(no subject)

[cybermule]

OK, firstly I want to point out that I've removed the filters on a bunch of posts. Posts from a long time ago, that felt sensitive at the time but aren't really any more. A couple stay under lock and key, if they might prove embarrassing to identifiable individuals.

My stress-levels have rocketed recently. I could blame it on my crappy family, or I could blame it on the impending anniversary of my dad's death. But really I'd be avoiding the real issue - that I have strayed from the path of being true to myself. An epithet as cheesy as the most crumbly stilton, but also in some overstretched simile of a way, also as fine and mature :) Which is one reason why the post filters have changed - I am me, and if you don't like it, don't read it.

1. I've started to feel the need to work on a genuine level with life. I could spout rhetoric on my higher motives, but really it's because I've become cranky on this matter, can see no other real option or choice. Life is too short.

2. In a similar vein, it seems I have to agonise over everything. I enjoy theory, but (and this is probably unfortunate), I have to actually engage in and work through a lot of practical stuff. Answers just don't come quickly to me, and I have difficulties sharing my thoughts. But I'm good at writing them, and doing that is OK - see point 4 below.

3. I want to keep moving, to constantly achieve new levels of knowledge and experience. Basically I see the aim of life to be like the synthesis of a new compound - you have to keep experimenting and researching, and hopefully one day you'll get there. Only problem? Not sure where "there" is right now. But:
(a) "there" involves being as free from the system as I can at any given point in my life
(b) "there" involves building a meaningful network of relationships. To do this, I will have to, in pure bizspeak, "think outside the box". The definition of meaningful doesn't, however, include any room for bizspeak. Let's call that the mule paradox :)
(c) "there" involves making my own rigorous analysis of the world. Particularly society and its rules. I don't understand them very much sometimes :) And using this to develop some meaningful belief system, in every sense of the word "belief".

4. I need to make some sort of difference. My job's fine, but I'm not convinced of its lasting impact, so I need something else. Maybe my writing? So, another reason for running a more open journal. Being hopeful rather than egocentric, one day someone may get something out of it. And if I always write a journal that I can be proud of, then I can always leave it out there on the offchance. So expect entries to be erratic for a few weeks :)

This is my plan, and I shall revisit it often. And so shall it be ;)

Comments

Bravo *standing ovation*

[fyatuk.livejournal.com]

Anything called a manifesto deserves a standing ovation after all...

Sounds like good ideas, one and all. I hope everything works out for you, especially over the next couple weeks. That'll be tough on both of us.

I'll definitely be routing for you to succeed. After all, if you can succeed, maybe I can too.

Cheers!

Re: Bravo *standing ovation*

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

Thanks, elfking. I think we can both succeed, but as you rightly pointed out, the next couple of weeks are going to be rough. So let me know if there's anything I can do, and I'll do the same.

For the record, I've really appreciated you being around this past year.

I think I mainly wanted to define my life objectives knowing that I'm dreading next week. I ostensibly inform people that the 11th and the 15th are "just dates", "doesn't mean anything", blah blah. But I'm kidding myself if I think that they're not significant dates on some level. Like, you can not give a crap about your birthday, but you still know it's there, ya know?

Anyway, I just needed to get my head straight, 'cos the stress was piling up, the moods were going downhill and I felt like I was living a disconnected life. And that makes for downwards spirals.

[aras-55555.livejournal.com]

Huzzah cybermule, huzzah! :D

Erratic sounds interesting...looking forward to it ;)

Only problem? Not sure where "there" is right now.

Do you really think there's a 'there'? I mean, any sort of final destination to get to, or a goal that will make you feel 'fulfilled' when you reach it? I'm not sure I've ever met anyone who's 'there' - even if you're happy where you are, you can't really help moving on. This is all IMHO of course, but I've always found a lot of truth in 'Wherever you go, there you are.' :)

[apel.livejournal.com]

Do you really think there's a 'there'? I mean, any sort of final destination to get to, or a goal that will make you feel 'fulfilled' when you reach it?

In my experience there isn't. There are milestones, though. They're quire important because you need to measure your success somehow. The problem comes if they're too far apart. I've seen too many people beat themselves up about not being able to run a marathon when they've only just learned to crawl.

But in my experience personal growth becomes a habit of a lifetime. In fact I was just talking about that in a meeting the other day. I sometimes meet people who think they're going to give themselves two years to work on their personal problems and then they'll be sorted and they can concentrate on other things. Maybe it works that way for some people but it doesn't for me. The more I work on myself, the better life becomes and the more appetite I have for increasing my quality of life even more. I've been at it for well over a decade now and I see no point in quitting. That would be kind of like stopping to eat healthy food.

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

Milestones are definitely a good plan, Apel, and thanks for pointing that out. One of my problems is that I have two bipolar modes of life-travel - heavily structured and ridiculously feckless and laid back. And I just ossilate between them with little real growth or change. So I think that learning to be in the middle, plotting myself some realistic goals, would be a very good thing.

I liked the "habit of a lifetime" sentiment, too. I've just come to the conclusion, somewhere deep inside, that my life has to change, that I have to move beyond just coping. And the only way I can see to do that is to grow, because I'm not really getting that right now, at the size I am :)

And by the way, I appreciate the way you take time to be an inspiration. It's very helpful to me.

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

Huzzah cybermule, huzzah! :D

heheh - thanks, Aras. I felt a bit silly posting it, to be honest, but I think it just meant a lot to me, somewhere, deep down and intuitive.

Erratic sounds interesting

Well, it'll be a change ;P

Do you really think there's a 'there'?

Actually, you just made a really good point :| There probably isn't a "there" at all. You just made me realise that quite a lot of problems in my life could be mainly brought about by trying to reach the "there", rather than kicking back and enjoying the "here". So I think Apel has a good point below, too. I need milestones, but even if I did achieve a mystical state of "there"-ness, to be honest I'd probably just be disappointed :)

I guess that it's finding things out that's more important to me, rather than the actual facts themselves.

Cheers! xx

[forkshy.livejournal.com]

i've been working on a personal 'ten commandments,' may i steal and change number four to be my number six?



also, i love number three. stagnation is the enemy of an educated, dynamic human consciousness.

what are your thoughts on a system of belief? will this be based on value, practicality, or some pleasant mix of the two?

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

You most certainly can steal anything you like, so long as you post it one day ;)

Funnily enough, that idea of a personal ten commandments was the exact thing I was thinking about when I wrote this. You asked my thoughts on a system of belief, and I think that for me, right now, it has to be a wrestled-out balance of value and practicality. Hopefully a pleasant mix, but I'm prepared to accept the bitter. I just want to work out what to do in situations that bother me. Often there is a morally correct answer, but is that really right, or is it just a pointless societal norm?

And how do I cope with a situation where I think that I will regret not doing a possibly wrong thing far more than I would regret doing it?

Do you see where I'm driving at? I hope I'm not just wibbling :) And I appreciate the positive comments.

[forkshy.livejournal.com]

oh, yes, i see what you're getting at. i've reached a point where my system of belief lies in the realm that lies between connectivism and individualism; or rather, in deffining the line that seperates 'me' from everything else.

i believe that in there one finds the range of situations in which they are able to affect change, and since our only real power is the power to make decisions, we are weighed morally by those decisions (ethics being the system by which one applies logic to make a moral decision).

Or, in a more spiritual sense. I don't think that our thoughts, feelings, or the things that are forced upon us by the outside world are any way to make value judgements because in those things we are offered little choice. Rather, it is through the web of connections that links us to the outside world that one can render a positive or negative change.

blah blah blah...

i only said all that because i'm eager to find out if your musings are leading you in a similar direction.

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

i only said all that because i'm eager to find out if your musings are leading you in a similar direction

Possibly. I don't have any knowledge whatsoever of philosophy, so you're probably going to have to explain your idea to me a bit more slowly.

I think personally I've got to the stage where I've moved onto questioning "normal" moral ethics. Which is late in life, but never mind :) Like, instead of thinking of issues as black and white uber-digital situations, exploring the grey areas and the factors that steer you through their fog.

Where am I more important than other people?

How can I live my life in a way that generally makes the world a better place?

I think I at least partly understand and empathise with what I think you're saying. The networks between myself and the world are incredibly important - I have to act in a way that keeps them healthy and vibrant, I have to improve the world (albeit in a small way), and to do that, I have to improve myself.

That's all I know right now :)

since our only real power is the power to make decisions

So you're saying that that is at the core of our place in the world? That everything other action, reaction and interaction are all a result of making decisions? That kind of makes sense, but I wanted to check what you were really saying.

Rather, it is through the web of connections that links us to the outside world that one can render a positive or negative change.

Connections in what sense of the word? Do you just mean connections with people, or other things too?

blah blah blah...

[unsane1.livejournal.com]

Nice! I'll have more to say later, as I digest. The eternal later. :P


Particularly society and its rules. I don't understand them very much sometimes :)


Heh indeed. A part of me has a deep resentment for all these infinite rules. You can't escape them anymore, and unfortunately all they do is chain you to the common definition of normality and reality.

I mean, is it all really necessary? Early socities seemed to have functioned fine... In fact evidence seems to point to the fact that there were no wars at all in early societies, which says a lot. There may have been rules, but nothing like what we have today.

Can you imagine living nowadays without a name? Without a bank account? Without a passport? Without a driver's license? Without government? Without police? Without armies?

/me, still looking for an island to buy and start a commune with a bunch of technopagan, transhumanist cyborgs.

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

A part of me has a deep resentment for all these infinite rules.

Mmm. ALl they make me want to do is flout them in an annoyingly reckless fashion. Only occasionally, mind you, but not always the wisest plan :)

A part of me has a deep resentment for all these infinite rules.

heheh - I work in a government office, I know exactly what you mean. Like, I don't want to make myself redundant here, but would anyone really notice if the whole department weren't there? The only rational explanation that I can think of right now is that the human race has intuitively guessed that it's a bit redundant, and is in an elaborate state of denial.

Let me know when you find that island :)

[unsane1.livejournal.com]

The only rational
explanation that I can think of right now is that the human race has
intuitively guessed that it's a bit redundant, and is in an elaborate
state of denial.


LOL I like that. :D

[ninneviane.livejournal.com]

**rahs and whoops a lot**

You go girl! **hugs**

This is so reflective of where I am right now, and I have been pondering a post along the similar lines.
The last few months especially have been a learning curve and half, and dare I say it, but I feel I've turned a corner...walked through the next door...turned the page to the next chapter **grins** there are many similes I could attach to this change in course.
I feel the time has come to write a plan, to start mapping again.
It's kind exciting isn't it, though daunting too...but you know, for the first time in a long time I actually feel ready to take myself on.

It's kinda weird (the sort of weird I like), but as I've been scanning through my friends page today (the first time I've had a moment to catch up a little all week), I can see the change there too. There are many people who have reached and are turning their own corners...
It's reassuring (I think...but then I would, given my 'beliefs') to see that this good vibe is working nicely, smoothly, at something akin to macrocosm/microcosm level.
This bodes well, very well indeed **grins**

**huge hugs**

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the hugs, babe. I'm glad a few people are feeling this way. On a logical level (and this is where I also have to reassure myself first and foremost), it's good to knwo that at least a few other people feel the same way, and therefore I can't be barking mad. And it also satisfies my slightly intuitive hippy side.

You should make that post, if you feel like doing it. I like getting things like that down in black-and-white, I've decided, even if it does seem a bit self-absorbed and weird at the time. And your posts have always inspired me a lot, so I'd enjoy reading it.

Take care, see you soon, and *BIG hugs*