Characteristics of ACOA - 1
Aug. 16th, 2003 01:48 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cybermuleI finished my book on becoming your own parent, and decided that I'd just work through each listed characteristic of an ACOA and note down what I thought. One a day, hopefully ;) It's not a pity-party, but I do need to take an objective look at how I function within my life.
We become isolated and afraid of people and authority figures
Well, I certainly identify with a feeling of isolation. It's got better the past year (coincidentally *ahem*, since I stopped having contact with my parents), but still I occasionally drown in this incredible feeling of aloneness. Nobody knows me, nobody understands me, nobody would notice if I weren't here. And as this is supposed to be an honest look at my life, I have toyed with the idea of not being here any more. Not seriously, but more as an intellectual compulsion. Maybe that's been my way of keeping sane - reminding myself that I do have the option not to be here. The ultimate control over a life that has been quite insane and out-of-control at times. I think it's more than coincidence that I expressed another fundamental aspect of control - my eating habits - pretty much at the same time as my mother started drinking heavily. And the feeling of isolation would probably stem from having to keep so many secrets all the time I was growing up.
Yes - I'm afraid of people. I have a love/hate relationship with humanity. Am I a shy extravert, or a needy introvert? Who knows? I have started to love and trust people, but it's difficult. Often I don't think it's worth the time, that I'd rather make the decisions about any relationships once and for all, take them into my own hands and go and live as a hermit. This plan has also haunted me all my life - even as a very small child I wanted to disappear. To leave. To vanish. To never be found. And this is still my answer in times of crisis - run away, disappear and don't bother trying to deal with it.
Which leads nicely to the final part of the question - authority figures. Ahhh. Obviously I have no problem with authority figures, as I am a nicely brought up, passive and submissive young lady. Dutiful, good grades, well behaved, no trouble to anyone. My relationship with authority figures was a very recent revelation to me. I've always had the tendency to think of pretty much anyone as an authority figure - after all, if a very drunk parent has authority over you, then surely most people must also be superior? Now I've realised that I've always had problems with my superiors, but I've always dealt with it in a passive way. There's always been some very rational reason for me to dislike them, and an equally rational way for me to neatly wriggle out of dealing with them. Jobs, degrees, friendships. They've all gone down the shute of passive-agression. Not always my fault - the convenient excuse of family problems has always been a reality, but it has also served my need to just "not deal".
We become isolated and afraid of people and authority figures
Well, I certainly identify with a feeling of isolation. It's got better the past year (coincidentally *ahem*, since I stopped having contact with my parents), but still I occasionally drown in this incredible feeling of aloneness. Nobody knows me, nobody understands me, nobody would notice if I weren't here. And as this is supposed to be an honest look at my life, I have toyed with the idea of not being here any more. Not seriously, but more as an intellectual compulsion. Maybe that's been my way of keeping sane - reminding myself that I do have the option not to be here. The ultimate control over a life that has been quite insane and out-of-control at times. I think it's more than coincidence that I expressed another fundamental aspect of control - my eating habits - pretty much at the same time as my mother started drinking heavily. And the feeling of isolation would probably stem from having to keep so many secrets all the time I was growing up.
Yes - I'm afraid of people. I have a love/hate relationship with humanity. Am I a shy extravert, or a needy introvert? Who knows? I have started to love and trust people, but it's difficult. Often I don't think it's worth the time, that I'd rather make the decisions about any relationships once and for all, take them into my own hands and go and live as a hermit. This plan has also haunted me all my life - even as a very small child I wanted to disappear. To leave. To vanish. To never be found. And this is still my answer in times of crisis - run away, disappear and don't bother trying to deal with it.
Which leads nicely to the final part of the question - authority figures. Ahhh. Obviously I have no problem with authority figures, as I am a nicely brought up, passive and submissive young lady. Dutiful, good grades, well behaved, no trouble to anyone. My relationship with authority figures was a very recent revelation to me. I've always had the tendency to think of pretty much anyone as an authority figure - after all, if a very drunk parent has authority over you, then surely most people must also be superior? Now I've realised that I've always had problems with my superiors, but I've always dealt with it in a passive way. There's always been some very rational reason for me to dislike them, and an equally rational way for me to neatly wriggle out of dealing with them. Jobs, degrees, friendships. They've all gone down the shute of passive-agression. Not always my fault - the convenient excuse of family problems has always been a reality, but it has also served my need to just "not deal".
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Re: 5 weeks later... :P (whoa my inbox is down to 5 messages after this!!! :)
Date: 2003-10-10 11:24 pm (UTC)Re: 5 weeks later... :P (whoa my inbox is down to 5 messages after this!!! :)
Date: 2003-10-11 12:32 pm (UTC)lol. Well, I obviously gabbled that - the greater chunk of Ireland is its own country. So it depends what part of Ireland. And I glossed over the rabid nationalism in each country a bit :P
i'm 1/2 french and 1/2 british :P
Hey - where did the other 1/4 Brit come from? I think I'm like 1/8 French, and one tiny fraction Polish and Scandinavian. Pretty much entirely British (English?) though :)
Re: 5 weeks later... :P (whoa my inbox is down to 5 messages after this!!! :)
Date: 2003-10-11 03:56 pm (UTC)well, my mom is half "english"/british, and half scot or irish. c'est si compliquer!
and one tiny fraction Polish
rofl, with these new-fandangled fonts on here i read that as "Folish", and then figured it must be a typo of Foolish... this just after my matth joke... i am definitely feeling kinda foolish this morning. :)
Pretty much entirely British (English?) though :)
how evil, squashing out your 1/8th french like that! ;) it's harder for me to do that, squashing 50% is tough. hehe
Re: 5 weeks later... :P (whoa my inbox is down to 5 messages after this!!! :)
Date: 2003-10-12 11:53 am (UTC)Ah - OK. Makes sense now. I'm not sure what it is with us Brits, but we all seem to want to omve to Canada :P My dad was really into it for a long time, and a couple of people I know want to emigrate. Weird.
rofl, with these new-fandangled fonts on here i read that as "Folish", and then figured it must be a typo of Foolish
*grins* As long as it's not Foppish :P
how evil, squashing out your 1/8th french like that!
Heheh - hey, I don't know that side of my family, and I've only been to France for one day. I'm quite happy to embrace my French-ness - I'm comfortable with that. I just don't really know anything about France! :P
Re: 5 weeks later... :P (whoa my inbox is down to 5 messages after this!!! :)
Date: 2003-10-12 09:45 pm (UTC)heh, for the snow?? :P gotta be cause everyone loves canadians hehe.
I just don't really know anything about France!
Moi non plus!
Re: 5 weeks later... :P (whoa my inbox is down to 5 messages after this!!! :)
Date: 2003-10-14 04:15 am (UTC)Could be :) We don't get snow like we used to in the old days...