A stable stable is an able stable
Dec. 21st, 2009 05:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cybermuleOne of those long random updates that would have been better split up lengthwise, I fear, but didn't lend itself to sensible splitting.
I feel mostly ok, in that I don't feel ok but know that not feeling ok is ok. In some ways I feel I do the second dead parent an injustice as I've been here and done this before and kind of know how it goes. On the other hand, the feeling of painful entire supra-generational wipeout is so profound it occasionally makes me want to vomit. Or do something momentously wild and crazy to just show that THIS IS NOT OK.
I think one thing that definitely does not feel good is not having any reason for my mum's death. If you weren't on the filter for the last post, the coroner formed an indefinite conclusion verdict. And I thought I was good with that. After all, I'd been prepared rationally for that to be the case, and when it indeed turned out to be so, the rationality continued and I thought I was fine with that. But then I watched an episode of House MD that ruined my calm - in short (and hopefully non-spoilery) some people found someone dead on the house floor and no reason was ever found. And the huge investment I made in that episode coming to a satisfactory conclusion made me realise that all was not well in that part of my brain.
Fact is, those are the facts of the matter, and I have to be ok with them, so there will be some work to be done there, I guess.
In other news, I've been reading more books recently. I've finally found the time to at least grab a few pages every now and then, and just finished an ace book on prime number theory. I'm working on revising for my RHS exams in February at the moment, but after that, I am so dusting off my calculus hat and going out to play. I forgot how much fun that sort of hard maths was. And I so have no antidote to that vast geeky overload there :)
I was actually wondering if there was some sort of religion I could follow that meant I could be reincarnated with Angelina Jolie's looks, Liam Howlett's musical skills, and Riemann's mathematical brain. Probably not...
Work is going well on all fronts. I like my new boss - she's a good role model in that she's both likeable and impressively assertive. I continue to receive good feedback from both bosses and continue to enjoy the job. The gardening is likewise going well and continues to grow slightly. Related to that (and something I'm very excited about) is the opportunity to possibly grab a local allotment that will let me have bees and chickens.
This would rock most fully.
I continue to build on my running. I've started a (probably) healthy minor Fallout 3 addiction, and I wish I had more time for yoga. I even enjoyed socialising recently, and thought I might like to do more of it. So yeah, despite the not being ok, I am essentially ok and will continue to be so, I expect :)
An update before Christmas is unlikely now, so Happy Christmas to y'all and may the days lengthening hours warm your hearts x
I feel mostly ok, in that I don't feel ok but know that not feeling ok is ok. In some ways I feel I do the second dead parent an injustice as I've been here and done this before and kind of know how it goes. On the other hand, the feeling of painful entire supra-generational wipeout is so profound it occasionally makes me want to vomit. Or do something momentously wild and crazy to just show that THIS IS NOT OK.
I think one thing that definitely does not feel good is not having any reason for my mum's death. If you weren't on the filter for the last post, the coroner formed an indefinite conclusion verdict. And I thought I was good with that. After all, I'd been prepared rationally for that to be the case, and when it indeed turned out to be so, the rationality continued and I thought I was fine with that. But then I watched an episode of House MD that ruined my calm - in short (and hopefully non-spoilery) some people found someone dead on the house floor and no reason was ever found. And the huge investment I made in that episode coming to a satisfactory conclusion made me realise that all was not well in that part of my brain.
Fact is, those are the facts of the matter, and I have to be ok with them, so there will be some work to be done there, I guess.
In other news, I've been reading more books recently. I've finally found the time to at least grab a few pages every now and then, and just finished an ace book on prime number theory. I'm working on revising for my RHS exams in February at the moment, but after that, I am so dusting off my calculus hat and going out to play. I forgot how much fun that sort of hard maths was. And I so have no antidote to that vast geeky overload there :)
I was actually wondering if there was some sort of religion I could follow that meant I could be reincarnated with Angelina Jolie's looks, Liam Howlett's musical skills, and Riemann's mathematical brain. Probably not...
Work is going well on all fronts. I like my new boss - she's a good role model in that she's both likeable and impressively assertive. I continue to receive good feedback from both bosses and continue to enjoy the job. The gardening is likewise going well and continues to grow slightly. Related to that (and something I'm very excited about) is the opportunity to possibly grab a local allotment that will let me have bees and chickens.
This would rock most fully.
I continue to build on my running. I've started a (probably) healthy minor Fallout 3 addiction, and I wish I had more time for yoga. I even enjoyed socialising recently, and thought I might like to do more of it. So yeah, despite the not being ok, I am essentially ok and will continue to be so, I expect :)
An update before Christmas is unlikely now, so Happy Christmas to y'all and may the days lengthening hours warm your hearts x
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no subject
Date: 2009-12-23 07:17 pm (UTC)Bees AND chickens...happy chickens? That totally rocks!!!! :D
"I feel mostly ok, in that I don't feel ok but know that not feeling ok is ok"
That pretty much hits the nail on the head hon. It is ok not to feel ok and you can still be ok within that in a general way even though in so many other respects you're not ok. The circumstances you've had to deal with hon are above and beyond most peoples normality pentameters. I have nothing but admiration for how well you have held yourself and life together throughout.
"I forgot how much fun that sort of hard maths was."
I do love you :)
no subject
Date: 2009-12-24 11:02 am (UTC)And I do love you too, babe :) Was going to text you to tell you, but dammit! Let the whole world know...
no subject
Date: 2009-12-24 08:57 pm (UTC)**gives you a big hug and squeeze**