(no subject)
May. 12th, 2004 09:20 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cybermuleI just had a thought - if anyone wants any entries locked so that they can comment more freely, then let me know. I've just come to the conclusion that there is nothing about my life that is secret or shameful, but not everyone has the my inclination to splurge :)
I noticed that I care a whole lot more about people when I'm less stressed, and I'm slowly knocking the stress on the head. More sleep helps, along with a general lightening of attitude. Yesterday I was nice to two people. I gave them random and impulsive sweet gifts. I'm not saying that so that you all pat me on the back for being a nice person, but I did want to make a note of the pleasure I get out of doing impulsive nice things for people I like. It's fun. And the fact that I have time to do it means that I must be less stressed.
I did an online enneagram test. I've posted it here because I feel the results actually say something about me that's relevant to this post on my moods and behaviour. Other than that, I probably wouldn't post many more personality tests, as I'm not really sure of their relevance to me any more.
...
Oh OK - screw that. I didn't paste the results anywhere and I refuse to do the test again. The short point was that I seem to have veered away from the 4w5 that I normally score, and got a 9w1. So more calm and peace-loving and serene. Which suits me just fine. The other interesting point was my sub-concious type. Which I can't remember the exact term for, but it was very neutral and implied I was hard to get to know very well at all.
Readers of my blurto-journal are probably sniggering at this point :)
The main message I took home was that this openess and ability to communicate thoughts and feelings online, in text, is something I find hard to carry over to real life. Why? Good question... The main answer is that I never really meet anyone that I can talk to in real-life. Even when I do, I find it hard to open up. I have major trust issues, I'm always convinced that they're secretly laughing at me or will use any information against me.
OK, I know there's a word for that. Paranoid :)
But I really think I should get over it. Not because I feel a sudden urge to share myself, willy-nilly, with those around me. More so that I can build some meaningful relationships with the people I care about. So right back to the Cybermule Manifesto, really.
Any ideas?
I noticed that I care a whole lot more about people when I'm less stressed, and I'm slowly knocking the stress on the head. More sleep helps, along with a general lightening of attitude. Yesterday I was nice to two people. I gave them random and impulsive sweet gifts. I'm not saying that so that you all pat me on the back for being a nice person, but I did want to make a note of the pleasure I get out of doing impulsive nice things for people I like. It's fun. And the fact that I have time to do it means that I must be less stressed.
I did an online enneagram test. I've posted it here because I feel the results actually say something about me that's relevant to this post on my moods and behaviour. Other than that, I probably wouldn't post many more personality tests, as I'm not really sure of their relevance to me any more.
...
Oh OK - screw that. I didn't paste the results anywhere and I refuse to do the test again. The short point was that I seem to have veered away from the 4w5 that I normally score, and got a 9w1. So more calm and peace-loving and serene. Which suits me just fine. The other interesting point was my sub-concious type. Which I can't remember the exact term for, but it was very neutral and implied I was hard to get to know very well at all.
Readers of my blurto-journal are probably sniggering at this point :)
The main message I took home was that this openess and ability to communicate thoughts and feelings online, in text, is something I find hard to carry over to real life. Why? Good question... The main answer is that I never really meet anyone that I can talk to in real-life. Even when I do, I find it hard to open up. I have major trust issues, I'm always convinced that they're secretly laughing at me or will use any information against me.
OK, I know there's a word for that. Paranoid :)
But I really think I should get over it. Not because I feel a sudden urge to share myself, willy-nilly, with those around me. More so that I can build some meaningful relationships with the people I care about. So right back to the Cybermule Manifesto, really.
Any ideas?
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no subject
Date: 2004-05-13 12:41 pm (UTC)Need more info! So, let's assume you have a very close friend IRL. You find yourself unable to broach some core issue with them. Any idea why that might be (apart from the things you stated in the message)?
I have major trust issues, I'm always convinced that they're secretly laughing at me
I had that problem in the past, and I just basically at some point said to myself "fuck it, who cares what anyone thinks."
or will use any information against me.
Most of the time people really don't give a shit. Unless you somehow make vindictive enemies, most people won't care, unless it's something extreme (think KKK) or something that directly contradicts their core values. Most likely they'll just find you weird.
The paranoia is just a sort of habitual glitch that I have to re-align - I'll get there one day :)
Heh. I'm wondering if paranoia is necessarily a bad thing. It could be seen as a defensive mechanism, protecting oneself from being taken advantage of, among other things.
Like, I would love to trust everyone 100%. However I know that that would be stupid.
They say that those who don't trust people are that way because they themselves cannot be trusted. I think it's just being realistic. :/
I guess I just wish we lived in a perfect world, but I know we don't?
no subject
Date: 2004-05-16 06:19 am (UTC)Well, we discussed this the other night, and attributed a lot of it to my own perfectionism ;P That doesn't hold quite so true with close friends though - these would be the sort of people who may well have seen me first thing in the morning :)
I think I'm just scared. Scared that they'll think I'm silly, or just go "huh?". Or that I'll be too personal and they'll be embarrassed. And all of thoe would just make me embarrassed - I guess you could sum it up as my slight shyness. So I think what I need is to work out is how fast I can reasonably open up to someone. Rather than just assuming I can't ever, and then being polite all the time :)
no subject
Date: 2004-06-02 03:35 am (UTC)*nod* I think all in all though that any of the above are no big deal really, that's what you have to tell yourself. Like the risk-vs-reward is high, so take a little chance, ya know? Sure they may go "huh", but if ever that is what happens, you can just brush it off and say "nevermind, I'm tipsy" or something. But in the other 90% of cases it will instead lead to exactly what you want, a good discussion on an important issue... And in fact if they do go "huh" or think you're silly or get embarrassed, that may be the perfect subtle cue that that's not the right person to discuss such things after all.
But thinking about it, I think it may be a lot more related to your speech perfectionism as you mentioned. That I can't really help with, since as I stated previously it's an alien concept to me. I've never had to deal with that issue, so I can't really imagine it. I could definitely imagine it being a complication in expressing things with people that you would like to. Then again this may be irrelevent and it's only that you are scared as you say. Ignore this if that's the case.
I guess you may just need to take baby steps. Put yourself out there a bit more. I.e. in a comfortable situation, start small, with something that you wouldn't normally share but that probably is no big deal...
OK I'm a stop now cause the last paragraph there was supposed to be edited into the first one, but the paragraphs are already too long and I don't want to make this less readable. :D
no subject
Date: 2004-06-06 12:53 pm (UTC)Yah - that's very good advice. I am working on that, and just trying to be a little less sensitive, a little less worried that I might appear strange. Like you said, if I freak someone out, then they're probably not the right person to be sharing that stuff with. But quite a lot of people bemoan the lack of meaningful, connected interaction in their life, so I should think of it as a mission.
But thinking about it, I think it may be a lot more related to your speech perfectionism as you mentioned.
*nods* I've been thinking about that, and why it might occur. I think part of it is that I love language so much that I want it to be perfect. Just as perfect as it would be if I'd written it. Add that impulse to an over-racing brain, that is bound to get ahead of itself, then rush back to self-edit, improve and rework. I get a similar effect when people are debating - my brain loops back and forth so much that I never quite get around to contributing.
And that brain effect made me wonder whether really the perfectionism is more a kind of internalised stammer than too much love for the perfect phrase. It really is sometimes like I know what I want to say, but just can't get it out physically. And the fear feeds into it a little - other than familiarity, I'm way more outgoing with less intimidating people. Which is obviously one of those "duh" statements, but should maybe make me look at who I hang around with.