Milton Keynes - Satan's layby

[cybermule]

Sinusoidal day. Started off excellent - trundling up the A46 on a bright sunny day, scampi fries on the passenger seat, Eels on the CD player. "Daisies of the Galaxy" is a damn fine album. I'd sidelined it as "OK", but it really is the perfect album to play on the car on a sunny day.

Possibly should be tried one day with company.

"Jeannie's Diary", "Flyswatter" and "I like Birds" are hitting the spot right now. Particularly the latter, which I may well adopt as my new anthem.

Anyway, all going well until I actually get to see my grandpa. Now, don't get me wrong - I love him dearly (they looked after me for a while) and he was pleased to see me. But he's still so sad about my dad, and I don't know what to say to that. I really don't :( And my family have the knack of pushing my guilt buttons - I remembered just how different things might have been if I'd somehow "tried harder", "been better", "gone that extra mile".

Blah. Nosedive into paranoia and depression. Not only have I fucked up everything in the past twenty years, I tell myself, but look at the balls-up I'm making of my life right now! Which is odd, because a couple of hours before, I really was quite happy and guilt-free.

Arse. I guess I just always feel too responsible for everyone's happiness. And trying to intuit the fix-all for a dysfunctional family's problems is like carrying water in a sieve. And how self-important is that, anyway, to think you can make people happy?

Tangled. Must work on resolving.

Perked up after going to see Bill Bailey, though. Love musical comedians, with their keyboards and satirical songs. 80s hits on the banjo was a high-point, along with the pisstakes of U2 and Chris de Burgh. And the mental image of Marilyn Manson, on his knees. Chanting "Milton Keynes" to whip up the audience, in case that first bit wasn't enough :)

Chill has been restored.

Comments

[weemadharold.livejournal.com]

I love love love love love Bill Bailey! It's been many years since I saw his stand-up show (not live, but Is It Bill Bailey? on BBC), but his presence makes Never Mind The Buzzcocks ever more perfect, he was great on Room 101 and he's pretty darn good in Black Books, although I tend to prefer him when he's 'being himself' (although of course his character isn't all that far removed from Bill himself).

As for happiness; happiness is an action, not a reaction. 'Making' someone happy is impossible, the most you can ever do is help them to become happy but unfortunately there are always some people who can't be helped.

My mother's been pretty unhappy for most of her life, and always blames it on her circumstances - the people and events around her. Until she realises that the only person who can make her happy is herself she'll never achieve it, but unfortunately getting her to realise that is a difficult task.

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

I have similar problems with my family, and it just depresses the hell out of me sometimes. Just want to shake them, and tell them to enjoy life. I like to try and help people find happiness, but if they're not willing, then what can you do? Have you ever had any significant breakthroughs with your mother?

[weemadharold.livejournal.com]

Helping people who don't want to be helped is a very difficult, perhaps impossible, task. Beyond slipping LSD into their tea, unless somebody wants to change and is prepared to listen I don't know that there's anything you can do.

It seems to me (though I don't claim to be any sort of expert) that there are at least two factors holding people back in these cases.

Firstly, they always blame external circumstances. "I'm unhappy because I have a shit job," "I'll be happy when I move house," "I'll be happy when I start university" etc. I used to do this myself. I was miserable, but convinced myself I'd be happy as soon as I started college. Then I was still miserable, but convinced myself I'd be happy as soon as I moved to Nottingham. Then it was starting work. Then going to uni... After a few years it became obvious that this way of thinking was deeply flawed, but some people seem to take a lot longer to realise that.

Secondly, there is comfort in misery. As Dave Lee said:

"Why do people put up with so much mediocrity and unhappiness? Obviously, the specifics are different for everyone, but the general principle is that change is resisted by the nervous system. We prefer to repeat comfortable and familiar thoughts, even if they make us unhappy, rather than strike out into new thought patterns which would make us feel better; we tend to repeat familiar actions which have become ineffectve rather than adopt new and more powerful strategies."

Shaking yourself out of this 'comfort zone' is hard enough for those of us who are aware of it and actually want to change, let alone those who don't.

I've never had any significant breakthroughs with my mother, no. To be honest I think I gave up hope quite a while ago. Forcing change on somebody who doesn't really want it (of course everybody will say they want to be happy if you ask them, but that's not necessarily the same as wanting to change) is something you could spend your whole life attempting and merely destroy yourself in the process.

This may sound somewhat mercenary, and it would probably be more difficult if my mother and I were particularly close, which we've never been. I can only imagine the frustration of watching somebody you love and care deeply for struggling on in pain and misery when there is no good need for it. But still, if they're not willing to listen then what can you do?

"I feel sorry for the people who persistently organize experience into sad, dreary and hopeless reality-tunnels, and try to show them how to break that bad habit, but I don't feel any masochistic duty to share their misery."
Robert Anton Wilson

[aras-55555.livejournal.com]

Imho, all we can really be sure of is 'what might have been' wasn't, and anybody who says they know why isn't telling the truth. Things just shake out a cetain way - heck, nobody's even been able to prove that we have free will ;)

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

That's true - I'm becoming a great believer in just letting things shake out the way they want to. Especially as interefering just seems to make things worse, most of the time! All the same, I do just get full of regret sometimes, even though I know I couldn't have changed things. So I guess I'll just work on resolving that.