Zigarillo and building connection
Sep. 7th, 2021 08:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cybermuleI love my cat. My child and my ex poke fun at it, saying she has me trained. But why have a mammal in your life if you can't be fucked to bond with it? It's a conscious kitty parenting since I had a child. Watch, learn, respond. Mammals thrive on attunement, attachment and attention.
I remember another ex always accused my of being a sociopath because I tried to be kind and build connections, because that seemed like the right thing to do and I could see the benefit. It is all conscious work. It's not natural to me. Which is a different post, but all I get is a lightening of my heart and a feeling of having a small good place in the world.
Both of those exes were angry fuckers. Railing against the world, getting shit done. Allegedly. They could both turn it on and off likke a tap, mind. The first one had a horrible childhood. The second was a drunk. Dating addicts is pointless - the honeymoon period where bonding and learning and connecting is squandered in their love affair with whatever they are on. Same with my parents. That bit where the hormones are running high and being nice is no effort is just pissed down the drain. I had to work so hard with my kid to consciously bond, and now I do it with my cat. I doubt I'm a sociopath, I really do.
My friend remarked that I dated men with angry man energy, and I actually treasure that remark. Irritability *is* great for getting shit done. You'll either drive sensible people away, which you can use to fuel your bitterness. Or you can terrorise people like me into trying to get you to be happy. I really want to start being the former category, as dissatisfied irritability at your current projection is a hole that can't be filled. I will never be good enough for those people, and if I were I would lose myself.
I've recently finished a book called "The Last Wilderness" by Neil Ansell. I think he's basically the Chris Packham of landscape psychogeography. He hitches a fair amount, and he says that he hates hitching with people that feel entitled to a lift as their ridiculous rage trashes his moment of surrender and zen.
And that's my dating history in a nutshell.
I remember another ex always accused my of being a sociopath because I tried to be kind and build connections, because that seemed like the right thing to do and I could see the benefit. It is all conscious work. It's not natural to me. Which is a different post, but all I get is a lightening of my heart and a feeling of having a small good place in the world.
Both of those exes were angry fuckers. Railing against the world, getting shit done. Allegedly. They could both turn it on and off likke a tap, mind. The first one had a horrible childhood. The second was a drunk. Dating addicts is pointless - the honeymoon period where bonding and learning and connecting is squandered in their love affair with whatever they are on. Same with my parents. That bit where the hormones are running high and being nice is no effort is just pissed down the drain. I had to work so hard with my kid to consciously bond, and now I do it with my cat. I doubt I'm a sociopath, I really do.
My friend remarked that I dated men with angry man energy, and I actually treasure that remark. Irritability *is* great for getting shit done. You'll either drive sensible people away, which you can use to fuel your bitterness. Or you can terrorise people like me into trying to get you to be happy. I really want to start being the former category, as dissatisfied irritability at your current projection is a hole that can't be filled. I will never be good enough for those people, and if I were I would lose myself.
I've recently finished a book called "The Last Wilderness" by Neil Ansell. I think he's basically the Chris Packham of landscape psychogeography. He hitches a fair amount, and he says that he hates hitching with people that feel entitled to a lift as their ridiculous rage trashes his moment of surrender and zen.
And that's my dating history in a nutshell.
