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cybermule
This is one of the few unposed photos of myself that I actually like. I find myself attractive in it. I look nearly 50, but then who doesn't at the moment. I see a lot of my mum in myself for the first time ever. I look strong and tired and, dare I say it, quite beautiful.
The green hair can stay :P
The main point of interest in it is that it was taken three days before the final part of my recent autism assessment. So it's the last known photo of me not being autistic. I'm joking to cover up serious things, but then is it that serious? I got a private assessment because I trusted the source and it met my needs. NHS assessments are fucking notoriously hard to get for middle aged women.
And I am an autistic woman. Really quite autistic, especially in times of stress. Dr Lawson was a little sad and sympathetic at how I must have limped through life. I didn't realise it. Or I did, but I just felt I must be broken by growing up with two alcoholic parents, and had dealt badly with it. For that last part was the received information from various partners over the years. Why was I attention seeking? Why couldn't I just endlessly accommodate sensory irritations?
Now I know. And I'm angry at those people for always taking from me. Taking my kindness and empathy and desire to make people happy and then chucking it back in my face when I was plainly having serious difficulties over and above a tantrum. Like my friend said, yes - couple therapy is going to be difficult at times; but not repeated incoherent meltdown difficult. Apparently there's a strong chance I also have Auditory Processing Disorder - long involved monologue type situations not good, emotionally charged even worse, Zoom couple therapy with a hostile partner is an absolute shitstorm in the making.
The final straw with that was realising that I was actually self medicating after every session to numb the trauma until I learned my fawn routine. Which was allegedly when it started having a positive effect, but I'm really not sure for whom.
And part of my life has been persistent mild self medication to deal with things that I thought other people found easy. That I had to chemically alter myself to fit their neurotypical expectations.
So, there'll be less of that from now on. That's a hole to dig out of.
I'm not cross at my parents. Even though my dad used to joke about me being autistic, there's little you can do with "high functioning" autism back in the 70s. In some ways they did me a twisted favour - growing up with scary addicts really levels up your ability to read a room. I tend to overcompensate (another thing exes find annoying - can we have another eyeroll?) and I get confused when people say one thing but don't support it with their behaviour (hello exes).
Not that I'm perfect at any of that either, but it's made me think. Most of my hassles come from just not being able to process relationship stuff "fast enough". I need to find a way that becomes automatic to give myself processing space. A repeated theme in relationships is pushy men getting me to give them what they want, then ditching me for "processing time". Which is basically naughty corner stuff.
No wonder I'm messed up at this point. But I will be working on understanding and befriending this newly framed version of myself and working out the non-negotiables so I can be clear on these from the get go.
And yes, I'm OK with all this. Disappointed at the world, not myself.
no subject
Date: 2021-09-20 07:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-09-26 10:48 pm (UTC)And even though you are not cross with your parents, I should think it would be difficult to sort out all that you missed out on when considering the collateral damage from their addictions.
no subject
Date: 2021-09-27 01:53 pm (UTC)