Today is the day I shed my tears
Oct. 20th, 2021 01:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cybermuleI have no idea what is so difficult about today. The longer I go on with sobriety, the more it hurts. I see why people keep drinking. I see why accepting what you have done, and what you didn't do, is so hard. I've always said that for my parents to have given up drinking and faced their lives would be more than most humans can bear.
If facing up to my feelings is this grim, when I have done so little wrong? Maybe I can give grace to people who just don't.
A lot of what I'm doing now is accepting the things in me that contributed to the fuck ups in my life. I am a bit of an arsehole. Autism plus abandonment issues make a dirty couple and there are times where I just cant shut up. I see that in my daughter too. But I also suck my teeth a little at the expectation that as women we are supposed to just, do things a certain way? A man's lovable tactlessness is our failure to perform as expected as a woman.
I've just finished a book called "Burnout - solve your stress cycle" by Emily and Amelia Nagoski. In my eternal loop of self reflection, there are a few points that hit home with me.
The first is that they highlighted two types of people - Human Beings and Human Givers, and that is a gender divide for the most part. I think as a woman, and one that has recently discovered her autism, this really validated a feeling that I have always nursed. That as a man you can be a quirky renegade, but that is not a thing you can do as a woman without being entirely ostracised. And that is a price you pay. Over and over the men in my life have been proudly difficult, and quite cross with me being difficult in my turn. My last partner was proud of being an arsehole, and constantly pushed my boundaries. And I see that in A and D, other notable exes. And when I snapped I was difficult, unstable, and possibly abusive.
I don't think I'm an abusive person. I think I'm a twat when pushed into a corner. I have no idea what to do when that happens - you either have to accept the fall of your boundaries or leave.
The other thing that prodded a nerve was one of the case studies in the book. A woman who burned out because she always had to manage her husband's feelings, and again this resonated as a thing I end up doing. The woman ended up ill and her husband finally stepped up, and she said she felt like it was like having a wife.
What a feeling that must be, eh? To have a wife.
The closest I came to trying to articulate that was in couple's therapy when I hesitantly suggested that I'd flipped out because I was literally doing everything for a messy ungrateful shitwizard. And I honestly tried to express that tactfully. And was told that it would not have happened if I had only *asked for help*. That was such a shit session with a man who constantly pleaded maybe autism and a therapist who said autism was her speciality. Here is an article on autistic burnout:
https://autisticscienceperson.com/2021/09/26/autistic-burnout-is-more-than-burnout/
And that's why I felt sold out and fucked over. We all agreed to differ.
I dunno. I may be an arsehole, but at least I am prepared to examine that. Or maybe all this is just me not being prepared to examine it? Or maybe this is just layer upon layer of fucking gaslighting bullshit? I suspect my ex feels equally hard done by. I spoke to their ex and it seemed to just be same shit, different tits. I know that I tried hard in all the right ways, yet still failed. I suspect that I just ceased to be useful.
I'm going to have to find a way to move on from it all, and I think that is just being with loved ones who see me as I am and still want me in their lives. And that is probably just the it of it all.
If facing up to my feelings is this grim, when I have done so little wrong? Maybe I can give grace to people who just don't.
A lot of what I'm doing now is accepting the things in me that contributed to the fuck ups in my life. I am a bit of an arsehole. Autism plus abandonment issues make a dirty couple and there are times where I just cant shut up. I see that in my daughter too. But I also suck my teeth a little at the expectation that as women we are supposed to just, do things a certain way? A man's lovable tactlessness is our failure to perform as expected as a woman.
I've just finished a book called "Burnout - solve your stress cycle" by Emily and Amelia Nagoski. In my eternal loop of self reflection, there are a few points that hit home with me.
The first is that they highlighted two types of people - Human Beings and Human Givers, and that is a gender divide for the most part. I think as a woman, and one that has recently discovered her autism, this really validated a feeling that I have always nursed. That as a man you can be a quirky renegade, but that is not a thing you can do as a woman without being entirely ostracised. And that is a price you pay. Over and over the men in my life have been proudly difficult, and quite cross with me being difficult in my turn. My last partner was proud of being an arsehole, and constantly pushed my boundaries. And I see that in A and D, other notable exes. And when I snapped I was difficult, unstable, and possibly abusive.
I don't think I'm an abusive person. I think I'm a twat when pushed into a corner. I have no idea what to do when that happens - you either have to accept the fall of your boundaries or leave.
The other thing that prodded a nerve was one of the case studies in the book. A woman who burned out because she always had to manage her husband's feelings, and again this resonated as a thing I end up doing. The woman ended up ill and her husband finally stepped up, and she said she felt like it was like having a wife.
What a feeling that must be, eh? To have a wife.
The closest I came to trying to articulate that was in couple's therapy when I hesitantly suggested that I'd flipped out because I was literally doing everything for a messy ungrateful shitwizard. And I honestly tried to express that tactfully. And was told that it would not have happened if I had only *asked for help*. That was such a shit session with a man who constantly pleaded maybe autism and a therapist who said autism was her speciality. Here is an article on autistic burnout:
https://autisticscienceperson.com/2021/09/26/autistic-burnout-is-more-than-burnout/
And that's why I felt sold out and fucked over. We all agreed to differ.
I dunno. I may be an arsehole, but at least I am prepared to examine that. Or maybe all this is just me not being prepared to examine it? Or maybe this is just layer upon layer of fucking gaslighting bullshit? I suspect my ex feels equally hard done by. I spoke to their ex and it seemed to just be same shit, different tits. I know that I tried hard in all the right ways, yet still failed. I suspect that I just ceased to be useful.
I'm going to have to find a way to move on from it all, and I think that is just being with loved ones who see me as I am and still want me in their lives. And that is probably just the it of it all.
no subject
Date: 2021-10-22 11:32 am (UTC)It takes a measure of uncommon courage to do so and in my mind will go a long way in bolstering what you seek for and from youself.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-02 02:04 pm (UTC)