We need to talk about parenting
Dec. 25th, 2021 08:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cybermuleI've been meaning to post about B for a while now. I've been reflecting on our journey together, which seems to somehow miraculously and against the odds come right. She is finally settled in school and she got a stunning end of term report. Aced science, basketball and Construction and Design.
I watched We Need To Talk About Kevin. It's actually a really good portrayal of motherhood. I identified so strongly with the horror of babies. The crying and panic. I did not know what the fuck I was doing, and I suspect in retrospect I was suffering from an anxious flavour of post natal depression and a lil PTSD. My husband was a Great Dad who worked long hours, did long trips abroad, and did many gigs at the weekend.
I do keep getting involved with addicts. That's a thing that needs unpacking.
And it was a difficult thing again when he left the night before she started school. It was a fucking disaster. She'd had a lovely toddlerhood and was eventually diagnosed with multiple things that just aren't school friendly. I blamed myself and gritted my teeth on it and leaped into blind faith. Three schools, two special needs. I was often exhausted, and there was 18 months of home learning before she finally got back into somewhere she likes.
She's turned into an absolutely fantastic 14 year old. I am proud of her, and proud of myself. And starting to gently tease the idea of a life where I'm not so much of a chronic mum. She'll still need me for odd scary things, but I will have to find something else to do with myself :)
It's hard to get used to the freedom after a decade of really difficult traumatic stuff for the pair of us. Like, I can go for a swim now. Visit friends. If I wasn't so fucking terrified of most of the world now, I could go on dates. That's another thing I really need to untangle.
But I do have a plan now. I'll probably dump out the work stuff another day, but in a couple of years I want to be in the position where I've retrained to do something lucrative. I need a few years hoovering up money and getting our shit together as two adults. I think I can do it? I nailed the Lean Management Qualification. I just keep doing things like that and piling them onto a CV.
And then I want to just do less and less work until I shuffle off the hill. And be happy. Too little of my life has been happy, and I want to redress the balance.
I watched We Need To Talk About Kevin. It's actually a really good portrayal of motherhood. I identified so strongly with the horror of babies. The crying and panic. I did not know what the fuck I was doing, and I suspect in retrospect I was suffering from an anxious flavour of post natal depression and a lil PTSD. My husband was a Great Dad who worked long hours, did long trips abroad, and did many gigs at the weekend.
I do keep getting involved with addicts. That's a thing that needs unpacking.
And it was a difficult thing again when he left the night before she started school. It was a fucking disaster. She'd had a lovely toddlerhood and was eventually diagnosed with multiple things that just aren't school friendly. I blamed myself and gritted my teeth on it and leaped into blind faith. Three schools, two special needs. I was often exhausted, and there was 18 months of home learning before she finally got back into somewhere she likes.
She's turned into an absolutely fantastic 14 year old. I am proud of her, and proud of myself. And starting to gently tease the idea of a life where I'm not so much of a chronic mum. She'll still need me for odd scary things, but I will have to find something else to do with myself :)
It's hard to get used to the freedom after a decade of really difficult traumatic stuff for the pair of us. Like, I can go for a swim now. Visit friends. If I wasn't so fucking terrified of most of the world now, I could go on dates. That's another thing I really need to untangle.
But I do have a plan now. I'll probably dump out the work stuff another day, but in a couple of years I want to be in the position where I've retrained to do something lucrative. I need a few years hoovering up money and getting our shit together as two adults. I think I can do it? I nailed the Lean Management Qualification. I just keep doing things like that and piling them onto a CV.
And then I want to just do less and less work until I shuffle off the hill. And be happy. Too little of my life has been happy, and I want to redress the balance.
