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cybermuleI think I'm a bit burned out at the moment. Symptoms include irritability, wild swings between extremes of sociability, depression, insomnia and the tendency to self-apply the phrase "emotionally fucked". I've at least got to the stage in life where I know that this is temporary, that it'll pass on to more relaxed times. But I'm going to have a satb at analysing some sort of long-term improvement.
Firstly, the problems. The overarching crisis is a perceived lack of time, direction and control. The most tangible sub-problem is that I have to work for an exam. This is really a false idol: I don't have to do that well, I'm OK with the work and it'll all be over in a couple of weeks. The friction is with the second sub-problem: my mother. She's doing my head in at the moment, and I feel pressured into sorting a lot of things out for her - writing letters, sorting out finances, making phonecalls. Therefore, there's a conflict of time availability. One solution is to just acknowledge the fact that my mother can wait for two weeks. That's logical, but emotionally difficult, so I feel a lack of control over my own life.
Underlying the sharp emotional problems caused by my mother and my unsociable/irritable tendencies right now, I'm starting to realise that there is still a dull ache that I call "missing dad" :( I keep expecting this to be over, but in some ways it gets worse as I get more mellow and fond memories flooding back. I guess 5 months isn't very long, but then there's this grate between having to be "publically" over something (shockingly quick, IMO!) and not really dealing with it much at all privately. And grumbly rumblings from my family just exacerbate this - I just want to tell them all to please shut up and behave!
This combined stress is enough to cause me sleeping difficulties. Here I get myself into a vicious caffeinated circle. It's not a big sin, but I tend to self-medicate to get through work because I'm tired. Therefore increasing my natural tendencies to worry, undereat and not sleep. *sighs*. So I have a "chicken and egg" solution to caffeine and stress. I'll use my days off to wind down, not drink as much coffee, and prioritise things a bit better. As a long-term solution, I've just signed up for a meditation workshop, which may also give me a bit more direction in life. I flinch from using the word "spirituality", but I nonetheless find it lacing in my life right now.
Some useful (and hopefully concrete) solutions:
(1) Remember that keeping myself together is my first priority, and to do that, I must make myself my first priority.
(2) Failing my exam would depress me, but I should not feel the need to excel - it was supposed to be fun ;)
(3) If I relax (and drink less coffee), work will take care of itself. I've done it for years, and I also have some extenuating circumstances which means I don't have to be super-analyst.
(4) Spend as much time as possible chilling out, and try not to be so extraverted :P Look forward to all the relaxing fun after the exam is over.
OK - that was boring but therapeutic ;)
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I think you've already found your own balance, Hanna, maybe just temporarily misplaced it in light of your current battles. Your exam doesn't stand a chance against you. :)
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Date: 2003-10-08 01:05 pm (UTC)Ahh - I'm glad. I think only only really started to relax about life quite recently, so I sympathise with the feeling of relief.
I have found out that a very careful balance is what drives my train best
That's helpful for me too. I always feel I *ought* to make more effort, whereas I *want* something to restore balance. It helps me trust my instincts more knowing that's relatively normal ;)
Thanks, Matt :)