Notes from a recovering addict #1 - the Highland Reel

[cybermule]

I think this will be a continuous thing. I've come out of a hideously toxic relationship, and it has to be my last. Any more shitfuckery like that will kill me sooner rather than later.

I'm giving up smoking - I have been a nicotine addict for 30 years, I reckon. I've drifted in and out of it, giving up and relapsing. It's an erratic waltz. Every addiction seems like an erratic waltz, if you're nearly there. If you're not nearly there, it's some sort of passionate smoochdance of death. When you really are nearly nearly there, you see it's a grim Highland reel. You're there dancing with your loved ones, but always looking for that brief fling with the addiction.

Never actually there where you should be, always peering down the line for what you think you should be getting.

It's not smoking one cigarette at a time, over and over. That simple. That fucking difficult. The difficulty is being happy not smoking that cigarette. Enjoying the dance with the things that matter, and not looking down the line for the things you think you need.

Comments

[ashlyme]

Good luck to you. I've had recent times where I've smoked a lot less, only for some fuck-up to occur then I'm chaining it again. Sigh. Much love <3

[cybermule]

It's a process of getting to know myself, and general healing. And to be honest, it's imperfect. But it's all going somewhere even if it's not always successful :)

[michaelboy]

When I quit smoking about 15 years ago, I tried a healthier substitute of daily bicycling. It became a passion (addiction)for a few years and helped immensely. Best wishes on your venture to quit. It isn't easy but it is so wonderful to ultimately be freed.

[cybermule]

Thank you! I have actually managed to (mostly) shake myself free. I'm glad it worked for you. WE all need to find something, whether it's a new obsession or just the right moment to jump.

Do I know you, by the way? x

[michaelboy]

I don't believe so...I simply tend to stumble upon other journals and scribble a word or two. :)

[cybermule]

Ahh. That's lovely and I'm totally fine with it. I just have poor person recall at times.