(no subject)

[cybermule]

Well, today has been strange. My dad died a year ago, so that just seems to have put an odd spin on the day. Just as a point to note, this time last year, as far as I was concerned, he was still alive. I don't find out yet for another four days.

I seem to have handled it just fine, especially after giving myself a good psychological kick in the backside over the weekend. I think I did all my going to pieces last week. By Friday, I felt like a truck that had shed all its bits along the hard shoulder. You know when you see those massive strips of tyre on the side of the motorway, and you wonder what the fuck happened to the truck? Kind of like that.

The question that is going through my head is whether you really truly accept death at all? Do you lose someone, then spend the rest of your life secretly not being at all surprised if it turned out to have been a mistake? The tales that you think up seem less and less plausible as time goes by, but I'm wondering if you ever really know in your heart that they are gone.

Maybe the feeling is just me. I'm not looking for reassurance or comfort with that, I just sometimes wonder. To me, death is the big dark ugly kernel of reality that I mostly choose to ignore - I won't stare it in the eye. I'm not afraid of it, I just can't accept that the person is gone. Despite being an overly-fearful child, I guess I just never really thought about it, to be honest. Religious and spiritual things never really troubled me over-much, I barely even thought, in the way I would now describe thinking, until about 5 years ago.

Then suddenly it slammed me in the face, my own mortality by generational proxy, the fact that I could be dead in 20 years. Doesn't seem so long. And I was ill-prepared to cope with it on a personally relevant level. It had always happened to someone else.

I haven't really got any answers here, but I have spent the year noticing, for the first time, that I really have a lot of questions.

Comments

[toxicpixie.livejournal.com]

Those tire remnants are generally thrown off as the truck keeps moving. The trucks fine, just needs a new tire.

You're the truck, not the tire :)

Nathan, The Toxic Pixie

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

Thank you :) I think I was mostly just being surprised that I am fine, really. I wasn't expecting to be.

[unsane1.livejournal.com]

Do you lose someone, then spend the rest of your life secretly not being at all surprised if it turned out to have been a mistake? [...] wondering if you ever really know in your heart that they are gone.


I don't think it can ever be 100%, at least not for me. For a [probably stupid] example, I live with the surreal sense in the back of my mind that I wouldn't be surprised if one day reality stopped working and some alien smiled at me and I say "I knew it!" However that is only a 1% shot in the back of my mind. I concentrate on the other 99%, and so for all practical purposes I take things as they are, trying to begrudgingly accept death as final.

I want to believe there is some vast higher reality etc., but almost all evidence I have come across points to "everything is as it seems". So I take that as a basic assumption and if there's more then it's simply a bonus. But I digress. :P


I barely even thought, in the way I would now describe thinking, until about 5 years ago.


That perfectly describes the way I feel as well. I am so minutely aware now, it's hard to imagine what my mindstate was before. Just a damn zombie I was. Very strange.


Then suddenly it slammed me in the face, my own mortality by generational proxy, the fact that I could be dead in 20 years. Doesn't seem so long. And I was ill-prepared to cope with it on a personally relevant level. It had always happened to someone else.


Indeed. We are all in denial until it happens to us. Whenever mortality slaps me in the face I feel very depressed. Since I'm not in that state of mind right now, I can actually think rationally about it. The result of that pondering is, I believe that mortality (for agnostics anyway) is the absolute best argument ever against wasting one's life in things one doesn't enjoy. The best argument against the rat-race life ever. Live life to the fullest, enjoy every moment, do what one loves, because before you know it it's over. Live life in a way that you know you will never have any regrets. I've wavered off course a little here again... :P

It just makes me sad to know that 99% of people never have such a realization. Either they waste their life in an illusion of chasing dreams of afterlife x/y/z, and/or they just waste their life following the system as it stands, playing into the hands of opportunistic people with a view of the forest.

I've babbled enough for now.

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

For a [probably stupid] example, I live with the surreal sense in the back of my mind that I wouldn't be surprised if one day reality stopped working

That's not really a stupid example. If I woke up tomorrow and reality was entirely different, I wouldn't be that surprised. Disorientated, maybe, but not that surprised. Even when taken strictly at face value, the world is a very weird place.

I want to believe there is some vast higher reality etc., but almost all evidence I have come across points to "everything is as it seems". So I take that as a basic assumption and if there's more then it's simply a bonus. But I digress. :P

It was a good digression, though - show me a new way of thinking about things. Like you, I want to believe in some higher reality, along with a bunch of other stuff that I might add to my manifesto :) But unfortunately, I need to see evidence that isn't there to be able to believe. And I always found that rather depressing. But you just accept it more stoically, and see anything more as a bonus. That's so elegant.

That perfectly describes the way I feel as well.

Cool. I think I had this hyper-aware state of mind as a child, then somehow lost my innocence. Got wrapped up iin a bunch of meaningless shit and totally stopped thinking.


Live life to the fullest, enjoy every moment, do what one loves, because before you know it it's over. Live life in a way that you know you will never have any regrets. I've wavered off course a little here again... :P

Nice wobble though, my dear :) I'm not sure I've found a better philosophy, and it's taken me way more brain power. Bloody INTPs... ;P

Thanks for this comment - I reall appreciated it. I think I might recycle it as a post some time soon.

[unsane1.livejournal.com]

Thanks for this comment - I reall appreciated it. I think I might recycle it as a post some time soon.


NP, I'm glad you liked it. And cool.

[fyatuk.livejournal.com]

I don't find out yet for another four days

That would suck. All the time down here you hear about people who died and weren't found for days/weeks/occassionally months, but its never been anyone I knew.

You know when you see those massive strips of tyre on the side of the motorway, and you wonder what the fuck happened to the truck? Kind of like that.

I'm getting there myself. I imagine I'll be a wreck by Saturday. I'm trying to keep myself distracted between now and then though. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Sounds you've been washed and wrung out like those old style washing machines...

The question that is going through my head is whether you really truly accept death at all?

I think eventually one does accept it. It took me about 6 or 7 years for my Grandfather, but after that I had completely accepted he was gone forever. Don't get me wrong, I still miss him sometimes, but I know throughout my being that he is completely gone. So I'd say yes you eventually accept death, but you never get over it.

To me, death is the big dark ugly kernel of reality that I mostly choose to ignore

I've never really been afraid of my own death. Other people's yes, mine no. I kinda look forward to it. It is a chance to start over, to begin anew.

I have spent the year noticing, for the first time, that I really have a lot of questions

Everyone asks what the point of life is, and in my opinion this is it. The point of life is to answer all the questions within yourself. To better yourself. If you have no questions then you are not able to improve. I know, I'm weird...

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

That would suck.

I should clarify - everyone else knew, but I'd gone AWOL for 15 months and nobody could find me :( I still feel pretty crap about that to be honest, but I tell myself that it was sudden, and I'd probably be feeling crap anyway.

So I'd say yes you eventually accept death, but you never get over it.

Maybe. unsane1 made a very relevant point to me - the fact that 1% of him always believes that this isn't really reality. And I kind of agree with him on that one, so I think maybe a small percent of my brain never really accepts anything. Plus I have this huge compulsion to make everything right - if I just put in enough effort, I can fix *anything*. I know that's setting myself up for disappointment, but I can't help it.

I've never really been afraid of my own death.

Ditto.

I know, I'm weird...

Not really - in my opinion, that's refreshingly sane. It's one of the few things I actually *know* is worth doing.

[unsane1.livejournal.com]

> > I've never really been afraid of my own death.
>
> Ditto.


I can understand fyatuk feeling that way, but you are much more similar to me, so I ask, how do you do it?

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

Hmm. I would say that part of it is just arrogance,, kind of stuffing my fingers in my ears and ignoring the fact that I'm mortal. Also, mortality seems a long way away for me - maybe if it came to the crunch, I would be scared. But some part of me really doesn't fear not existing any more. I'm over the part of my life where it actually seems like a pleasant option, but I just think I'll end and not be conscious that that has happened. Maybe it's just that I haven't really come to terms with what death means to me.

You could turn it around, you know, and ask why you do fear death?