Imbolc turns to Terminalia
Feb. 28th, 2023 11:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cybermuleI meant to write a cheery Imbolc post right at the beginning of the month, and now the month has ended and still no words. I've actually forgotten what I was going to say. I noted Terminalia, the festival of boundaries and that seemed more wryly apt to celebrate. I want to write more. This has been here for very very nearly 20 years and those two decades have been BIG. And I'm 50 this year, so it seems a good time to start putting things in words again.
February has been rough. I have new jobs now and they're amazing, but I bit off more than I could chew, overestimated my emotional capacity, and anyway it's all been on fire out there. The last week has been frantically catching up on work shit, and that's boring. I hope that's done and I've learned my lesson. I want to be in my garden more, and I have pressing domestic stuff to get through.
I do just want to fold myself in a little this year. I've a few bruising relationship crashes under my belt, and people have drifted away. I don't have the energy to drive social stuff any more, and Facebook's seething anger has just got to me. Again, I've learned from this too.
The news is full of women dying and the media disgusts me. I cried a good deal of the month because a trans teenager a few months older than mine was stabbed and died walking in the park. I cried because she was beautiful. I cried because her poor fucking parents. And I cried because I did not want my daughter's world to be like this, so thoroughly selfish and wicked.
And I had to let her go off on a trip to London basically on her own a few days later. "Had to" in the way you do as a parent. When every atom of your parenting self wants to lock them in a box and keep them safe forever, but they're actually nearly grown up and flying and you have to accept that. And I learned from that, and from a random encounter with a person I only vaguely know from the odd party or club night collecting glasses in a Wetherspoons in Islington. They looked like crap, and I've been way more fucking sober since then because, well just because.
I think really I just know now that I have to be a proper grown up and make it all count a bit more. But seeing the beauty in a world gone particularly bad is going to take some work.
February has been rough. I have new jobs now and they're amazing, but I bit off more than I could chew, overestimated my emotional capacity, and anyway it's all been on fire out there. The last week has been frantically catching up on work shit, and that's boring. I hope that's done and I've learned my lesson. I want to be in my garden more, and I have pressing domestic stuff to get through.
I do just want to fold myself in a little this year. I've a few bruising relationship crashes under my belt, and people have drifted away. I don't have the energy to drive social stuff any more, and Facebook's seething anger has just got to me. Again, I've learned from this too.
The news is full of women dying and the media disgusts me. I cried a good deal of the month because a trans teenager a few months older than mine was stabbed and died walking in the park. I cried because she was beautiful. I cried because her poor fucking parents. And I cried because I did not want my daughter's world to be like this, so thoroughly selfish and wicked.
And I had to let her go off on a trip to London basically on her own a few days later. "Had to" in the way you do as a parent. When every atom of your parenting self wants to lock them in a box and keep them safe forever, but they're actually nearly grown up and flying and you have to accept that. And I learned from that, and from a random encounter with a person I only vaguely know from the odd party or club night collecting glasses in a Wetherspoons in Islington. They looked like crap, and I've been way more fucking sober since then because, well just because.
I think really I just know now that I have to be a proper grown up and make it all count a bit more. But seeing the beauty in a world gone particularly bad is going to take some work.
no subject
Date: 2023-03-01 12:23 pm (UTC)It's tough business being a parent, especially seeing what can happen. Your daughter will likely appreciate your willingness to "let her go" albeit with hesitation.
I'm glad to hear you've been way more sober. As I age, I see how drinking excessively changes who people are and it's seldom for the better.
I'm also so glad to see you've written here again, ______. :)