Well, it's been about a year...

[cybermule]

... and those sort of things make me ponder.

I can't be arsed to go back and look it up, but I got this journal about a year ago. Via radixlecti, with a code from the lovely ninneviane. I guess I always liked the idea of a diary, and this electronic version has worked well for me. After I turned 30, I wanted to start noting things down, to slow down a bit and appreciate what I'd got. As it turned out, this was the best year to start, as about a month later, my dad died. This journal (and the attached friends list) has got me through one of the worst years of my life, a year that I would never thought I could have made it through if I'd been asked before I went through it.

So that's been the obviously bad thing about the last year. I've had some years that have been nearly as bad, but nothing that's taken so much hard work and grim determination to get through. But then it has had positive effects, although I'd have never thought so, or wanted to get the benefits this way. I'm less afraid of the world now - I know I can get through the worst. Some things will be etched on my brain forever - the moment I found out my dad had died, the subsequent slow breakdown over the next hour at work, the visit to the funeral home, the funeral. But I have got better. Occasionally now I have a moment of dizzying nauseous pain as I remember that I have no dad, but I can cope and move forward.

I remember good moments too. I remember connecting with people and feeling less alone. I've made some of the best friends I've ever known this year. Friends that I know have some handle on some real part of me, and that won't hate me because of some trait that I or my family possess. I remember moments of astounding beauty in the world - a salvia trip out on Cam Peak, the peace of Bowscale Tarn, the homely beauty of my garden in the spring. And I have a fresh stock of moments of achievement - losing weight, swimming properly when I thought I couldn't, a certain hug and kiss.

So where do I go from here? I have this image of my ideal Hannah that I want to fulfil. She's slim (well, slim-ish ;)), smart and interesting, and has the confidence to enrich her own life and the wisdom to enrich that of other people. So I'm going to aim to be more like that person. There's nothing wrong with striving to change - I think I realise that now - because I'm grown-up enough now to not become a bad or selfish person. I'd like to travel more, to be less afraid of people and to learn to draw my boundaries and look after myself. I've learned that that's not selfish - how can I be any use to anyone if I'm a mess?

I need to work on some of my preconceptions and ideas on relationships. It's an area that I'm deeply crap at - my instinctive reaction is to just ignore any problems or conflicts of ideals.

And I need to learn to rely more on my gut-feelings and intuition. I've smothered them in the misapprehension that it will please some of the people around me, the ones that don't understand them, and also because I thought ignoring things will make them go away :)

So I think a year of questioning recovery is ahead. Thanks to all the people that read this. Hopefully you each know that you've been important to me, but if not, call me up on it some time ;)

Comments

[ninneviane.livejournal.com]

I really looked forward to being 30...it was always there on my map as being an age where I would truly come into my own. However, back then I had no idea it would take the path it has...that I was not expecting,
Still, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger and that saying seems more apt now at 30 than it ever did before