(no subject)

[cybermule]

I just had a thought - if anyone wants any entries locked so that they can comment more freely, then let me know. I've just come to the conclusion that there is nothing about my life that is secret or shameful, but not everyone has the my inclination to splurge :)

I noticed that I care a whole lot more about people when I'm less stressed, and I'm slowly knocking the stress on the head. More sleep helps, along with a general lightening of attitude. Yesterday I was nice to two people. I gave them random and impulsive sweet gifts. I'm not saying that so that you all pat me on the back for being a nice person, but I did want to make a note of the pleasure I get out of doing impulsive nice things for people I like. It's fun. And the fact that I have time to do it means that I must be less stressed.


I did an online enneagram test. I've posted it here because I feel the results actually say something about me that's relevant to this post on my moods and behaviour. Other than that, I probably wouldn't post many more personality tests, as I'm not really sure of their relevance to me any more.

...

Oh OK - screw that. I didn't paste the results anywhere and I refuse to do the test again. The short point was that I seem to have veered away from the 4w5 that I normally score, and got a 9w1. So more calm and peace-loving and serene. Which suits me just fine. The other interesting point was my sub-concious type. Which I can't remember the exact term for, but it was very neutral and implied I was hard to get to know very well at all.

Readers of my blurto-journal are probably sniggering at this point :)

The main message I took home was that this openess and ability to communicate thoughts and feelings online, in text, is something I find hard to carry over to real life. Why? Good question... The main answer is that I never really meet anyone that I can talk to in real-life. Even when I do, I find it hard to open up. I have major trust issues, I'm always convinced that they're secretly laughing at me or will use any information against me.

OK, I know there's a word for that. Paranoid :)

But I really think I should get over it. Not because I feel a sudden urge to share myself, willy-nilly, with those around me. More so that I can build some meaningful relationships with the people I care about. So right back to the Cybermule Manifesto, really.

Any ideas?

Comments

[strong-vanilla.livejournal.com]

Interesting...I at first thought of myself as a 9 when I heard about the enneagram, but now think that not only 4, but 4w5 is my actual enneagram type, FWIW. So we did a bit of a switcheroo. ;)

Kudos for the random acts of kindness. :) Being in a good mood definitely helps with that; it's kind of a "you can only give what you have" kind of thing.

And as you know, for the most part I advocate total openness. The more people that are open, the more people can trust each other and get to know each other well, and the better the world becomes, IMHO. And in that vein, I salute you for opening up so much of your journal. It's very brave to do that; even mine is friends' only (but everything open to every friend; no custom-friends groups for the most part).

That said, I can also sympathise with fear of people laughing at you behind your back and such also; I was never the most popular person, and my refusal to be "one of the crowd" virtually guarantees that there will be people that take that refusal and an invitation to scorn (although thankfully not that often). So in the end it boils down to your comfort level, and how good you are at picking up signals of who you can trust (or at least not distrust) and who you can't. Good luck in whatever you choose to do with your LJ. :)

[strong-vanilla.livejournal.com]

And your real-life friends I should add. ;) For me, honestly, it's actually easier to open up in person (even to a stranger on a bus) than to anonymous strangers in LJ (for some reason, a small group like the MBTI groups or IRC way back when makes it easier for me to open up online). I guess we all have different comfort levels for different things. :)

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I'm not sure what the problem is in real life. Mostly I just think that people are judging me, that they think I'm too fat/stupid/boring to listen to. And that just becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy :) I just need to build up a circle of close friends that I open up to (and I'm slowly getting there). I'll never be little-miss-share-it-all, because I'm quite introverted, but I can build myself a secure and accepting friendship base.

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

So we did a bit of a switcheroo. ;)

Well, like I said, I often come out as a 4w5 or 5w4 too. To be honest, these days I tend to think of personality typing theories as immensely subjective - my results depend entirely on the mood in which I take the tests (*cough* ENTJ *ahem*). I'm sure there are some basic tendencies under there, but the past few years have been a big growth curve for me, and factoring the concept that your tue tendencies can be warped by stressful family etc., I would say that my wavering types aren't that much of a surprise.

Which doesn't mean I totally discount typing, just that I prefer to take it with a big pinch of salt these days. I do still think of it as a useful tool to gauge whereabouts I am. Somehow, doing the tests puts me in an objective frame of mind. Or if I'm being subjective, then it highlights my current psychological tendencies. Or something :)

Refusal to be part of the crowd *does* always push you out there as a target. I'm bad with trust generally, although I probably can get better. Which, as a personla reference, is why I'm probably not as open as you'd like in our interactions. In a relative sense, though, I do confide in you :)

The main reason that I've thrown a lot of stuff open to the world is that I would find a journal like mine very comforting if I was someone stumbling across it. The worst thing about having alcoholic parents is that you are brought up to think that you are very much alone, and that you have in some way done something to deserve all the pain. When in fact, I strongly feel that the problem is with society, rather than any of the individuals involved.

So back too your point about a more open world being a better place. The very worst case scenario is that someone at work stumbles here and recognises me. In which case, I'm happy to stare them in the eye and tell them that this is me, warts and all, and they should appreciate the damn fine job I do with all this shit going on in the background :)

[unsane1.livejournal.com]

In which case, I'm happy to stare them in the eye and tell them that this is me, warts and all, and they should appreciate the damn fine job I do with all this shit going on in the background :)


LOL. I guess that won't ever happen since they wouldn't recognize you. They'd read your journal and never think twice that it was Han in the office right next door lol.

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

Heheh - very likely not. Although nobody at work would presume to call me Han :P Well, one does, but he's on my death-list anyway ;)

[unsane1.livejournal.com]

LOL does that put me on the death list then? O_O

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

Nah - you're OK. You could probably get away with it, now I've known you a couple of years. I was thinking about this thread in the pool, actually, and I don't think that many people from would would recgnise me through this. It's easier to be opinionated in your journal :) Plus there are only 3 or 4 people at work who know me at all well.

You know, I still haven't seen you online.

[unsane1.livejournal.com]

You know, I still haven't seen you online.


LOL something isn't working right. I've been on all afternoon, while you sent this message. And now I look on your info page and it shows you to be online, and yet in my IM program it shows you aren't logged on, and says you are offline if I send you a message.

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

That's fucked up - I'm sitting here right now, and I can't see you.

Grrr.

That would probably explain why we never meet up and chat :P What IM program are you running? I got the Yahoo one, but on Linux. I can install something else though, cos I'm no big fan of YM.

[unsane1.livejournal.com]

I use Trillian (windows program), presently connected to ICQ, MSN :(, and YIM.

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

'K - where are you on ICQ? Oh man, is this convoluted! ;)