Mmph

[cybermule]

Every time I organise a night out with my brother, he swerves at the last minute and it ends up turning into a night out with him and his GF. Which is kind of ok when taken objectively, but what it effectively means is me taking them out for the night. Organising tickets, doing all the driving, staying sober, fitting to their timetable. And leaving my other half out of the loop to stay at home and babysit. Which objectively he doesn't mind, but effectively feels like taking the piss a bit.

I can't think of a polite way to address this. I've tried explaining some of the issues, I've tried excuses based on sold-out tickets, and I've tried explaining to my bro that as well as seeing the both of them, I'd also like some quality sibling time occasionally.

It's a recurring issue that I've posted about before because it flumoxes me, in that the only solution is that I stop even the notion of arranging nights out with my brother.

And now I'm pissed off because I either have to act as chauffeur or miss Pendulum in Cheltenham - teh boo :(

Comments

[ninneviane.livejournal.com]

I might have asked this and you might have answered it before hun, that being the case, sorry for having a head like a shed, but have you just laid it on the line with him and said that you don't mind having some nights out with g/f there, but you really *need* to spend time with just him sometimes? I don't know what to suggest if you have - and I know I wouldn't want to act as chauffer 'yet again', no way. She doesn't look like a Pendulum type tbh ;)

[sixtine.livejournal.com]

There's another possibly unpopular way to look at your brother's desire to always be with his gf. It's his choice. I can completely understand your wish to spend sibling time with him but maybe it isn't as important to him; it's more important to him to be with both of you or, painfully, with her.

I came to this because S's sister rarely rings our landline; she rings his mobile. All other rellies, his and mine, call the landline and natter to either of us to catch up, even EMIL to a large extent. If sis rings the landline ever, she says 'hi' then asks immediately for S. She has no interest in talking to me. She even asks him the simplest things which I could easily have answered for her (like which weekend we're visiting or when we might be free for them to come and see us).

The reason I mention it is that the more she excludes me, the more it needles me. It is clear that exclusive sibling time is much more important to her than it is for S and it is clear that I don't figure highly in the family equation for her. I let it slide; it bothers me a bit but I want her to be happy so I don't whinge about it. What else can I do? I want her to include me wholeheartedly as part of her family but I can't force it so I have to accept it. Perhaps you need to let your brother make the effort but accept that perhaps he never will. Perhaps you need to accept that she'll be coming because she's an integral part of his life. It's hard to understand other people's relationships and you sometimes have to accept that they make their own choices about their rules of engagement, however different from your own they are.

It's not productive, though it's understandable, to fret away your life about something which you don't seem to be able to change. You're trying to engineer something that he's not buying into.

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

Yeah - I explained it to him reasonably tactfully, rather than laid it on the line. I think the bit that annoys me is that he says one thing and does another. His choices ar fine, but the faffing pisses me off.

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

Yeah - i had pretty much come to the conclusion that either he wasn't going anywhere without her, or he wasn't going to tell her he was going anywhere without her. EIther of which are fine, tbh - I'd like to spend some time with him occasionally, especially as he insists I leave my partner behind most of the time. But when it comes to crunchies, I'm too busy, lazy and essentially mildly schizotypal to really bother too much. I do get wound up though that he wastes my time with the whole "sibling time" thing. Easier to just be straightforward about it, so I don't waste my time having to sort it out twice.

[ninneviane.livejournal.com]

Completely understandable **nods** I'd have brained him by now! :)