Blah :(

[cybermule]

I feel shite - my mood's been up and down like a yo-yo this week. I'm not prone to hormonal shifts, so I hesitate to put it down to that, but healthwise, the virus and the lack of nicotine are probably adding to my crankiness.

However, what I really think is at the bottom of it is having to deal with my family again on any involved level. I just can't handle them at all - yesterday, my mum flew off the handle at me for asking whether she wanted to take her sofa when she moves (I had to book a removal man at 10 days notice for a Saturday, so it was a pertinent question). Then she phoned my brother and told him she didn't want to move any more. Then my brother phones me and complains that the removal man is costing too much (£120 for two men to move all my mom's stuff). He cheerfully spent £75 of mum's money to move his stuff 4 miles! *shakes head*

I really was at my happiest when I had nothing to do with any of them for 15 months. That ended badly, so I guess I'm trying to over-compensate. Plus, to be honest, I don't really like either my brother or my mother much, so I try too hard to be perfect to them to make up for the fact that I really don't like them. But it's all kind of pointless, I reckon - it makes me horrible to be around, stressed and hyper and paranoid. Plus I really can't do anything right - as they've got nothing concrete to complain about, they constantly bitch to anyone who'll listen that I'm rich and spoiled :p

Blah. I just can't cope with them. I'll move my mother somewhere sensible, then I'm going to have a long break from them. And in the mean time, I'm not going to pander to them - like they do to me, if I don't want to do something, I'll just say so. They are definitely unreasonable and unpleasant, but I need to add the word "no" to my vocabulary.

Meh.

Comments

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

I love 'em though

I think I love my mum and brother, but it's hard to tell sometimes. To be honest, I mostly feel pity for my mom - sometimes I'll see her looking frail and lost, and my heart contracts. Then she'll come out with a torrent of abuse and I'm not so fond :p Mostly I just try to remember that she isn't really herself any more.

But if I ever forget that and try to take another chance to connect, I usually end up thinking 'if I was banging my head against a brick wall, at least it wouldn't react back making it obvious I'm accomplishing nothing...I could pretend I was' :)

Hahah - I know exactly what you mean. I think that for the time being, I'll stop trying to connect. I've not got a lot to say to them, and I have plenty of love nad energy to direct elsewhere. Not that I want gratitude so much as an absence of criticism and abuse.

And if they try to give you a guilt trip, remember it's often just a manipulation tool rather than their 'heartfelt' opinion.

Yeah, definitely. I tend to assume that they're the same as me, and don't say some emotional unless they really mean it. But they're more ES than IN (to put it into MBTI terms), so they're jsut not the same.

Thanks Aras *hugs*