cybermule: (Default)
[personal profile] cybermule
I am simultaneously unpacking stuff and trying to befriend the person who is me. It's really hard. I've been a single mum to a trans autistic kid for a decade that's taken me to nearly 50 with a string of douchey exes and a burgeoning bag of trauma.

Last night I couldn't sleep. I've been working hard on reducing my alcohol intake. I'm cross at myself for increasingly being unable to tolerate my life sober, but there you go. I need to befriend the part of my brain that feels it needs to be protected. And I couldn't sleep last night because too many stimulants without a dampening of wine meant a bouncing fractious brain.

Who knew? There's no point kicking myself in the balls for making right choices, so today had to be a rest day. Which I've mostly managed to achieve.

Still wrangling my autistic brain and its trail of trauma. I'm becoming actually grown up, and I have to do these things.

Last week I took a bad tumble. Partly being distracted by pretty girls and a sore finger. But mostly because my right ankle is fucked - I'm hypermobile, I took a nasty fall a few years ago, and I couldn't rest it so nerve damage and here we are. I basically have a permanent case of drop foot and if I don't concentrate on rough ground I can trip. And the falls really hurt these days.

I need an ankle brace for going out walking. I don't want to give my walking up - I've squashed it down for too long. So I've ordered one of those. And I need to remember to use a stick, even if I think the walk will be easy. I'm getting good mileage out of putting thing like this in my phone diary, even if it seems really fucking obvious. Why keep trying to remember to use my stick when Google can do that for me and earn its fucking keep?

With accepting I need to make reasonable accommodations for my wankle also comes accepting bad and traumatic memories. I remember when I went over on it and it sprained to the size of a fucking canteloupe melon. I couldn't even drive. And I remember asking B's dad to take up her Morrisons as she had some random twitch about the place and it's the nearest shopping place. Just take her up, have an explore, go to the cafe. And he just laughed in my face and walked away.

I don't half pick 'em.

Date: 2021-10-03 06:42 pm (UTC)
michaelboy: (Default)
From: [personal profile] michaelboy
Well, but you did make it as a single mum and that counts for something. I only had to do such after my wife passed and by then the youngest were in their young teens. You should be proud of you accomplishment.

I read "a string of douchey exes" and imagined humorously an arabesque of them intertwined together. :)

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