Brick by brick
Oct. 16th, 2021 08:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cybermuleYesterday I swam nearly half a mile. I think swimming is going to be my new thing. I want to swim half a mile a couple of times a week. Not hold onto the idea too hard. Avoid the gym like the plague. I need a healthier relationship with my body - for the first time in my life, I hate myself. My self esteem has crashed through the floor. I have no concept of being remotely attractive any more, but I'm slowly working on it.
I've reorganised my wardrobe. Chucked out all the stuff that doesn't fit, and this is roughly how I'd like my wardrobe to look anyway. Less is more. It's also my "fat wardrobe" and I'm owning that. There's a dress with cobwebs on that I don't like but everyone says looks great, so I'm going to figure out how to work that one. And a Hell Bunny dress that I have really mixed feelings about. Firstly, sugar skulls. Eww. Secondly I think I probably bought it to look like the sort of fat girl my ex found attractive. Rockabilly in the streets, lingerie model in the sheets.
So I think some of my crashed body image is that. I was "quite pretty". Other women were beautiful or stylish or amazing. Plus, menopause and poor self care.
There is a type of fat girl that can be considered hot. The rockabilly lingerie model that is always perky, cheeky, up for it. I can't think of any positive role models for sexy heavy cynical women who think too much and don't smile or giggle enough. And that sucks. It never actually mattered to me right up until it very much did.
But anyway, size aside, I don't want to feel old and weak and fragile. I'm always scared of slipping and hurting myself again, so I totter along and that just makes more aches and pains. So that is what I am going to focus on fixing for now.
I've reorganised my wardrobe. Chucked out all the stuff that doesn't fit, and this is roughly how I'd like my wardrobe to look anyway. Less is more. It's also my "fat wardrobe" and I'm owning that. There's a dress with cobwebs on that I don't like but everyone says looks great, so I'm going to figure out how to work that one. And a Hell Bunny dress that I have really mixed feelings about. Firstly, sugar skulls. Eww. Secondly I think I probably bought it to look like the sort of fat girl my ex found attractive. Rockabilly in the streets, lingerie model in the sheets.
So I think some of my crashed body image is that. I was "quite pretty". Other women were beautiful or stylish or amazing. Plus, menopause and poor self care.
There is a type of fat girl that can be considered hot. The rockabilly lingerie model that is always perky, cheeky, up for it. I can't think of any positive role models for sexy heavy cynical women who think too much and don't smile or giggle enough. And that sucks. It never actually mattered to me right up until it very much did.
But anyway, size aside, I don't want to feel old and weak and fragile. I'm always scared of slipping and hurting myself again, so I totter along and that just makes more aches and pains. So that is what I am going to focus on fixing for now.
