Aha. Ahahaha
Sep. 23rd, 2021 05:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cybermuleEarlier this week, I had an interesting experience through my new lens. I'd either spent time or chatted with two of my loved ones and with each I had the same familiar "oh shit - I've done something wrong" feeling. Not from anything particularly notable on either occasion, but it's something I was emotionally aware enough to stick a pin in. And it was a massive issue in my last relationship - one of the final list of Things That Should Be done was not thinking I've got things wrong all the time. And not needing as much reassurance generally. (**)
So if I've always been autistic, chances are I got dealt a shoddy hand of skills in picking up on cues from text and unspoken interactions. Plus, I had two alcoholics as my parental teachers, so there was no chance of playing catch up - addicts are in a perpetual state of lying their arses off to themselves and anyone else. It's how they do what they do.
I remember particularly with my first long term partner it was ok for me to ask "have I fucked up". He'd answer in the negative, I'd be "oh ok". He wasn't massively emotionally responsive, but he was clear and honest. Up until recently I've still relied on this method with partners to sanity check what I thought was madness, what I was often told was hideous ugly insecurity, but what was probably actually a good deal of inability to read a room.
Like I said, this exploded with my last partner, and to some extent a previous partner. They were both avoidant arseholes with angry man energy, in retrospect. But they both said I needed too much reassurance. Eww. Horrible ugly insecurity, amIrite? But things I learned from these partners (which may have been imprinted early with my parents) was that I could ask a question and get a really confusing answer:
Are you angry? NO! (crashing of crockery as they wash up)
Would you rather be gaming? NO! (spend the date slyly messaging a gaming chum)
Have I upset you? NO! (Flounces off on some pretext)
Am I delaying you? NO! (Repeatedly checks watch)
So I never got any kind of base of security with those people. It wasn't that they were processing or couldn't label or needed space to work stuff out. They just seemed to be flat out be lying but in a way I couldn't call them out on.
So I can work on my own abilities to read the room, and iron out some of my quirks. But it needs to be with people I can absolutely trust.
And FWIW in both cases I mentioned at the start, it just smoothed out and moved on effectively.In fact, just as I finished this my lovely weekend more than a friend said our date still made them smile <3
(**) actually, I should revisit THE LIST. As I think one of the items involved me reassuring people. I'll check. It was me that did all the work on it, and me that was the only one who stuck by it. So fuck The List. But anyway... back above ^
So if I've always been autistic, chances are I got dealt a shoddy hand of skills in picking up on cues from text and unspoken interactions. Plus, I had two alcoholics as my parental teachers, so there was no chance of playing catch up - addicts are in a perpetual state of lying their arses off to themselves and anyone else. It's how they do what they do.
I remember particularly with my first long term partner it was ok for me to ask "have I fucked up". He'd answer in the negative, I'd be "oh ok". He wasn't massively emotionally responsive, but he was clear and honest. Up until recently I've still relied on this method with partners to sanity check what I thought was madness, what I was often told was hideous ugly insecurity, but what was probably actually a good deal of inability to read a room.
Like I said, this exploded with my last partner, and to some extent a previous partner. They were both avoidant arseholes with angry man energy, in retrospect. But they both said I needed too much reassurance. Eww. Horrible ugly insecurity, amIrite? But things I learned from these partners (which may have been imprinted early with my parents) was that I could ask a question and get a really confusing answer:
Are you angry? NO! (crashing of crockery as they wash up)
Would you rather be gaming? NO! (spend the date slyly messaging a gaming chum)
Have I upset you? NO! (Flounces off on some pretext)
Am I delaying you? NO! (Repeatedly checks watch)
So I never got any kind of base of security with those people. It wasn't that they were processing or couldn't label or needed space to work stuff out. They just seemed to be flat out be lying but in a way I couldn't call them out on.
So I can work on my own abilities to read the room, and iron out some of my quirks. But it needs to be with people I can absolutely trust.
And FWIW in both cases I mentioned at the start, it just smoothed out and moved on effectively.In fact, just as I finished this my lovely weekend more than a friend said our date still made them smile <3
(**) actually, I should revisit THE LIST. As I think one of the items involved me reassuring people. I'll check. It was me that did all the work on it, and me that was the only one who stuck by it. So fuck The List. But anyway... back above ^
