, stupidest, most insensitive things. I remember during the funeral of my grandfather on my mom's side, my dad's mom started criticizing the casket in front of everybody, talking about how ugly it looked :D A month or two ago she left a few messages on my answering machine, apparently she gave me a big chunk of money at some point (the fact that I can't remember it means it was probably over 10 years ago), wanting it back :)

Oh, another nice one was when one of my mom's female relatives came to visit us (I think I was still in grade school?). Apparently her and my dad 'got on' a bit too well (I don't know exactly what happened, and I don't want to). Anyway, at that point I'd always side with my mom, so one evening I was just sitting at the kitchen table with my dad, and I asked him, "If you like her more than mom why don't you go and live with her?" I think I was expecting some sort of denial and affirmation of his relationship with my mom, but instead I got, "Of course I like her more than your mom. If she (the other woman) didn't have a husband back home, of course I'd go live with her." Nice :) Well, I guess at least he told the truth ;)

Anyway, I was just kind of reminded of some of those things. The memories don't bother me very much any more.

I haven't seen the film, but I did take a glance at his comic book at the bookstore. I'll keep an eye out for it.

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I really admire you for getting through all that :)

Thank you, Aras. Not a lot of people know about it, but I felt the sudden need to splurge and move on a bit this year. I want to be at the stage you are, where the memories aren't as painful as they are now.

waking up in the morning to the sound of my parents arguing was not a good start to the day

Heh - most definitely. Mine were usually hung-over and quiet in the morning, but I could generally tell by the time I went to bed that about midnight we'd be yanked back up to adjudicate in some way *sighs* And yeah, people get very strange around funerals, particulalry if money is involved.

Anyway - thanks for the encouragement, and *hugs back*

[aras-55555.livejournal.com]

I want to be at the stage you are, where the memories aren't as painful as they are now.

:)

I used to have a really hard-edged, cynical view of a lot of things, and a lot more fear and anger than I do now. And so it's funny now when I'm feeling pretty happy and positive, sometimes I kind of wonder if I've gone insane and I sort of check my beliefs and say to myself 'oh good, I'm still have a bleak and dark view of some stuff - I'm not totally over the edge' :)

Old habits, I guess.

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

I used to have a really hard-edged, cynical view

Yeah - I still do to some extent. It's quite hard to get under that shell and find out that that's just my defence mechanism. And there are people that should probably see my tougher side too :p Your dad was rather honest, wasn't he? I was thinking about that after you mentioned it, and it's kind of the opposite problem to my family - they were always so evasive, even over harmless things. Although my mum was going to run away with someone once *rolls eyes*

a lot more fear and anger

Yeah - I'm not so fearful these days, but I still get the odd "red mist", when people really piss me off. I'm getting there though. I know what you mean about having to do quick "sanity checks" when you're happy :)

I'm more and more sure that it is just about breakign bad emotional habits - at the moment I'm trying to systematically go through bad memories and detach the emotions from the recollections. Maybe making progress ... :/

of a lot of things, and a lot more fear and anger than I do now. And so it's funny now when I'm feeling pretty happy and positive, sometimes I kind of wonder if I've gone insane and I sort of check my beliefs and say to myself 'oh good, I'm still have a bleak and dark view of some stuff - I'm not totally over the edge' :)

Old habits, I guess.

[aras-55555.livejournal.com]

Arg! Laggy LJ ate my response, I think. So here's what I remember I wrote:

Your dad was rather honest, wasn't he? I was thinking about that after you mentioned it, and it's kind of the opposite problem to my family - they were always so evasive, even over harmless things.

Y'know, I was thinking about this, and I do agree that the sort of bull-headed blunt honesty wasn't as bad as a time when he told a really dumb lie.

at the moment I'm trying to systematically go through bad memories and detach the emotions from the recollections. Maybe making progress ... :/

Well, 'maybe' has potential :)

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

Yeah - LJ is a pain at times! And yeah, I always prefer honesty, even if slightly painful, to being fibbed to. My BS detectors click in, and it makes me think even worse things than the truth.

I'm not so sure that "maybe" was valid, or maybe (heh!) you just have to go backwards to go forwards.