cybermule: (wonka)
I was just browsing through the Erowid vaults and noticed that you could actually view all of their documents in LaTex. I mean, how cool is that? For those who don't know (which is in fact probably most of you) I wrote my entire MSc dissertation using LaTex, and it was probably the awesomeness of that fact either combined with or as an accessory to my monumentally lucid explanation of Principal Components Analysis that got me my distinction :)

Linking vaguely through the subject of latex, Skinny Puppy were awesome last night. They put on a really tight show, good sound quality, and excellent Silent Hill inspired performance art on stage. Plus, they spattered me with so much fake blood that I look a little like Carrie and got half a tube compartment to myself (even though it was rammed) and absolutely no hassle from several bands of drunk lads on my walk back through Kings Cross. One group did in fact look at me and walk out into the middle of the road to give me a wide enough birth. Score!

I have work tomorrow, and will feel the pain of too much fun then, I suspect. Although work is improving - I'm finding ways to make it creative and interesting even though it is essentially putting links on pages. Got a great performance review too, which was nice, but I think as soon as I see a decent opening in horticulture, I'm probably out of there. We'll see.
cybermule: (Default)
One of those long random updates that would have been better split up lengthwise, I fear, but didn't lend itself to sensible splitting.

I feel mostly ok, in that I don't feel ok but know that not feeling ok is ok. In some ways I feel I do the second dead parent an injustice as I've been here and done this before and kind of know how it goes. On the other hand, the feeling of painful entire supra-generational wipeout is so profound it occasionally makes me want to vomit. Or do something momentously wild and crazy to just show that THIS IS NOT OK.

I think one thing that definitely does not feel good is not having any reason for my mum's death. If you weren't on the filter for the last post, the coroner formed an indefinite conclusion verdict. And I thought I was good with that. After all, I'd been prepared rationally for that to be the case, and when it indeed turned out to be so, the rationality continued and I thought I was fine with that. But then I watched an episode of House MD that ruined my calm - in short (and hopefully non-spoilery) some people found someone dead on the house floor and no reason was ever found. And the huge investment I made in that episode coming to a satisfactory conclusion made me realise that all was not well in that part of my brain.

Fact is, those are the facts of the matter, and I have to be ok with them, so there will be some work to be done there, I guess.

In other news, I've been reading more books recently. I've finally found the time to at least grab a few pages every now and then, and just finished an ace book on prime number theory. I'm working on revising for my RHS exams in February at the moment, but after that, I am so dusting off my calculus hat and going out to play. I forgot how much fun that sort of hard maths was. And I so have no antidote to that vast geeky overload there :)

I was actually wondering if there was some sort of religion I could follow that meant I could be reincarnated with Angelina Jolie's looks, Liam Howlett's musical skills, and Riemann's mathematical brain. Probably not...

Work is going well on all fronts. I like my new boss - she's a good role model in that she's both likeable and impressively assertive. I continue to receive good feedback from both bosses and continue to enjoy the job. The gardening is likewise going well and continues to grow slightly. Related to that (and something I'm very excited about) is the opportunity to possibly grab a local allotment that will let me have bees and chickens.

This would rock most fully.

I continue to build on my running. I've started a (probably) healthy minor Fallout 3 addiction, and I wish I had more time for yoga. I even enjoyed socialising recently, and thought I might like to do more of it. So yeah, despite the not being ok, I am essentially ok and will continue to be so, I expect :)

An update before Christmas is unlikely now, so Happy Christmas to y'all and may the days lengthening hours warm your hearts x
cybermule: (Default)
Well, yesterday was the last day at work. I feel kind of numb about it, to be honest. Or maybe I just don't care that much, although I think I do. I would certainly rather have kept going another few months, but the odds were against it. I'm slightly nervous about my mental health. I've always had regular employment (or study) for nearly twenty years now. I've a little slef-esteem attached to it, certainly, but not so much that I value it highly. More that the odd couple of months here and there where I have had no work have been closely associated in my memory with depression, insomnia and plummeting mental health. There's a whole chicken and egg argument with this, and I know there are many factors then and now to work into the equation. I'm just kinda edgy is all I'm saying.

Anyway, I took a lot of positive things from the job. It was a linker to get me over leaving my career-type employment with little trauma. It was independent income and a chance to get out of the house and socialise in a work-chum type way. It was an immense confidence boost in that I not only became a lot more sure of what I knew, but also of how well I could constructively bullshit. Sometimes it's good to be detached from your work. And finally it was a good first step in a field which I've felt strongly drawn towards for a while now. I can build on this in several directions. My boss said I was good, and I should carry on in the field, and he was a nit-picking old queena boss of high standards.

I won't miss the endless sweeping and the arsehole customers. I only wish I'd been ruder.

Anyhow, future opportunities:

- expand the private gardening (at least deliver the leaflets I made at business class ages ago)
- chase the horticultural therapy voluntary post
- chase G re extra work on the IT-garden fusion project
- send my CV to Jekka's Herb Farm (who sounded interested)
- wait to hear back from garden centre B
- chase garden centre A

Plenty to do :)
cybermule: (Default)
Always wanted to use that lyric as a blog title.

Anyhoo, the second notable thing I did today was set fire to my fringe via our explosive grill. Cue much helpful pointing out of the fact from my husband, many tears from the toddler (mostly because he was two inches behind me just as I leapt back), and a square inch of frizzled scalp. Luckily it doesn't show too badly. I'd like to pretend I didn't care about my looks, but going around looking like I've lost my way back to Silent Hill is a bit much even for my flagrant disregard of the external.

The first thing I did was decide to hand my resignation in at the garden centre. Lots of reasons: more time with the offspring, a nagging feeling of guilt fed by my aunt's horror that I make my husband drop the child off ONCE A FORTNIGHT OMG!!!!, and the general difficulty of scheduling a fixed day of week with two busy babysitters and an absent-minded busy executive.

Only the first of those has any great bearing, but the combination makes me think there's more pain than gain in it at the moment. On a personal level, I'm not bitter. I'm struggling to deal with the loss of a big part of my identity and self-esteem tied up in holding down a steady job, but that's not all bad. Other things will happen. On a global scale, I wonder if it's this difficult for me, how hard must it be for other mothers with more pressing financial needs and less family support? The world sucks.
cybermule: (Default)
Thank god, really. My last day in the office for my "old job contract". Actually, it's not all been bad. It's made me remember what I didn't like about the place, and how glad I am not to be returning. But it also gave me a twinge of nostalgia, and a reminder that this is somewhere where, although I might not have excelled, I certainly succeeded (both socially and workwise), often against all the odds.

The worst thing about it has been missing the sprog. I've been pounding 3-day weeks for a while (oh, the pain!) and I feel like the world's worst mother. God knows how people deal with a full working week, and thank the deities that I never got myself into that financial position. The sprog is making more and more forays into the world of walking, and I will be glad to get back to spending more time with him. I have Monday and Tuesday with some (nicer) commitments, then back to just one day a week for November.

The pain was made worse by scheduling a load of stuff over this fortnight to just try and cram the pain into one short stretch. I went on a drystone walling course with my brother, which rocked. I even enjoyed his company for a bit, when he wasn't bossing me about. He's learning to drive at the moment, which obviously qualifies him to give a running critique on my driving abilities from the point of view of what he doesn't realise is the callow learner.

In other work news, I was super-brave and screwed up my courage to go and talk to the local garden centre about jobs. Which paid dividends, as they seemed quite keen. I think I need to move fast on my gardening career, so that I can screw it up and bin it if it's not worked out in a couple of years.

The upside of this job is I'm nearly caught up on LJ. I'm aware I still have to do a meme-post on my childhood, but it would be a big document. Maybe I'll get time to do it on my NEW EEE-PC! Ahem ;)
cybermule: (Default)
Just more generally about the big stuff, rather than pretending to be the data contact for some faddle-arse little HE data survey that you can't actually do yourself.

FFS - *eye roll*

I don't actually miss this job. I though I did when it initially became apparent that I wouldn't be able to have it any more [on my terms]. Now I've realised that I just don't fit through lack of interest rather than lack of qualituies.

It's a boost to my self-esteem that moving away from here has made me realised that I *can* play the games - I'm not incapable, just disinterested.


Jun. 12th, 2008 11:52 am
cybermule: (Default)
Back at work to work out my month's notice, and already I'm posting to LJ. That's kind of funny.

It's ok, actually. Decided to quit smoking today as well, just to up the ante. The nice thing is that they've already found me some contract work for the Autumn, which is both thoughtful and financially beneficial to me.

Oh yeah...

Apr. 17th, 2008 02:22 pm
cybermule: (Default)
Birthday was great - thanks for cards and online good wishes. Probably more on that later.

In less good news, I should no longer have a well-paid career-type job by about ten past 9 tomorrow morning. Ho-hum.
cybermule: (Default)
Woot. We have a milkman now. Which is great, as I was accumulating plastic cartons far faster than I was ever likely to take them to the recycling bank. Milkman does that for me now, plus delivers bread and orange'juice.

Work was a bit weird yesterday. Will have a new boss in August, so newbie is shadowing old-boss. Shadowing taken literally - I swear they even go to the toilet together. Which means that nobody spoke to me yesterday. Well - customers did. I'm good with customers. And it was a compliment that I got left to my own devices. It was just a bit weird.

My garden is starting to look brill. I'm even getting to grips with my allotment (low maintenance gardening ahoy!). I've not really anything else to say that isn't garden-related, so see y'all later.


Oct. 18th, 2007 10:27 am
cybermule: (Default)
My replacement at work is leaving already - gone to work for the bomb squad.

Ben's sleeping ages at night at the moment - blissful, except 0ct0pus and I were awake fretting at 4:30 AM :) We had a sneaky peak, and he slept on until 6:30...
cybermule: (Default)
Slowly coming to the end of the cold from hell - nearly two weeks of feeling shit. Thank you depressed immune system :/ The biggest side effect (after snot and coughing) has been the ensuing lack of sleep, which is probably why I've been crashed out most of the weekend.

Doesn't stop me beating myself up for my lack of productivity. I think I'm just nuts, to be honest.

Yesterday, I went to Glastonbury with [personal profile] ninneviane, [profile] treborjones and [ profile] 0ct0pus. I had the best day ever, and even struggled up to the top of the tor. Not bad :)

Struggled up to Stroud on Saturday to do crappy family stuff. It was the feckin' horse trials at Badminton, so took me about an hour each way. I counted 286 landrovers coming the opposite way in a 10-mile stretch of A46. I also bought some nappies and petted a tiny baby sheep. Memmis Bach! As [ profile] 0ct0pus rightly pointed out, if I'm being rational, I do do a fair amount of stuff for someone who's dropping a sprog next month.

My mum's newest trick is to refuse to do anything constructive that she previously agreed to, and when challenged she points to me and says she only ever agreed because "she made me". Which is fairly embarrassing in a high street bank on a busy Saturday morning. But ho-hum - just got to get her signature and a letter from the DHS and she'll have her very own independent life.

Which she doesn't want.

Three more days of work to go until I can leave. Phew. All I have to do now is teach my replacement (who never smiles) how to do my job (even though she's never done any programming) while smiling sweetly at the fact she's already being paid about 5k a year more than me. Oh well. 1 week of work, followed by 4 weeks of playing Final Fantasy, then I'll be a mum.

I hereby solemnly swear that I will never go back to working full-time at that place, even when the baby's old enough to go to school.
cybermule: (Default)
Right now I'm pissed off because I have a stinky cold and I can't take anything for it.


Talked to my boss yesterday, and got some idea of what I'm coming back to. Planning, strategy, and a more customer-facing role. And a re-grade, possibly. All sounds good to me.

Set some boundaries with my brother last night, which involved a cessation of annoying pilfering from my mum's bank account. Which means a whole lot less stress for me, thank god.

So life is being challenging right now, but in a positive way.

cybermule: (Default)
As far as I'm concerned, I'm being paid to spend 10 hours a day listening to Personal Jesus on my MP3 player. My hands pretty much work themselves these days.

Which is a sad inditement of the challenge I get from my work. Leading to a fairly reliable performance indicator of my error rate.

I can do it with my eyes closed and one hand tied behind my back, so I frequently do... just for kicks.

I've put in a formal warning to my line manager that I'm stressed. A big step for me. I've told my family that I can't cope any more, and they're broadly sympathetic.

I have three options, which will pan out over the next month or so.

So I'm chipping away at the oppressive block in my life.
cybermule: (Default)
Just under 5 km in 32 minutes. I so rock! And I finally decided to go for the CRUK 10km. On a course that won't kill me :)

In other news, work is too busy. And it's the bluegrass festival this weekend, so we get to try out our plush new tent, with added space :))

There was something else, but I've forgotten...

Oh yeah - more donkey cam:

You what?

Aug. 25th, 2006 03:54 pm
cybermule: (Default)
Who would call their kid Drummond Bone? It's just cruel. Mind you, could have been Drummond Baice.

Anyway. Booked tickets to Amsterdam. Ran at lunchtime - about 4k, and I would have run it all, but for the bastard hill at the end. Never mind - one day I will conquer.

This time tomorrow I should be coming back down from Scafell Pike. Big grins :D
cybermule: (Default)
Work constantly feels out of my comfort zone. Every day, pretty much, has something I'd rather not be doing. Which is good for personal growth, but also exhausting.

Today I gave a talk on the survey I run every year. Which went fairly well, but on top of minutes for a 3 hour meeting, and setting up processes for system management in a possibly controversial setting...

Well, I'm just knackered. I think I deserve more pay.
cybermule: (Default)
Peh. Turns out the person who annoyed me yesterday was just trying to "cover their arse".

We work in a non-departmental government body.

As data wrangling geeks.

What's the worst that can happen - last in the feckin' tea queue at elevenses.

cybermule: (Default)
OK, today is not going well.

My mum managed to elicit twice her due amount of money from me and my brother on Saturday. Which means she went on a massive bender for a few days. Which means she's now virtually incapable.

I don't actually care all that much. Except her mum (my gran) keeps phoning me every 12 hours in floods of hysterical tears, leaving messages for me to go up and help my poor mother.

Without wishing to sound heartless, I don't actually care all that much. Plus, I'm hugely busy and hugely exhausted.

I can't concentrate on my work with this going on in my ear all the time.

And I'm finding it increasingly hard to deal with one of my rpojects without telling the guy he's stupid. It's not my fault - he's driving me into the corner of no return.

Anyway. The weekend was good. I went walking and canoeing with [profile] d_ph4ze, which rocked. I did my 3 minutes upgrade to my running with little problem, and I blagged about £500 worth of garden design contract.

And yesterday I went to see my godson, who's all of teh cute.

Doesn't alter the fact that I'm knackered. Snore.

Big news

Apr. 19th, 2006 04:14 pm
cybermule: (Default)
I'm applying for a new job. Better paid, more interesting, and closer to home. Plus, I'm perfectly qualified.

Keep fingers crossed...

Had kitty related trauma yesterday - I went out around 4, and shut the cat out, fairly safe in the knowledge that both myself and Dai would be home in a couple of hours.

No sign of kitty when we both got home around 6, and I had a bad feeling.

No sign of kitty still at nine o'clock, when she hadn't eaten all day.

So I started panicking, and wandered around outside calling her. And suddenly I heard a faint but familiar meoww. And tracked it down to one of the locked garages in the communal yard :((

Obviously I went into a really big flap, because at that point, she knew I was outside, and her meows were becomign quite pitiful and heart-rending. I don't think she was in distress, just fussing. Luckily, one of our neighbours knew a relative of the lady that owned the garage, and she came home to let the cat out.

Lovely lady - I'm going to buy her some flowers.

And so a tearful cybermule was reunited with her dumbass cat.

More on the weekend later...
cybermule: (Default)
I ran about a mile today. I should add this to my exercise log card. I should also pay some cash into my bank account.

One of the things I've learned about work in the past few days is to try and cram the things I have to do in the time I have available. I did my minutes in about half an hour today. Normally it takes much longer. Now they're probably a bit shitter than if I'd taken an hour or two to do them, but not significantly shitter.

Certainly not 100% shitter.

And it'll take me less than the remainder of the time to mindlessly implement peoples' comments. Which are political rather than factual anyway.

I can't be bothered wasting chunks of my life in some of the work that I have to do. Does it show too badly? I think I've reached a point where I've had enough, as I've started to slightly dread going into work every morning. It started after my last holiday. It's not bad enough to flake out, but it is enough to hate about 60% of my job.

Oh, and my ex is an arse. Seems like everyone else noticed that but me, up until the last month or so.

Guess my brain is changing again.

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