(no subject)

[cybermule]

I finally managed to super-cool my hotel room to a temperature where beads of nitrogen are forming on the window frame.

I've now reached the stage of the long dark business trip of the soul where even a peck on the cheek from a new acquaintance is pathetically touching. And so i notice that i can only say anything remotely meaningful to those i don't really know.

Why can't you tell the people you care about how much they mean? Because that will shatter the neat facade of friendly, yet cool, flippancy that buffers you from risk? because it's a fucking stupid thing to do, that brings the just reward of being deservedly and roundly laughed at? Because it is so deeply uncool to actually care about anything or anybody these days?

and what do you have to lose? dignity, a friend that never was, a few cool points. but still nobody ever quite gets around to it.

and if i wasn't stuck in a hotel room, this may have been a useful impulse. as it is, i'll just file under "pointless".

mood-cheerful, music-portishead

Comments

[aras-55555.livejournal.com]

Because it is so deeply uncool to actually care about anything or anybody these days?

*nod* that is such a prevalent attitude that sometimes it's hard to even notice it - it's just 'the way things are' :)

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

That's so true. It's a shame really - lots of people are slightly lonely and down on themselves. And everyone likes to hear that they are loved and important to other people. But there's this unwritten rule that you just don't say those things. Although some people do - I always admire them. Whenever I do compliments, they always sound a bit geeky and stalker-ish :)

[aras-55555.livejournal.com]

Hehehe. Yeah, I sometimes have an unfortunate tendancy to fall back to imitating the behaviour of people I think are 'being cool'. When you've got a bit of a different take on things, to me it seems like a difficult thing to say things that other people will treat as sounding a bit off-centre. However, I think I'm getting better at just saying what I think, and letting other people deal with the weirdness ;)

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

Yeah - that's definitely the secret. Just let other people deal with it. Although I still temper the worst of my weirdness :)

[unsane1.livejournal.com]

Why can't you tell the people you care about how much they mean?


I knoooow! It sort of feels like telling them would be a sign of weakness, but I'm unsure if that really should be an issue. I think I'm afraid of admitting it mostly with people that I feel would just laugh it off if I expressed it. Like I'm worried that they don't feel the same way, perhaps?


Because that will shatter the neat facade of friendly, yet cool, flippancy that buffers you from risk?


I think the greater risk is someone important to you ending up thinking you don't care about them and hence stops caring about you themselves.


because it's a fucking stupid thing to do, that brings the just reward of being deservedly and roundly laughed at?


LOL I wish.


Because it is so deeply uncool to actually care about anything or anybody these days?


I don't think it's uncool to care, but rather to show that you care? Either way "uncool" is not a good reason.


and what do you have to lose? dignity, a friend that never was, a few cool points.


I think it has to be more than that in my case. I need to analyze this more.

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

Like I'm worried that they don't feel the same way, perhaps?

Yeah - that could well be it in my case too. I've also been thinking about this. I think part of the problem is that I'm actually quite intense, deep down, under this callous exterior ;) I form few attachments, but strong ones and sometimes quickly. And I guess at some point in my life I noticed that this wasn't normal, and it made me wary. Probably until about 5 years ago, being "uncool" would have concerned me a bit, but these days I have to admit to giving far less of a flying fuck ;)

And you're point about which is the greater risk is very true. I'd rather look stupid than risk someone thinking I didn't care. And even more so if that thought that I didn't love them made them go away :(