Characteristics of ACOA - 1
Aug. 16th, 2003 01:48 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cybermuleI finished my book on becoming your own parent, and decided that I'd just work through each listed characteristic of an ACOA and note down what I thought. One a day, hopefully ;) It's not a pity-party, but I do need to take an objective look at how I function within my life.
We become isolated and afraid of people and authority figures
Well, I certainly identify with a feeling of isolation. It's got better the past year (coincidentally *ahem*, since I stopped having contact with my parents), but still I occasionally drown in this incredible feeling of aloneness. Nobody knows me, nobody understands me, nobody would notice if I weren't here. And as this is supposed to be an honest look at my life, I have toyed with the idea of not being here any more. Not seriously, but more as an intellectual compulsion. Maybe that's been my way of keeping sane - reminding myself that I do have the option not to be here. The ultimate control over a life that has been quite insane and out-of-control at times. I think it's more than coincidence that I expressed another fundamental aspect of control - my eating habits - pretty much at the same time as my mother started drinking heavily. And the feeling of isolation would probably stem from having to keep so many secrets all the time I was growing up.
Yes - I'm afraid of people. I have a love/hate relationship with humanity. Am I a shy extravert, or a needy introvert? Who knows? I have started to love and trust people, but it's difficult. Often I don't think it's worth the time, that I'd rather make the decisions about any relationships once and for all, take them into my own hands and go and live as a hermit. This plan has also haunted me all my life - even as a very small child I wanted to disappear. To leave. To vanish. To never be found. And this is still my answer in times of crisis - run away, disappear and don't bother trying to deal with it.
Which leads nicely to the final part of the question - authority figures. Ahhh. Obviously I have no problem with authority figures, as I am a nicely brought up, passive and submissive young lady. Dutiful, good grades, well behaved, no trouble to anyone. My relationship with authority figures was a very recent revelation to me. I've always had the tendency to think of pretty much anyone as an authority figure - after all, if a very drunk parent has authority over you, then surely most people must also be superior? Now I've realised that I've always had problems with my superiors, but I've always dealt with it in a passive way. There's always been some very rational reason for me to dislike them, and an equally rational way for me to neatly wriggle out of dealing with them. Jobs, degrees, friendships. They've all gone down the shute of passive-agression. Not always my fault - the convenient excuse of family problems has always been a reality, but it has also served my need to just "not deal".
We become isolated and afraid of people and authority figures
Well, I certainly identify with a feeling of isolation. It's got better the past year (coincidentally *ahem*, since I stopped having contact with my parents), but still I occasionally drown in this incredible feeling of aloneness. Nobody knows me, nobody understands me, nobody would notice if I weren't here. And as this is supposed to be an honest look at my life, I have toyed with the idea of not being here any more. Not seriously, but more as an intellectual compulsion. Maybe that's been my way of keeping sane - reminding myself that I do have the option not to be here. The ultimate control over a life that has been quite insane and out-of-control at times. I think it's more than coincidence that I expressed another fundamental aspect of control - my eating habits - pretty much at the same time as my mother started drinking heavily. And the feeling of isolation would probably stem from having to keep so many secrets all the time I was growing up.
Yes - I'm afraid of people. I have a love/hate relationship with humanity. Am I a shy extravert, or a needy introvert? Who knows? I have started to love and trust people, but it's difficult. Often I don't think it's worth the time, that I'd rather make the decisions about any relationships once and for all, take them into my own hands and go and live as a hermit. This plan has also haunted me all my life - even as a very small child I wanted to disappear. To leave. To vanish. To never be found. And this is still my answer in times of crisis - run away, disappear and don't bother trying to deal with it.
Which leads nicely to the final part of the question - authority figures. Ahhh. Obviously I have no problem with authority figures, as I am a nicely brought up, passive and submissive young lady. Dutiful, good grades, well behaved, no trouble to anyone. My relationship with authority figures was a very recent revelation to me. I've always had the tendency to think of pretty much anyone as an authority figure - after all, if a very drunk parent has authority over you, then surely most people must also be superior? Now I've realised that I've always had problems with my superiors, but I've always dealt with it in a passive way. There's always been some very rational reason for me to dislike them, and an equally rational way for me to neatly wriggle out of dealing with them. Jobs, degrees, friendships. They've all gone down the shute of passive-agression. Not always my fault - the convenient excuse of family problems has always been a reality, but it has also served my need to just "not deal".
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no subject
Date: 2003-08-28 12:41 pm (UTC)Not true, I would.
Often I don't think it's worth the time
*nod* I very much identify with that. Still struggling with it in fact.
that I'd rather make the decisions about any relationships once and for all, take them into my own hands and go and live as a hermit.
heh I'm a part-time hermit, myself. :) But if I ever move away from my nest city/country, I may attain full-time hermit status.
no subject
Date: 2003-08-30 03:41 pm (UTC)Thank you :)
I very much identify with that. Still struggling with it in fact.
Any breakthroughs? At the moment, I'm thinking along the lines that I'm not ever going to be a big revolutionary, but on the other hand, the thought of disappearing entirely from the wordl with no effect on it is a bit daunting :/ So I guess I should maybe try to make some friends *shrugs* Sounds a bit selfish maybe, but you probably get what I mean...
I may attain full-time hermit status.
LOL - I've made a practical step towards hermitdom by making a list of absolute essentials that I would need: a shack, some books, some vegetables, some chickens and a goat. I'm still struggling with the righteousness of a hermit with cable connection ;)
5 weeks later... :P (whoa my inbox is down to 5 messages after this!!! :)
Date: 2003-10-09 12:04 am (UTC)Nopers.
I just keep contact with those that I have an interest in. I don't go out of my way to call people or whatever, in truth I almost never call anyone hehehe. But whenever someone cool calls I'll go and hangout.
I honestly don't analyze it all much. It's automatic, I work on (or keep up) relationships that I have an interest in. Like every month or so I'll go through my email addybook and if there's someone cool i haven't talked to in a while i'll shoot them a quick note in case they are introverted, so that i don't lose touch with them. but all in all i make just about no effort. if anything is a chore, then i don't bother.
the thought of disappearing entirely from the wordl with no effect on it is a bit daunting
well, disappearing entirely cant happen unless you also disconnect permanently from the net. :) and as long as you are online, everything you say, such as this conversation, has a small (sometimes large) effect on me and others reading, as well as everyone i meet, ad nauseum infinity. so even if you disappeared right now you wouldn't leave the world with no effect. in fact some things will stay indefinitely, depending on how the net evolves... it's the first time future generations will be able to read stuff from many of their little-known ancestors, etc., if one wishes. like let's say in my will i divulge all my usernames on all kinds of sites/lists/etc., so that my kids/family/friends/whatever can read about me. not quite sure where i was going with this. ah yes, affecting the world. even if those things are not divulged, things such as this livejournal will stick around for anonymous people to read, etc. it's currently very easy to affect thousands of people, many of which aren't yet alive!
So I guess I should maybe try to make some friends *shrugs*
go get em tiger! hehe you dont sound so thrilled. :) bah i don't go out of my way trying to make friends and such. if it happens it happens. for me making friends is a very long process, kinda a subconscious process too. not many friendships have stood the test of time. i just don't seem to meet many people that are a good fit. like one of my best/longest time guy friends is a jehovah's witness, if that gives you any hint. :(
towards hermitdom by making a list of absolute essentials
hehe i did something like this back when i was planning on adopting a deserted island in the pacific with a couple friends. :P if u need some company let me know. ;)
a shack, some books, some vegetables, some chickens and a goat
hehe who needs books when u have the net! ;) chickens and a goat, you were way ahead of us. :P i think we were gonna just live off the land somehow. we quickly realized suburbanites such as ourselves would likely not last very long, sadly.
Re: 5 weeks later... :P (whoa my inbox is down to 5 messages after this!!! :)
Date: 2003-10-09 02:16 pm (UTC)But whenever someone cool calls I'll go and hangout.
Yeah - that's pretty much my attitude, except more and more I avoid large groups of people that I don't really want to hang with. It sounds a bit egocentric, but I don't really have a lot of spare time, I guess. Like yourself, I occasionally email or phone someone if I feel impelled. Like you, I just don't find that many people that spark anything in me.
well, disappearing entirely cant happen unless you also disconnect permanently from the net
Yeah - good point. Thanks. That whole paragraph inspired some quite fuzzy thoughts :) I'd be unlikely to disappear entirely - I like it here too much :P Plus, like you said, to some extent you can replace books with the internet. The idea of a will is good - strangely enough, I thought something similar myself.
like one of my best/longest time guy friends is a jehovah's witness, if that gives you any hint. :(
How does that work out? I still have contact with an old ex who's a christian. It's a bit strange sometimes, as there's a whole bunch of stuff we don't have in common :P On the other hand, I still enjoy the correspondence *shrugs* I guess it works.
if u need some company let me know. ;)
*grins/thanks* Do you mind if it's somewhere a bit cooler than the Pacific? I quite fancied a rugged and temperate island, somewhere like W Scotland.
chickens and a goat, you were way ahead of us. :P
lol. I grew up near the country, so I have delusions of self-sufficiency. Quite a lot of the ppl my parents knew were into that sort of thing, so I'm convinced the chicken and goat would satisfy all my protein needs. Plus, as you can probably tell from the last sentence, for an intuitive, I quite like those practical details :P
Re: 5 weeks later... :P (whoa my inbox is down to 5 messages after this!!! :)
Date: 2003-10-10 01:28 am (UTC)mmm yah i definitely avoid large (or small) groups that i don't really want to hang with. i totally agree, time is limited, so why waste it doing something you don't want to? not egocentric at all, imo, or if it is, then there's nothing wrong with being egocentric hehe.
Plus, like you said, to some extent you can replace books with the internet.
i also mean in the sense that you can read the exact book on computer, if wanted. i dream of a device which contains everything i ever need... so far a laptop comes close (books, games, tv/dvds, etc.), altho it doesn't create food yet. :) now where are those matter compilers at?! hehe
> > jehovah's witness
>
> How does that work out?
well, it works so-so. it's aggravating cause there's subjects we don't discuss, most of which are the things that interest me the most. so it became a very superficial friendship from my point of view. altho he does like shrooms occasionally, and matrix-style perceptions of reality-as-we-know-it, so we have the occasional cool conversation.
Do you mind if it's somewhere a bit cooler than the Pacific?
hehe no problem. reason we wanted a pacific isle was that we figured the warmer it is, the less clothes and shelter is needed, making it easier overall. with slighly more effort, cooler temperatures are fine. altho alaska in the winter is probly a no-go. hell what do i know, there's probly eskimos in the northern regions of canada living comfortably in igloos with no heat. :P
W Scotland
if i remember correctly, i'm 1/4 scot. :P that or irish, i can never remember. pretty sure it's scottish tho. u know it never hit me till this moment that irish vs scottish is not 2 different countries, since scotland is part of the uk. whoa! hehe in the words of austin powers, "i'm englishhhh". how do ppl over there see it all, do you call each other UKians? :P
so I'm convinced the chicken and goat would satisfy all my protein needs.
heh when i read the other post of yours, the chickens had reminded me of this mexican dad in a restaurant killing, de-feathering, cleaning up chickens. eggs! ooooooh i get it now. at what rate does a chicken lay edible eggs?
and what came first, chicken or egg? ;P
Re: 5 weeks later... :P (whoa my inbox is down to 5 messages after this!!! :)
Date: 2003-10-10 07:13 am (UTC)Meheheh :D Food production would be handy. If I could have some sort of wireless appliance that could get all the information and media that I needed, that would pretty much be all I needed in my hermitage. Other than the chicken and goat :P Actually - I'm starting to think I may need more than one chicken - they only lay eggs in the spring, at the rate of about 1 every day or so :P
altho alaska in the winter is probly a no-go
*grins* I don't want to freeze - there's just no way I could live in the Pacific without burning to a crisp :P A climate like the west of the British Isles would be handy - plenty of rainfall, and it's warmer than it should be that far north. Except I've no real yen to to hang around the UK, so I guess I should research similar climates :)
it's aggravating cause there's subjects we don't discuss, most of which are the things that interest me the most.
*nods* I get that with the few religious people I know - there's just a missing fundamental level of connection somewhere.
how do ppl over there see it all, do you call each other UKians?
lol - for a poxy little island, we manage to be incredibly complicated. We're not really all that united any more - Scotland has it's own parliament, and Wales has a "decision making" body. N Ireland is the only outpost that is still under central jurisdiction, and ironically it's the one that's had the most troubles. N Ireland is generally more similar to Scotland, whereas S Ireland (totally independent!) has more historical links to Wales and the SW of England.
A lot of ppl like to think of themselves as "English" (and even more so with Scottish, Irish and Welsh). The tendency to think of oneself as English decreases among young people (AFAIC, I'm British - it's all one hunk of land), and as you move further away from London, there's a tendency for regional identity to become more important than national identity. Like I said, ridiculously complicated :P
Re: 5 weeks later... :P (whoa my inbox is down to 5 messages after this!!! :)
Date: 2003-10-10 11:24 pm (UTC)Re: 5 weeks later... :P (whoa my inbox is down to 5 messages after this!!! :)
Date: 2003-10-11 12:32 pm (UTC)lol. Well, I obviously gabbled that - the greater chunk of Ireland is its own country. So it depends what part of Ireland. And I glossed over the rabid nationalism in each country a bit :P
i'm 1/2 french and 1/2 british :P
Hey - where did the other 1/4 Brit come from? I think I'm like 1/8 French, and one tiny fraction Polish and Scandinavian. Pretty much entirely British (English?) though :)
Re: 5 weeks later... :P (whoa my inbox is down to 5 messages after this!!! :)
Date: 2003-10-11 03:56 pm (UTC)well, my mom is half "english"/british, and half scot or irish. c'est si compliquer!
and one tiny fraction Polish
rofl, with these new-fandangled fonts on here i read that as "Folish", and then figured it must be a typo of Foolish... this just after my matth joke... i am definitely feeling kinda foolish this morning. :)
Pretty much entirely British (English?) though :)
how evil, squashing out your 1/8th french like that! ;) it's harder for me to do that, squashing 50% is tough. hehe
Re: 5 weeks later... :P (whoa my inbox is down to 5 messages after this!!! :)
Date: 2003-10-12 11:53 am (UTC)Ah - OK. Makes sense now. I'm not sure what it is with us Brits, but we all seem to want to omve to Canada :P My dad was really into it for a long time, and a couple of people I know want to emigrate. Weird.
rofl, with these new-fandangled fonts on here i read that as "Folish", and then figured it must be a typo of Foolish
*grins* As long as it's not Foppish :P
how evil, squashing out your 1/8th french like that!
Heheh - hey, I don't know that side of my family, and I've only been to France for one day. I'm quite happy to embrace my French-ness - I'm comfortable with that. I just don't really know anything about France! :P
Re: 5 weeks later... :P (whoa my inbox is down to 5 messages after this!!! :)
Date: 2003-10-12 09:45 pm (UTC)heh, for the snow?? :P gotta be cause everyone loves canadians hehe.
I just don't really know anything about France!
Moi non plus!
Re: 5 weeks later... :P (whoa my inbox is down to 5 messages after this!!! :)
Date: 2003-10-14 04:15 am (UTC)Could be :) We don't get snow like we used to in the old days...