Blah :(

[cybermule]

I feel shite - my mood's been up and down like a yo-yo this week. I'm not prone to hormonal shifts, so I hesitate to put it down to that, but healthwise, the virus and the lack of nicotine are probably adding to my crankiness.

However, what I really think is at the bottom of it is having to deal with my family again on any involved level. I just can't handle them at all - yesterday, my mum flew off the handle at me for asking whether she wanted to take her sofa when she moves (I had to book a removal man at 10 days notice for a Saturday, so it was a pertinent question). Then she phoned my brother and told him she didn't want to move any more. Then my brother phones me and complains that the removal man is costing too much (£120 for two men to move all my mom's stuff). He cheerfully spent £75 of mum's money to move his stuff 4 miles! *shakes head*

I really was at my happiest when I had nothing to do with any of them for 15 months. That ended badly, so I guess I'm trying to over-compensate. Plus, to be honest, I don't really like either my brother or my mother much, so I try too hard to be perfect to them to make up for the fact that I really don't like them. But it's all kind of pointless, I reckon - it makes me horrible to be around, stressed and hyper and paranoid. Plus I really can't do anything right - as they've got nothing concrete to complain about, they constantly bitch to anyone who'll listen that I'm rich and spoiled :p

Blah. I just can't cope with them. I'll move my mother somewhere sensible, then I'm going to have a long break from them. And in the mean time, I'm not going to pander to them - like they do to me, if I don't want to do something, I'll just say so. They are definitely unreasonable and unpleasant, but I need to add the word "no" to my vocabulary.

Meh.

Comments

[apel.livejournal.com]

...I need to add the word "no" to my vocabulary.
Sounds like a good idea! It doesn't actually matter that they are family, if they don't behave reasonably toward you, you don't have to behave reasonably toward them.

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Apel. I respect your opinion on this sort of thing.

If I look at my family objectively, they are really unreasonable at times, but I have a bad habit of getting sucked into their opinions and hassles. I get on with them just fine at a casual and occasional level, but I really do need to say no to anything more than that.

[aras-55555.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I think I got to the point that I realized that though I love both of my parents, they don't really like me and I don't really like them. I love 'em though. But if I ever forget that and try to take another chance to connect, I usually end up thinking 'if I was banging my head against a brick wall, at least it wouldn't react back making it obvious I'm accomplishing nothing...I could pretend I was' :)

And in the mean time, I'm not going to pander to them - like they do to me, if I don't want to do something, I'll just say so.

*nod-nod* Sounds like a good plan. And if they try to give you a guilt trip, remember it's often just a manipulation tool rather than their 'heartfelt' opinion.

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

I love 'em though

I think I love my mum and brother, but it's hard to tell sometimes. To be honest, I mostly feel pity for my mom - sometimes I'll see her looking frail and lost, and my heart contracts. Then she'll come out with a torrent of abuse and I'm not so fond :p Mostly I just try to remember that she isn't really herself any more.

But if I ever forget that and try to take another chance to connect, I usually end up thinking 'if I was banging my head against a brick wall, at least it wouldn't react back making it obvious I'm accomplishing nothing...I could pretend I was' :)

Hahah - I know exactly what you mean. I think that for the time being, I'll stop trying to connect. I've not got a lot to say to them, and I have plenty of love nad energy to direct elsewhere. Not that I want gratitude so much as an absence of criticism and abuse.

And if they try to give you a guilt trip, remember it's often just a manipulation tool rather than their 'heartfelt' opinion.

Yeah, definitely. I tend to assume that they're the same as me, and don't say some emotional unless they really mean it. But they're more ES than IN (to put it into MBTI terms), so they're jsut not the same.

Thanks Aras *hugs*

[unsane1.livejournal.com]

:(

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

Thx for the :( I think this is just a lesson for me to move on and not invest so much in my family - I've tried for 15 years to do everything they've asked or wanted, and it just doesn't seem to help any of us. Like I said, move on and stop letting it get me down...

Relating to a thread elsewhere that I can't be bothered to track down:

"You're up to eight times more likely to be depressed if you have a
first-degree relative who is."

(Source: Men's Health, January/February 2004 edition)

[kidkarrot.livejournal.com]

I'm in agreement with apel on the point of being reasonable and will also add to that notion by saying you already have done what it seems like you need to do (in my opinion, of course) - live your own life free of the harrassment of others. So if that means another 15 months of time away from them, or even 15 years, I would say so be it. I might keep in cordial touch (an occasional email or phone call) not to cause or further foster alienation and resentment, but that would be the limit. Partly why I moved a thousand miles away from my parents was to get away from them, even if I do still miss them.

My own mom and I get along well, but only long enough to get the business of life done, I think. She's been a special education teacher most of her professional life, with her background in psychology. In addition to being my mother, she thinks she's got me totally figured out, even to the point of claiming that some of my experiences weren't "real" experiences (e.g., I've taken several classes in arts and crafts at varying summer camps, only two of which she thinks count and that's why I've got a good sense of color). Well, that sort of shit really pisses me off. Her life experiences and training are insufficient for her to claim that she knows what transpired and what I learned better than me. Uh huh. I was physically there, Mom, so cork it and listen for once. If she truly knew me, then she'd know how I feel about a certain lady in South Africa, and Mom has yet to even scratch the surface.

[cybermule.livejournal.com]

I might keep in cordial touch

Mmm. That's a plan and a half :) Last time, I just disappeared off the face of the earth, and only came back because my cousin tracked me down when my dad died. And I think that whole situation left me with an incredible amount of guilt (even though, and maybe partly because, I wouldn't change my decision). So I've tried to over-compensate a bit, I think.

In addition to being my mother, she thinks she's got me totally figured out

Weird - I once knew someone else who's mother was a psychologist, and she sounded so similar. It must be infuriating - I guess that parents just think they have you figured out because they've known you for 20 years, but don't realise that once you move away you can radically alter. Plus they seem to skip big chunks of your character - my dad *always* used to accuse me of being in a bad mood if I didn't talk for half an hour, whereas most of my friends would find that quite normal.

even to the point of claiming that some of my experience weren't "real" experiences

*nods* My parents never thought of my job as any sort of "real" commitment. TBH, they never took much interest - my dad thought I worked in a typing pool :) I'm sorry you have to put up with the same things - I guess as weel as having their own individual problems, parents have some universal traits.

I've taken several classes in arts and crafts

Ooo - a more cheerful diversion :) What did you do?

If she truly knew me, then she'd know how I feel about a certain lady in South Africa, and Mom has yet to even scratch the surface.

Ah - I think you mentioned this romantic interest somewhere else. I'm happy for you (and think she's damn lucky!) - when are you going to visit?