(no subject)
May. 8th, 2004 12:05 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cybermuleOK, firstly I want to point out that I've removed the filters on a bunch of posts. Posts from a long time ago, that felt sensitive at the time but aren't really any more. A couple stay under lock and key, if they might prove embarrassing to identifiable individuals.
My stress-levels have rocketed recently. I could blame it on my crappy family, or I could blame it on the impending anniversary of my dad's death. But really I'd be avoiding the real issue - that I have strayed from the path of being true to myself. An epithet as cheesy as the most crumbly stilton, but also in some overstretched simile of a way, also as fine and mature :) Which is one reason why the post filters have changed - I am me, and if you don't like it, don't read it.
1. I've started to feel the need to work on a genuine level with life. I could spout rhetoric on my higher motives, but really it's because I've become cranky on this matter, can see no other real option or choice. Life is too short.
2. In a similar vein, it seems I have to agonise over everything. I enjoy theory, but (and this is probably unfortunate), I have to actually engage in and work through a lot of practical stuff. Answers just don't come quickly to me, and I have difficulties sharing my thoughts. But I'm good at writing them, and doing that is OK - see point 4 below.
3. I want to keep moving, to constantly achieve new levels of knowledge and experience. Basically I see the aim of life to be like the synthesis of a new compound - you have to keep experimenting and researching, and hopefully one day you'll get there. Only problem? Not sure where "there" is right now. But:
(a) "there" involves being as free from the system as I can at any given point in my life
(b) "there" involves building a meaningful network of relationships. To do this, I will have to, in pure bizspeak, "think outside the box". The definition of meaningful doesn't, however, include any room for bizspeak. Let's call that the mule paradox :)
(c) "there" involves making my own rigorous analysis of the world. Particularly society and its rules. I don't understand them very much sometimes :) And using this to develop some meaningful belief system, in every sense of the word "belief".
4. I need to make some sort of difference. My job's fine, but I'm not convinced of its lasting impact, so I need something else. Maybe my writing? So, another reason for running a more open journal. Being hopeful rather than egocentric, one day someone may get something out of it. And if I always write a journal that I can be proud of, then I can always leave it out there on the offchance. So expect entries to be erratic for a few weeks :)
This is my plan, and I shall revisit it often. And so shall it be ;)
My stress-levels have rocketed recently. I could blame it on my crappy family, or I could blame it on the impending anniversary of my dad's death. But really I'd be avoiding the real issue - that I have strayed from the path of being true to myself. An epithet as cheesy as the most crumbly stilton, but also in some overstretched simile of a way, also as fine and mature :) Which is one reason why the post filters have changed - I am me, and if you don't like it, don't read it.
1. I've started to feel the need to work on a genuine level with life. I could spout rhetoric on my higher motives, but really it's because I've become cranky on this matter, can see no other real option or choice. Life is too short.
2. In a similar vein, it seems I have to agonise over everything. I enjoy theory, but (and this is probably unfortunate), I have to actually engage in and work through a lot of practical stuff. Answers just don't come quickly to me, and I have difficulties sharing my thoughts. But I'm good at writing them, and doing that is OK - see point 4 below.
3. I want to keep moving, to constantly achieve new levels of knowledge and experience. Basically I see the aim of life to be like the synthesis of a new compound - you have to keep experimenting and researching, and hopefully one day you'll get there. Only problem? Not sure where "there" is right now. But:
(a) "there" involves being as free from the system as I can at any given point in my life
(b) "there" involves building a meaningful network of relationships. To do this, I will have to, in pure bizspeak, "think outside the box". The definition of meaningful doesn't, however, include any room for bizspeak. Let's call that the mule paradox :)
(c) "there" involves making my own rigorous analysis of the world. Particularly society and its rules. I don't understand them very much sometimes :) And using this to develop some meaningful belief system, in every sense of the word "belief".
4. I need to make some sort of difference. My job's fine, but I'm not convinced of its lasting impact, so I need something else. Maybe my writing? So, another reason for running a more open journal. Being hopeful rather than egocentric, one day someone may get something out of it. And if I always write a journal that I can be proud of, then I can always leave it out there on the offchance. So expect entries to be erratic for a few weeks :)
This is my plan, and I shall revisit it often. And so shall it be ;)
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no subject
Date: 2004-05-09 01:47 pm (UTC)You go girl! **hugs**
This is so reflective of where I am right now, and I have been pondering a post along the similar lines.
The last few months especially have been a learning curve and half, and dare I say it, but I feel I've turned a corner...walked through the next door...turned the page to the next chapter **grins** there are many similes I could attach to this change in course.
I feel the time has come to write a plan, to start mapping again.
It's kind exciting isn't it, though daunting too...but you know, for the first time in a long time I actually feel ready to take myself on.
It's kinda weird (the sort of weird I like), but as I've been scanning through my friends page today (the first time I've had a moment to catch up a little all week), I can see the change there too. There are many people who have reached and are turning their own corners...
It's reassuring (I think...but then I would, given my 'beliefs') to see that this good vibe is working nicely, smoothly, at something akin to macrocosm/microcosm level.
This bodes well, very well indeed **grins**
**huge hugs**
no subject
Date: 2004-05-11 01:06 pm (UTC)You should make that post, if you feel like doing it. I like getting things like that down in black-and-white, I've decided, even if it does seem a bit self-absorbed and weird at the time. And your posts have always inspired me a lot, so I'd enjoy reading it.
Take care, see you soon, and *BIG hugs*