(no subject)

[cybermule]

Issue #2: I had to bathe my mother and clean her flat on Saturday. She's getting bed-sores. She can barely walk. I don't really feel like I can cope with this, and social services don't supply social workers to alcoholics. Or at least, they don't in Stroud. Sometimes I look at my life, and I can't believe what the fuck is going on in it. I had to clear her kitchen floor - it literally looked like she'd been eating dinner off it. Partly, I would imagine, because she has to crawl around most days, but partly (in her own words) because the zombies living there had made a mess of the lounge.

So what next? Nobody is going to help here. My brother sporadically visits, but won't even commit to putting clothing in a washing-machine. It's not a pleasant job - she has continence issues - but he won't admit to that. Just says he will forget, so no point in asking him. Which is fine, as I don't demand that anyone should help. But then, I can't bear to think of her sitting in her own filth. Pah. I think I might see if I can pay someone to come in a couple of times a week and do that stuff for me. It's that or give up my job to do it.

In some ways, I wish I wanted to do that. That would make me a "nice" daughter, a "good" person. Except that it would do neither - it would make me ill, or worse. I rely heavily on my work, and my friends there, and more still my friends here, to keep me sane and balanced. So it will probably involve paying some other person to do it.

Bah.

Comments

[unsane1.livejournal.com]

It sounds like paid help would be perfect in this situation.


In some ways, I wish I wanted to do that.


Heh I know what you mean, and I'm glad that you know you can't. Some people just feel too guilty or something and force themselves to do things that just aren't good for their own well-being.

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

Thank you - I think paid help is the way to go, too. I spent a long time trying to do the things that I felt I ought to do, rather than those I actually wanted to do. Came to the conclusion that I'm not really much of a saint :P Plus, the people I'm trying to help have generally brought it on themselves to some quite large degree. Not that I'm being judgemental and unsympathetic, but there's only so much I'm willing to invest...

[fyatuk.livejournal.com]

Zombies.... nice....

Continence issues suck. My mom started having issues with that near the end. Add to that the bleeding ulcer in her stomach from the drugs and you get a really disgusting, really foul smelling mess a couple times a week for me to clean up. Luckily my aunt moved in for the last bit and took care of her.

Don't blame you on the wanting to hire someone to help out. I considered looking for live-in help before my aunt decided to stay with us, and I lived with my mom, and my mom was nearly always in her right mind. Sometimes its just to hard to do things for those you love, because you love them (which is probably a major thing with your brother), or because doing so would jeopardize your own well-being. It sucks, but it happens.

Do what's best for yourself. Hiring someone won't hurt your mom any, and would help you a lot. Sounds like its worth it to me.

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

Thanks, fyatuk. Sharing your similar experiences means a lot to me - sometimes I even hate mentioning this stuff, but it is there, as a part of my life. I understand what you're saying about my brother, but I just wish he'd be a bit more honest, 'cos this is one of those situations where I'm not judging anyone but myself, and if he says he wants to do all these great things, but can't for x or y reason, it just makes me feel bad, like I should do them for him or something.

I think the paid help is a good idea. This could feasibly go on, getting worse, for another 5-10 years, so if I give up things now to help out, then I'm going to end up sick, miserable and unfulfilled.

[fyatuk.livejournal.com]

if he says he wants to do all these great things, but can't for x or y reason, it just makes me feel bad, like I should do them for him or something

Ooooh, so you fall for guilt trips... *makes mental note, and devious plans* It's rare that affects me anymore. My mom raised me on varying guilt trips so I have a habit of not feeling guilty for what happens to other people. I can only feel guilty for what I do, or what I choose not to do. I need not do something because other people refuse to because its their choice not to. Besides, its probably more like rationilization than anything else. Gotta have a reason to procrastinate donchaknow.

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

Yeah - I'm working on rationalisation, but my family know how to push the buttons...

[aras-55555.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I'm afraid I don't have any concrete advice to give you. But I'm sure that whatever decision you make will be the best one :)

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

Thanks Aras - you're a great friend, and deserve many *hugs* back. Especially after stepping in on the meetup issue too - I'm not good at handling conflicting needs, and I just realised that I was ignoring my own priorities too. Like, I'd like to wander over fairly suddenly, see you and Serge, and be pleased to see anyone else who came along.

So anyway, thanks and *hugs* :)

[aras-55555.livejournal.com]

you're a great friend, and deserve many *hugs* back

Aw shucks...*blushes and stares at the floor*...thanks ;)