(no subject)

[cybermule]

Well, today has been strange. My dad died a year ago, so that just seems to have put an odd spin on the day. Just as a point to note, this time last year, as far as I was concerned, he was still alive. I don't find out yet for another four days.

I seem to have handled it just fine, especially after giving myself a good psychological kick in the backside over the weekend. I think I did all my going to pieces last week. By Friday, I felt like a truck that had shed all its bits along the hard shoulder. You know when you see those massive strips of tyre on the side of the motorway, and you wonder what the fuck happened to the truck? Kind of like that.

The question that is going through my head is whether you really truly accept death at all? Do you lose someone, then spend the rest of your life secretly not being at all surprised if it turned out to have been a mistake? The tales that you think up seem less and less plausible as time goes by, but I'm wondering if you ever really know in your heart that they are gone.

Maybe the feeling is just me. I'm not looking for reassurance or comfort with that, I just sometimes wonder. To me, death is the big dark ugly kernel of reality that I mostly choose to ignore - I won't stare it in the eye. I'm not afraid of it, I just can't accept that the person is gone. Despite being an overly-fearful child, I guess I just never really thought about it, to be honest. Religious and spiritual things never really troubled me over-much, I barely even thought, in the way I would now describe thinking, until about 5 years ago.

Then suddenly it slammed me in the face, my own mortality by generational proxy, the fact that I could be dead in 20 years. Doesn't seem so long. And I was ill-prepared to cope with it on a personally relevant level. It had always happened to someone else.

I haven't really got any answers here, but I have spent the year noticing, for the first time, that I really have a lot of questions.

Comments

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

For a [probably stupid] example, I live with the surreal sense in the back of my mind that I wouldn't be surprised if one day reality stopped working

That's not really a stupid example. If I woke up tomorrow and reality was entirely different, I wouldn't be that surprised. Disorientated, maybe, but not that surprised. Even when taken strictly at face value, the world is a very weird place.

I want to believe there is some vast higher reality etc., but almost all evidence I have come across points to "everything is as it seems". So I take that as a basic assumption and if there's more then it's simply a bonus. But I digress. :P

It was a good digression, though - show me a new way of thinking about things. Like you, I want to believe in some higher reality, along with a bunch of other stuff that I might add to my manifesto :) But unfortunately, I need to see evidence that isn't there to be able to believe. And I always found that rather depressing. But you just accept it more stoically, and see anything more as a bonus. That's so elegant.

That perfectly describes the way I feel as well.

Cool. I think I had this hyper-aware state of mind as a child, then somehow lost my innocence. Got wrapped up iin a bunch of meaningless shit and totally stopped thinking.


Live life to the fullest, enjoy every moment, do what one loves, because before you know it it's over. Live life in a way that you know you will never have any regrets. I've wavered off course a little here again... :P

Nice wobble though, my dear :) I'm not sure I've found a better philosophy, and it's taken me way more brain power. Bloody INTPs... ;P

Thanks for this comment - I reall appreciated it. I think I might recycle it as a post some time soon.

[unsane1.livejournal.com]

Thanks for this comment - I reall appreciated it. I think I might recycle it as a post some time soon.


NP, I'm glad you liked it. And cool.