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May. 12th, 2004 09:20 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cybermuleI just had a thought - if anyone wants any entries locked so that they can comment more freely, then let me know. I've just come to the conclusion that there is nothing about my life that is secret or shameful, but not everyone has the my inclination to splurge :)
I noticed that I care a whole lot more about people when I'm less stressed, and I'm slowly knocking the stress on the head. More sleep helps, along with a general lightening of attitude. Yesterday I was nice to two people. I gave them random and impulsive sweet gifts. I'm not saying that so that you all pat me on the back for being a nice person, but I did want to make a note of the pleasure I get out of doing impulsive nice things for people I like. It's fun. And the fact that I have time to do it means that I must be less stressed.
I did an online enneagram test. I've posted it here because I feel the results actually say something about me that's relevant to this post on my moods and behaviour. Other than that, I probably wouldn't post many more personality tests, as I'm not really sure of their relevance to me any more.
...
Oh OK - screw that. I didn't paste the results anywhere and I refuse to do the test again. The short point was that I seem to have veered away from the 4w5 that I normally score, and got a 9w1. So more calm and peace-loving and serene. Which suits me just fine. The other interesting point was my sub-concious type. Which I can't remember the exact term for, but it was very neutral and implied I was hard to get to know very well at all.
Readers of my blurto-journal are probably sniggering at this point :)
The main message I took home was that this openess and ability to communicate thoughts and feelings online, in text, is something I find hard to carry over to real life. Why? Good question... The main answer is that I never really meet anyone that I can talk to in real-life. Even when I do, I find it hard to open up. I have major trust issues, I'm always convinced that they're secretly laughing at me or will use any information against me.
OK, I know there's a word for that. Paranoid :)
But I really think I should get over it. Not because I feel a sudden urge to share myself, willy-nilly, with those around me. More so that I can build some meaningful relationships with the people I care about. So right back to the Cybermule Manifesto, really.
Any ideas?
I noticed that I care a whole lot more about people when I'm less stressed, and I'm slowly knocking the stress on the head. More sleep helps, along with a general lightening of attitude. Yesterday I was nice to two people. I gave them random and impulsive sweet gifts. I'm not saying that so that you all pat me on the back for being a nice person, but I did want to make a note of the pleasure I get out of doing impulsive nice things for people I like. It's fun. And the fact that I have time to do it means that I must be less stressed.
I did an online enneagram test. I've posted it here because I feel the results actually say something about me that's relevant to this post on my moods and behaviour. Other than that, I probably wouldn't post many more personality tests, as I'm not really sure of their relevance to me any more.
...
Oh OK - screw that. I didn't paste the results anywhere and I refuse to do the test again. The short point was that I seem to have veered away from the 4w5 that I normally score, and got a 9w1. So more calm and peace-loving and serene. Which suits me just fine. The other interesting point was my sub-concious type. Which I can't remember the exact term for, but it was very neutral and implied I was hard to get to know very well at all.
Readers of my blurto-journal are probably sniggering at this point :)
The main message I took home was that this openess and ability to communicate thoughts and feelings online, in text, is something I find hard to carry over to real life. Why? Good question... The main answer is that I never really meet anyone that I can talk to in real-life. Even when I do, I find it hard to open up. I have major trust issues, I'm always convinced that they're secretly laughing at me or will use any information against me.
OK, I know there's a word for that. Paranoid :)
But I really think I should get over it. Not because I feel a sudden urge to share myself, willy-nilly, with those around me. More so that I can build some meaningful relationships with the people I care about. So right back to the Cybermule Manifesto, really.
Any ideas?
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Date: 2004-06-06 12:53 pm (UTC)Yah - that's very good advice. I am working on that, and just trying to be a little less sensitive, a little less worried that I might appear strange. Like you said, if I freak someone out, then they're probably not the right person to be sharing that stuff with. But quite a lot of people bemoan the lack of meaningful, connected interaction in their life, so I should think of it as a mission.
But thinking about it, I think it may be a lot more related to your speech perfectionism as you mentioned.
*nods* I've been thinking about that, and why it might occur. I think part of it is that I love language so much that I want it to be perfect. Just as perfect as it would be if I'd written it. Add that impulse to an over-racing brain, that is bound to get ahead of itself, then rush back to self-edit, improve and rework. I get a similar effect when people are debating - my brain loops back and forth so much that I never quite get around to contributing.
And that brain effect made me wonder whether really the perfectionism is more a kind of internalised stammer than too much love for the perfect phrase. It really is sometimes like I know what I want to say, but just can't get it out physically. And the fear feeds into it a little - other than familiarity, I'm way more outgoing with less intimidating people. Which is obviously one of those "duh" statements, but should maybe make me look at who I hang around with.