How the hell do I answer this...

[cybermule]

Why are you depressed?


Apparently, I should be over my dad dying, I should be grateful that I have a good life, and I'm mistaken in my impression that I didn't get much sleep last night.

I sound angry, but I'm not. I'm just confused because I was under the impression that people suffer from fairly causeless depression sometimes, and even when I do root around for reasons, they're not valid. I do try to work on it, but I also refuse to promise to do any more than try. Because I can't promise to get better, I can only promise to try. Any more is a lie.

I just get so fed up of being accused of not wanting to be happy, and of being flippant and uncaring about people. I'm tired of people psychoanalysing me -
don't think about X, it's making you unhappy...
I'm not thinking about X...
yes you are - I can tell...

Nobody knows what's going on in my head except me. I don't know a lot of the time, but then neither does anyone else :P

I think I hear the gentle crunch of a relationship biting the dust :(

Comments

[apel.livejournal.com]

should be over
There's your red flag, right there. Telling others how they should feel is not OK. It's a major boundary violation. Getting angry is a perfectly normal response to it.

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Apel. A lot of more more emotional posts here are a plea for objectivity, and I always respect your opinions a good deal. I think you're right - it is violating my right to my own emotions, and it has been making me angry. But because it's well-meant then I end up feeling like it's my problem. Story of my life :(

I think it needs sorting out - all the way through my grief, I keep getting told that I shouldn't remain angry/bitter/sad any more, when really I think it's making me worse, because I'm just amazed that I got through this at all! If you'd asked me a few years agao, I would have sworn that I couldn't have survived losing a parent, and here I am, still here and even dealing with the wider issues.

I feel a bit more self-confident now - thanks :)

[cleverkat.livejournal.com]

Here's the thing: many people do not understand the implications of dealing with ongoing bouts of depression. People who are not prone to depression or who do not try to understand what a friend or loved one is going through often believe that it is something you can snap out of and if you are unable to do so, then you are obviously not trying hard enough. Honestly, I myself would love not to be so unhappy. I try not to get so angry and frustrated at the world and its inhabitants. But sometimes, it doesn't work.

Not only that, but thinking that the grief experienced over the death of a parent is something to be "gotten over" is incorrect. Incorrect and insensitive, even callous to boot. The grief lessens slowly over time, but it never goes away completely. Grief isn't something that you experience for a week and then bang! suddenly you feel great and it's all done with. Quite the contrary, actually.

Warning: this is my personal opinion and should not be taken as advice of any sort. Consult a physician before listening to anything Cleverkat tells you. All rights reserved. Anyway, take care of yourself, ok?

[unsane1.livejournal.com]

don't think about X, it's making you unhappy...
I'm not thinking about X...
yes you are - I can tell...


There are precious few things more annoying to me than someone who thinks they know more about something I've experienced/am experiencing, than me.

[aras-55555.livejournal.com]

Meh - I think there's probably some grain of truth in that part of being happy is _choosing_ to be happy, but at the same time _of course_ people who are depressed *want* to be happy...they just haven't yet found a way in their particular circumstance.

And going around pronouncing judgment on how other people are handling their problems...well, that's not cool, to put it lightly.

I think I know what you mean about the 'fairly causeless depression.' I think it trips me up sometimes because I rely a lot on my individual reasoning capabilities to make decisions, but there's times when I'm feeling depressed when I have to sort of step back and say 'hmmm, my head's not quite working properly right now...'

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

I think there's probably some grain of truth in that part of being happy is _choosing_ to be happy

Oh - most definitely! In fact (although it may not seem that way ;)), I'm quite a happy person. And mainly because I've chosen to be so and worked at it. But sometimes there is most definitely something wrong with my brain, because I just *can't* find any blessings to count. I'm so detached and miserable, that it seems that even good things aren't going to be enjoyable, which is almost worse than not having good things at all. Like you said, I think it's just finding my own particular way of dealing with that situation when it comes along, as if there are reasons for being low, then I feel basically OK with it.

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

Exactly - it's the one thing that's guaranteed to yank my rope. I don't take it very well from people that have some grounds for empathy with me, but from entirely logic-driven people, who've never lost a parent or been depressed... bah. I hate to get uptight about it, but I've got a feeling this might be a deal-breaker.

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

Thanks for this comment, CleverKat. It took me a while to get back to it, but I really did appreciate it.

People's attitudes to depression can be really frustrating and counter-productive. You can tell when someone doesn't really understand, and that they therefore find it frustrating. Which I don't blame them for at all, just sometimes I really ache for someone that knows how it feels. And the burden of trying not to let it show is very heavy at times. Same with losing my dad really - sometimes I just sit there looking at the world, wondering what the hell I'm doing pretending to be OK when such a bad thing has happened. I guess it's just about learning to deal with that strange feeling of "otherness" that both those emotions give you.

Have you ever had any luck with anti-depressants of any sort? I take St John's Wort, but I'm loathe to try anything stronger. But then that makes me feel like I'm not trying all the options...

[cleverkat.livejournal.com]

I haven't had the best luck with anti-depressants, but then again, the circumstances under which I was prescribed them weren't ideal.

The first one I was one was Paxil which worked for about six months after which I began to feel tired and out of it. I switched to zoloft which never seemed to help. I went to a psychiatrist who ended up being a pill pusher (I think he got something from the drug companies for pushing their drugs on people) and put me on a higher dose of zoloft coupled with buspar and then tried to add xanax on top of it. Needless to say, I felt horrible.

The meds added about fifteen pounds which took me eight months to get off, made me feel emotionless and uninterested in any of my hobbies or going out and doing anything. There truly seemed no point to me in going out when I enjoyed nothing. Sure, I wasn't sad but I wasn't feeling anything, either. I weened myself off of all my medicines and felt instantly better once they were out of my system.

I wasn't depressed at all for a long time, and then it started coming back. I've been taking 5-HTP, an over the counter herbal supplement that helps a little but not as much as I would like it to. I may have to be put on something mild if I can't get a grip on it but I'd like to avoid it. For good reason, I'm rather leery of going back to prescription anti-depressants.

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

Thank you - that was very helpful, and I'm not surprised you're a bit wary of anti-depressants. Like I said, I've tried a couple of herbal ones with some success. Don't know if that's psychosomatic. I'm mostly put off "proper" ones because they never seemed to help my dad, and indeed, being changed to Seroxat sent him on a spectacular emotional nose dive. But then I don't like being depressed either.

*shrugs*

It's hard to know what to do, and it's like two steps forward, one step back every time my mood changes. Thanks for the advice though.