the heretic genetic algorithm

 I'd been meaning to make a post on the relationship landscape of Cybermule before Christmas. Then Christmas happened, it all got flushed out of my head, and a load of stuff drastically changed since then anyway. It seems very much like a rollercoaster. Has done since the Summer. A combined rollercoaster of school issues, relationship landslides and mental health.

I have lost track of which is which now. So the words here are ideas that rather than judgements on others are more things I can at least dredge out of my own brain. The coherent comprehensive entry that I've been seeking is not going to happen. I started doing this a while back, and saved it. I'm finishing it now because I (a) have a fucking minute to myself, and (b) I've been supporting a friend through a nasty break-up and that has triggered memories of controlling behaviour and DV within my own marriage. As I said to that friend earlier, this isn't a bad thing. This is just me pulling some stuff out of my brain closet to dust off and put away again more neatly.

Marriage and child rearing together seem to do in otherwise strong women. The odds are stacked against them and this gives a hotbed of male privilege, disenfranchisement, and potential for abuse. It shouldn't be that way - it's our society - but it is that way. And the thing is, it shouldn't be. I've decided that there are very few conscious abusers. There are also a good chunk of people out there who have privilege but always seek to understand and dismantle it. But there's a big sea of people out there who have privilege and are just too morally idle to want to give it up. They're probably scared of unclothing themselves and dealling with the world naked of unfair power. But tha

I decided to do the Poly thing because I felt it was ideologically the right thing for me. And I was aware that it would be a path of growth. I still want to do it - I strongly believe in the freedom to love the way I want in agreement with who I want. I'm still on the path of Relationship Anarchy. I still want to Solo Poly - I don't want to become entangled with someone on a domestic level. That's not necessary to feel commitment. I have become aware after 7 years of singleish-ness that I would like something that approximates a boyfriend or girlfriend in role. Not the hierarchy, just one particular person to share the cool life that I've spent those seven years building. A +1, or co-conspirator.

I think where things have gone downhill in relationships, it may have been because people seem too busy. Everyone just seems too busy generally these days. It's a badge of virtue to have a stuffed social calendar. I've decided I'm not really a flashy showy person. I'm well worth having, well worth listening to. But I need time and space to feel listened to, to open up and let myself be appreciated. But anyway, that has highlighted things that apparently are important to me for feeling loved and appreciated

I'm ok with these. An interesting point was when you did the same quiz about self care, I was good at those last two things. But anyway, that plays in to how I live my life from here on.

And I was thinking that an interesting thing (coming back to privilege) was that I meet a lot of couples who want to open up their relationship but state quite clearly that they want to keep the couple privilege. That's a thing that boggles me. These people obviously want to at least appear liberal and left leaning. But they WANT to KEEP their privilege. How do they make that right in their heads? They would probably rather die than say they'd keep any other privilege. Replace "couple" with "white" or "cis" or "het" and they know they'd be ridden out of town. So what's going on for them there? Anyway, I can no longer be fucked to argue with this. They're very much playing for their own tiny little team. I want to make a bigger and better team. And I have slowly and painfully learned to just ride the fuck on.

Working all this out has screwed my mental health up badly. I always have to do everything by engaging rather than theorising. While I've done all this masochism, I have discovered a love of simple music. Folk and Gregorian Chants that I gently pace through my life humming. And I have decided after one episode of Marie Kondo that I would just like to keep all my books and albums facing the world thanks. I want to be judged and loved by my tastes. My need to impress people I'm impressed by is solely conveyed by my various nerdisms. I struggle with people who are socially acquisitive just as I struggle with the perpetually busy.

And even when it has become very dark and I've not wanted to be here, I've kept Dabrowski close. Slowly it's paying off and I am becoming more myself. Slowly Spring returns.